[Intro music]
Church: Ugh. I don't believe this.
Doc: It's true, your friend Tucker's pregnant.
See? My little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy.
Church: I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds.
Doc: Yeah, also that.
Church: And infectious diseases.
Doc: Yeah, it lights up green for just about everything.
It takes a while to figure out the difference.
Like this green, indicates a high level of anger stimming from suppressed feelings of inadequacies.
Church: If that thing keeps talking bad about me I'm gonna to fucking smash it.
Doc: And this green means impotency.
Oops, that green causes impotency. My bad Church.
Church: Oh that's okay, it wasn't using it anyway.
Doc: See, these tools can be confusing sometimes, that's why doctors have to go to school for so long.
Not that I'm actually a doctor, mind you.
Church: And that's never been more apparent than with this diagnosis.
Tucker: What diagnosis?
Doc: Congratulations Tucker, you're pregnant.
*Evil laughter*
O'Malley: With bastard.
*evil laughter continues*
Tucker: It's not mine, I wasn't even in town that weekend.
Church: Tucker don't listen to him, he's a lunatic, man, he's got no idea what he's talking about.
Doc: Uh, you want me to go over the green light thing again?
Caboose: Doctor, help! My second best friend is dead! Fix him.
Church: Woah woah, Caboose, what happened? Who's dead?
Caboose: Andy, Andy's dead. Look!
Church: Okay, that's disgusting.
Caboose: Doctor Doc, please help him.
Doc: Uh, I don't know what I can really do to help him, my first aid procedures aren't very effective after decomposition.
Church: Where did you get that?
Caboose: First Tucker dies and now Andy!
Doc: Tucker isn't dead, he's pregnant.
Tucker: It's not mine, we weren't even going steady!
Church: Stop that.
Tucker: Hey look man, I've been saying that for a long time. It's going to take a while to get used to this.
Church: You're not pregnant!
Caboose: I was just standing outside the base and someone told me to turn around and when I did *voice breaks*
Church: Woah wait, who told you to turn around?
Caboose: I don't know! But they were very helpful.
Church: Annnd let me guess, when you turned back around, Andy was gone.
Caboose: Yes, he was... gone.
Church: *Sigh* Everybody stay here, I'll be right back.
Doc: Wait! What do you want me to do about the pregnant guy?
Tucker: It's not mine!
Church: He is not pregnant!
Caboose: And what about Andy?
Church: And that's not Andy! Just look, stay here!
*Pained groaning*
Tucker: Would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?
Doc: Oh boy... Caboose, better go boil some water.
Caboose: How could you think about soup at a time like this?!
Vic: Here are your orders for winning the war, eliminate the enemy.
Okay, also, try to do better than you are currently doing and please win, thank you.
Grif: That is totally, totally lame... And not at all surprising.
Which is also totally, totally lame.
Simmons: I don't know about that Grif, there was actually some valuable tactical information in there, right Sarge?
Sarge: Simmons, have you lost your last marble? That was pure nonsense!
Simmons: Oh, that's what I meant.
Sarge: Eliminate the enemy! What kind of plan is that? I think Command has lost it.
Grif: Lost it? When did they have it?
Donut: Uh, speaking of the enemy, here comes one now.
Grif: Hey, let's eliminate him. Then will have one less thing in the to-do list.
Sarge: I'm just so depressed. I can't even threaten your life for being a total jackass.
Jackass... I'll kill ya.
Donut: Nah, I don't think eliminating him will be easy. It looks like he's bringing his tank with him.
Simmons: What are you talking about Donut? The tank isn't coming out here. Look, it's not even moving.
Donut: Yes it is, look!
Grif: Hey Sarge, cheer up, I've known Command was stupid all along. It could be hard at first but you'll get used to it.
Sarge: Just leave me alone. *Crying*
Simmons: Donut, I am looking, and if it was getting closer, it would be getting bigger.
Donut: It is getting bigger, compared to that tree!
Simmons: What tree? There aren't any trees out here!
Grif: You want to call me an idiot Sarge? That always makes you feel better.
Sarge: Oh shut up moron!
Grif: Ah, feels better, right?
Sarge: Yeah, I guess a little...
Simmons: Nope, not moving.
Donut: Yes it is! See look closer. Sheila (in background): Firing main missle.
Simmons: Okay, you're right. It's coming this way.
Donut: Run!!!
Reds: *Yelling in fear*
Sheila (Repeatedly): Firing main cannon.
Sarge: Regroup men. Grif, start passing out additional ammo.
Grif: Uhhhhhh.
Sarge: Simmons, pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Grif would forget.
Simmons: Already on it, sir.
Sarge: Return fire men. I'll call for reinforcements.
Come in Command, come in!
Vic: Hey dude, come in. Hey, what's going on? That sounds like fun.
Sarge: Vic, we need help. Simmons, get busy negotiating a surrender.
Simmons: Okay, how about we give them our base? Donut: Ah, good idea. We can live in the caves!
Simmons: We can let them kill Grif!
Sarge: Simmons, you're suppose to negotiate THEIR surrender, not ours! Vic, are you still there?
Simmons: Hey Blues! Uh, I mean Blue! We're only going to give you one chance to surrender.
Church: Wha- Why would I-*Sheila fires missle* Hey, hold on a second Sheila.
Why would I surrender?
*Reds whisper* (really it's just sandwich over and over again)
Simmons: Um, because you're outnumbered.
Church: Bullshit dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered.
*more sandwiches*
Simmons: We also think that it's your turn to surrender.
Church: What?!
Simmons: Well, if you'll recall, first you surrendered and you guys gave us Doc. And then we surrendered and we gave you the jeep.
Church: Sheila, shut him up. Simmons (In background): Now that means-
Simmons: SON OF A BITCH!
Donut: Is that a no?
Church: Okay guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant,
an idiot who thinks his pet just died and our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised in our base right now.
So I really, really, REALLY, don't have time for this horseshit right now.
Grif: Uhhh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?
Church: HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible!
Andy (laughing): Yeah, unless the alien impregnated him. 'Cause that's what they do.
They infect the host with the parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right?
...Right?
Church: WHAT?! NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?
Andy: Uhhh, I mean uh, alien baby? How could that have happened? I am shocked as you are.
Caboose (over radio): Come in Church, come in.
Church: Caboose! What did I tell you man? You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here!
Oh great, now I'm on the radio too.
Caboose: Oh, that's why I'm calling to tell you, um the Reds already use their radio annnd O'Malley is gone.
Church: Oh my god!
Sarge: That's right Blue, we've called in the cavalry. As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us.
No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude. It's time to end this thing once and for all!
Tucker (groaning): Ohhhh he he he hooo huuuuu!!!
Doc: Congratulations, it's a... thing. Eugh.
Baby alien: Glug glug, huuuu
Church: What was that?
Caboose: Um, that's the other thing I called about. Tucker had his gross baby.
Tucker (in background): It's not mine!
Church: He is not PREGNANT!
Sheila, stay here. If anybody moves, shoot 'em.
Donut: A baby! Wait up, I want to see!
Sarge: Donut, get back here! Wait for the ship.
Donut: But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is going to get here! It's coming all the way from Earth.
That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!
Simmons: Ship's here.
Grif: Shotgun!
Simmons: Greetings, fellow web surfer. Be sure to subscribe to our channel before you go.
It will be just like we're friends...
Not that I... need.. friends...
*laughter that turns into sobbing*
Please don't go.