Thanks, everybody.
I'm really excited to be here.
This is a first for me.
Never been on Ellen, so thank you for having me.
And I'm really excited because Halloween's coming up.
I don't know if anybody is excited about Halloween.
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
I love Halloween, my favorite holiday.
I think Halloween's the best, because it's
the only holiday you don't have to celebrate
with your family, which is great.
[LAUGHTER]
You never hear, what are you doing for Halloween?
I got to fly back east and go trick or treating
with my parents.
[LAUGHTER]
They got a divorce, so I got to bring two different costumes
this year.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, I'll take that.
I think based on their behavior, It
seems like cherry tomatoes are not
really interested in participating in the salad,
I've noticed.
I try to get one, it's like, whoa, look out,
watch out, whoa, I don't think so, whoa.
[LAUGHTER]
It's like a beach ball on a little rubber ball, you know.
I'm tired of salad.
I can't eat salad anymore.
It's too exhausting, you know.
You have to like, get all the ingredients,
wash them, dry the lettuce, then mix them together,
dress the salad.
Then you go to eat the salad, and it's
like, I got to make a copy of the salad
on my fork for every bite.
I have to like, remake the salad.
I'll be like, lettuce, tomato, onion, mushroom, here we go.
Got to make another salad, here we go.
[LAUGHTER]
Lettuce, onion.
It's like making 14 salads when you have a salad, you know.
That's probably why in a restaurant, they're like,
are you still working on that salad?
And I'll be like, you're damn right I'm
working on this salad.
[LAUGHTER]
I've been working-- all right, that's my salad joke.
[LAUGHTER]
This is really edgy stuff.
I'm doing salad and cherry tomatoes.
I think they could probably bring fajitas out
from the kitchen a little bit later.
[LAUGHTER]
That's the whole joke.
That's it.
[LAUGHTER]
That's a smoke-based joke.
It's just how the fajitas are smoking and stuff.
That's OK.
This isn't live, right?
All right, yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
Let me act like that joke did well.
All right.
[LAUGHTER]
I was eating a fajita, and I burned the roof of my mouth.
And I was like, ow, it really hurts the roof of my mouth.
It's killing me.
And I thought, wait a minute, the roof of my mouth?
This is the ceiling of my mouth.
[LAUGHTER]
The roof of my mouth is up here.
[LAUGHTER]
Whoever named this was not using the attic of their mouth
at all.
[LAUGHTER]
How do you market a cruise to people?
That seems kind of hard.
Do you know what I mean, like, hey, do you like hotels?
Yeah.
How about one that could sink?
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, I could drown in my bedroom.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Near the top of the list of ways I
would not want to die would be to drown in the swimming
pool on the deck of a cruise ship
in the middle of the ocean.
[LAUGHTER]
So did you hear about Demitri?
Yeah, he drowned in the Pacific Ocean.
No, no, no, he drowned on the Pacific Ocean.
The boat was totally fine.
He just found this one rectangle of water.
And it was in there that he--
[LAUGHTER]
I think a treehouse is really insensitive.
That's like killing something and then
making one of its friends hold it.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, it's weird.
Sometimes, I'll be cleaning up at home.
And I'll have the broom and the dust pan.
And I'm sweeping up.
And it's weird because the dust pan
is like, willing to help out just to a point, I've noticed.
I'm like, OK, we're almost done.
Just a little bit left, here we go.
The dust pan's like, I'm done now.
I'm not picking that up.
[LAUGHTER]
There's just a little bit, go on.
No, no, I'm not picking that up.
[LAUGHTER]
The hell you're not.
We're going perpendicular.
You're picking this up, come on.
[LAUGHTER]
It's like, nope.
Just take the broom and redistribute it
around the apartment.
[LAUGHTER]
Like, fine.
I think they should have positive uses for blow darts
too.
Like, if you have to get your kid vaccinated,
you know, you go to the pediatrician, and they're like,
do you want regular or blow dart for these shots?
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, blow dart.
That sounds kind of interesting.
Yeah, that sounds great.
And the kids just like, sitting on that table, you know.
The doctor just pops in, phew, shoot, whoa!
[LAUGHTER]
Sweetie, you're done.
That's it.
You got your vaccination.
It's all done.
I feel like everybody wins.
The doctors like, this is the best part of my day.
I love my job.
[LAUGHTER]
And the parents like, you know, he was acting up on the way
over.
So, yes, thank you.
And the kid has no fear.
There's no anticipation, until the next time
they go to the doctor's office.
At the front door, they're like, all right, where is he?
[LAUGHTER]
I can't wait till we have driverless cars everywhere.
I think that will be great, because it will just
be a matter of time before people realize that they could
just get a car for their dogs.
It should be awesome.
Like, honey, where are the dogs?
I got them a car.
They're just driving around for an hour.
[LAUGHTER]
Can you imagine being in a red light, and a car full of dogs
just pulls up next to you, just like--
[LAUGHTER]
It's the best day ever.
And if you get into an accident with a car full of dogs,
how mad are you going to be?
You get out of the car and you're like, son of a--
hello.
[LAUGHTER]
Where's your insurance?
[LAUGHTER]
Go get your insurance.
Good boy, go ahead.
That's it, thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you, everybody.
Oh my god.
Hilarious, hilarious.
Thanks, Ellen.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks for having me.
Thank you.
So funny.
All right.
You have to see his Netflix special too.
The Netflix special is hilarious.
Tickets for new Demitri Martin's Wandering Mind tour
go on sale today.
Go to our website for details.