YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I HAVE COMEDY IN MY GENES--
ALONG WITH BROWN EYES, SOFT TEETH, AND WEAK JOINTS.
I'M IRISH.
WE HAVE NO COLLAGEN.
IT'S NEVER BEEN EASIER TO FIND OUT EXACTLY WHAT'S IN OUR GENES,
BECAUSE CONSUMER GENETIC TESTS ARE NOW A HUGE BUSINESS.
THE INDUSTRY WAS WORTH $70 MILLION IN 2015 AND IS
EXPECTED TO BE WORTH $340 MILLION IN 2022.
THAT'S A PERCENTAGE INCREASE OF... I DON'T HAVE MATH GENES.
I DON'T KNOW HOW BIG THAT IS.
YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN ADS FOR THESE TESTS EVERYWHERE.
THERE'S ancestry.com, 23andMe.
THEY'VE GOT GENETIC TESTING FOR DOGS.
THERE'S EVEN A COMPANY THAT ANALYZES YOUR D.N.A. AND MATCHES
YOU WITH WINES SELECTED FOR YOUR UNIQUE PALATE.
MMM.
OH, YES, I'M GETTING NOTES OF ALMOND, BLACK CURRENT AND, YES,
TOTAL (BLEEP).
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ANOTHER SITE CALLED genepartner.com HELPS WITH
DATING BY DETERMINING YOUR LEVEL OF GENETIC COMPATIBILITY WITH
POTENTIAL PARTNERS.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH genepartner.net, WHICH JUST
PARTNERS YOU WITH SOME GUY NAMED GENE.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK HE FOUNDED THE COMPANY.
HE'S LONELY.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
YOU'RE THINKING: "THESE ARE GREAT, BUT THEY DON'T
CONVEY MY DEEP, ABIDING DISAPPOINTMENT IN MY CHILDREN."
DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE COVERED.
>> WHEN OUR CHILDREN PLAY, WE ARE THEIR BIGGEST FANS.
WHEN THEY FAIL, WE ARE THE FIRST TO BE THERE FOR THEM.
ORDER YOUR D.N.A. TEST ON soccergenomics.com.
AND WITH A SALIVA SAMPLE, A GENETIC ANALYSIS WILL BE
PERFORMED TO GENERATE A PERSONALIZED REPORT THAT WILL
HELP IMPROVE PLAYER DEVELOPMENT.
DISCOVER YOUR GENETIC BLUEPRINT.
LET SOCCER GENOMICS GUIDE YOU.
>> Stephen: "DAD, BILLY, WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN.
I GOT YOUR TESTS BACK, AND BILLY I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE NOT
BRAZILIAN."
NOTHING THAT CAN BE DONE.
DAD, YOU WANT TO START DRINKING YOUR WINE NOW?
BUT HERE'S THE THING: APPARENTLY, TURNING YOUR ENTIRE
GENETIC CODE OVER TO FACELESS CORPORATIONS MIGHT HAVE A DOWN
SIDE.
THERE ARE ALL SORTS OF PRIVACY CONCERNS.
FOR EXAMPLE, 23andMe HAS SOLD ACCESS TO ITS DATABASE TO AT
LEAST 13 OUTSIDE PHARMACEUTICAL FIRMS, AND THE G.O.P. HAS
PROPOSED LEGISLATION AIMED AT MAKING IT EASIER FOR COMPANIES
TO GATHER GENETIC DATA FROM WORKERS.
SO GET READY FOR CASUAL FRIDAYS AND EUGENICS WEDNESDAYS.
BECAUSE OF PRIVACY CONCERNS, A FEW WEEKS AGO, THE BALTIMORE
RAVENS CANCELLED THEIR SCHEDULED "D.N.A. DAY," WHICH WOULD HAVE
GIVEN AWAY FREE D.N.A. TESTS TO FANS BEFORE SUNDAY'S GAME.
CLASSIC, NORMAL STADIUM GIVEAWAY, JUST LIKE THAT TROY
AIKMAN BOBBLEHEAD THAT TELLS YOU IF YOU HAVE TYPE 2 DIABETES.
( LAUGHTER ) THE GIVEAWAY WAS POSTPONED
BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, THE D.N.A.
TEST'S "PRIVACY POLICY STATED THAT THE COMPANY COULD KEEP ANY
INFORMATION OBTAINED FOR AS LONG AS THEY WANTED, AND THEY COULD
SHARE IT IN ANY WAY."
"WELL, I JUST CAME TO THE STADIUM TO GET DRUNK AND WATCH
FOOTBALL, BUT, SURE, CLONE ME FOR AN ORGAN FARM.
I DON'T CARE.
WHOO!
GO, RAVENS!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BUT THERE IS-- ORGAN FARM.
ORGAN FARM.
WHY NOT?
BUT THERE IS ONE GROUP THAT LOVES D.N.A. TESTING, AND THAT'S
RACISTS!
APPARENTLY, WHITE NATIONALISTS ARE FLOCKING TO GENETIC TESTS,
BUT SOME DON'T LIKE WHAT THEY FIND, BECAUSE OFTEN THE TESTS
REVEAL AFRICAN ANCESTRY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH!
OH, NO.
>> Jon: LIKE THAT'S A BAD THING.
THAT'S ONE OF THE MOST -- >> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO BE
TOUGH, MAN.
YOU FEEL FOR THESE GUYS.
YOU ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR THEM.
THEN YOU REMEMBER THAT THEY'RE HORRIBLE PEOPLE, AND YOU JUST
LAUGH AND LAUGH.
HERE THEY ARE LAUGHING RIGHT NOW.
UUUUGH!
BUT I GET IT.
I GET IT, GUYS.
YOU PAY ALL THIS MONEY FOR A GENETIC TEST, AND THEN IT UPENDS
YOUR WHOLE WORLD VIEW, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANTED AT
ALL.
LUCKILY, THERE'S A NEW COMPANY THAT CAN HELP.
>> HOW MANY TIMES HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GENETICALLY SUPERIOR, BUT ONE OF THOSE
GENETIC TESTING SERVICES TELLS YOU YOU'VE GOT TRACES OF
NON-WHITE ANCESTRY.
THAT'S WHY THERE'S SUPREME GENETICS, THE ONLY D.N.A.
TESTING SERVICE THAT TELLS WHITE SUPREMACISTS EXACTLY WHAT THEY
WANT TO HEAR.
WANT US TO SAY YOU'RE A PURE-BLOOD DESCENDANT OF THOMAS
JEFFERSON OR NAPOLEON, OR WARIO, THE EVIL MARIO.
SURE, WHATEVER YOU WANT.
>> I WANT TO KNOW I'M DESCENDED EXCLUSIVELY FROM WHITE MEN.
NO WOMEN!
>> THEN SUPREME GENETICS IS THE D.N.A. TESTING SERVICE FOR YOU.
JUST SWAB YOUR TEETH WITH A Q-TIP, PUT IT IN AN ENVELOPE AND
THROW IT AWAY.
WE CERTAINLY DON'T NEED IT.
SIX WEEKS LATER WE SEND YOU A REPORT SAYING YOU'RE ROBERT E.
LEE'S COUSIN OR SOMETHING.
>> MY REPORT IS ONE STRAIGHT LINE BACK TO WHITE JESUS.
>> IT TOLD ME I'M 100% NORWEGIAN.
I KEEP MY REPORT IN THE GLOVE BOX, IN CASE I GET PULLED OUT.
>> SUPREME GENETICS BECAUSE IT'S LIKE, WHAT ARE GENES ANYWAY, YOU
KNOW?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK