Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck, and I teach parenting all over the world through the lens of the
principle self government and in this video, we're talking about correcting
children the wrong way versus the right way.
So in this video, we're going to talk
about correcting children, we're going to talk about correcting them the self government way,
which hopefully is going to be interesting for you and I'm going to be sharing with you a step
by step process that you can use to correct your children the right way. Parenting is hard work
a nd for some people is the hardest thing they ever do. Some people are just afraid of it at the very
beginning and never even do it. But it is hard. It is not for the light hearted it is for the very
brave. The fact that you're watching this video right now suggests to me that you're probably one
of those brave ones who has decided having a child might be something you want to learn from, and an
experience that you want to have. Being a parent is also the most rewarding thing that I've ever
found in life and trust me, I've done a lot of things. But when we are faced with this challenge
of parenting, immediately comes this, we've got to correct it. How are we going to correct the child?
How are we going to help our child correct problems when they need correction? Some of
us think I can't do it the way my parents did it that was out of control, or my parents never even
corrected me and look at I had all these problems. So I don't want to do that. So how am I going to
correct my children? Well, what often happens for people is they will start correcting and
then because they don't have the full skills that they need, they end up falling into the trap of
doing what their parents did before, and hoping that their child will turn out at least as good
as they did. Well, people don't know what they don't know and they don't know how they might
be hurting their childre with the corrections that they're doing. Now, it is always better to
correct even if you're aggressive, it's better to correct rather than to never correct anything.
Because the passive or super permissive modern progressive type parent actually, oftentimes
turns out worse children than the parent who is a little overbearing and doing the corrections. But
both the bully fear based parent and the modern progressive parent have their struggles and those
are both what I would consider the wrong way. If you're really heavy handed with your children,
number one is not necessary. I know that because I was a treatment foster parent for troubled
teens for a lot of years, I couldn't touch them. Otherwise, I'd be hauled into court and you know
what, it's not necessary. They all had changes of heart without me ever laying hands on them.
And so then, of course, I decided never to lay hands on my children as well and there was a
big change that occurred, my children trusted me bonded to me. In fact, when I corrected them,
we felt closer to each other during and after a correction than we even did before. I didn't know
that was possible, but it is and I am so grateful that I learned how to correct that way and that's
what I'm going to be sharing with you today. The type of correction that I do is based upon
the principle of self government. So let's talk about what self government is. Self government is
being able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation, and possessing a knowledge
of your own behaviors so that you can control them. So what that means is that the parent,
if they are a self governed parent will examine themselves, their own behaviors,
their own thoughts, their feelings, their emotions, and they will make a plan for how to
go forward so that they will get the best results, so that they will get the effects that they desire
out of the parenting interactions. This also means that the children will be able to do the same type
of processing for themselves. Obviously, when they're younger and not as mature, they're going
to need some help from their parents. But as they grow older, the children even get to a point where
they start self correcting themselves, because they recognize that they have gone off course,
that is the sign of a self governed person. A self governed person uses all of the four basic skills
that I teach that are used for children, following instructions, accepting "no" answers and criticism,
accepting consequences and disagreeing appropriately. on themselves. They also use
the five teaching styles, which one of those is corrective teaching on them selves. Wow,
that sounds great, right? That the children would just see that they're having a problem and that
they would correct themselves? Well, it doesn't start just with that. First, we have to teach them
that it's safe to accept a correction from us and if we do that in a good way, then soon they will
develop a good correction habit for themselves as well. Is this fun for you? If so, give me a
thumbs up and don't forget to subscribe too because there's a lot of content on this channel related
to correcting children bonding with children, you're not going to want to miss it. It's super
important to correct children if we don't correct children we're technically abandoning them. So we
do need to establish a plan for how children will be corrected when it's necessary.
This means that a good parent does create a plan. They decide ahead of time, how is it that I am
going to correct my children, and then they teach that plan to the children. This means that they
say to the children, okay, these are the skills that you need to learn and if we don't do these
skills, then these are the skills that I am going to use when I need to correct you. These are the
exact words that I will say when I correct you, let's practice these things. A good parent would
even roleplay how corrections will occur with their children so that the children's anxiety
levels are lower, and the predictability is higher. They know exactly how to parent,
they know what to expect, and to not be afraid of mom and dad. If you're a good, assertive,
traditional strict type of parent. That means that you live according to principle. Principle
people do not leave others in the dark and try to surprise them. People who try to surprise
other people with their parenting are manipulating, surprise tactics are manipulating. So teach your
children ahead of time what you will do. Now what are you going to teach your children? Let's talk
about that. In our family, we taught our children four basic skills. Now this was all of the teens
as well as all of the tiny toddlers, they learned the four basic skills of self government. Now
these children's books each teach one of the four basic skills, which are following instructions,
accepting "no" answers and criticism, accepting consequences and disagreeing appropriately. If a
person learns the skill sets to all four of these four basic skills, that takes care of 99% of their
behavioral problems. So I'm going to teach them those for sure, right? No brainer. So I teach them
these four basic skills, then what I do is I teach them the skills that I will use for correction.
Now there are five teaching styles that I use to correct and teach my children. We're only
going to be talking about one of those teaching styles today. All of the rest of those teaching
styles are contained in my book, Parenting A House United. So let's talk about corrections. A really
effective correction engages the heart and the mind and creates a bond for parent and child.
This means that the parent needs to be engaged in a calm way, if you struggle with calmness. Then
below this video, there is a link to a calm parenting toolkit, it says like teach self
gov.com/toolkit and right now that calm parenting toolkit is something that you can have for free.
So definitely get some calmness help there, okay. But if you are calm, then you need to know the
words to say. In fact, one of the key steps to being calm is having pre planned the words to
say so that you don't fall into a bad habit. So what are the words that Nicholeen Peck says? Well,
let me share those with you. I start every correction with a description. If I don't use
a description, then I'll probably use a reaction and I don't want to do that. Reactions, put people
on the defensive and make people feel afraid and disconnected. We want to feel united. After all,
the book is called Parenting A House United. So we want the family to feel as one. So I'm going to
describe... I'm going to start with a timestamp that reminds me to tell a story. So the usual timestamp
that I use is the phrase, just now. I say just now I gave you an instruction and you didn't look at
me, you also didn't keep a calm face. So those are two of the steps to following instructions. I know
that since you didn't do those two steps that you are not following instructions. When you
choose not to keep a calm face, voice and body and look at me, say okay, do the task immediately and
check back then actually, you're choosing to get yourself in not that good of a mood because not
having a calm face means you might start feeling frustrated on the inside. What you should have
done was looked at me, kept a calm face, voice and body and if you had something that you wanted to
talk to me about, you know, you can always use your skill of disagreeing appropriately. Since
you chose not to follow instructions by keeping that calm face, voice and body and looking at me,
then you have chosen to earn an extra chore. Now let me just explain this is the first half of
a correction what I just did. I described this is what happened and I started telling a story. Then
I said rationale. This is why it's not a good idea and for the rationale step I explained
something that matters to them. Then I say this is what you should have done. So I do another
description. You should have done this skill. I could even explain and here's why, if I wanted
to at that point, but then I tell them what they earned. Now, when a person learns self government,
they earn, they choose, I don't give or force or take. It's their self government and they have to
accept a consequence. If they choose not to accept a consequence, then they are not in instructional
control and there's another parenting skill that I use for that they can't learn self government,
they can't learn cause and effect, if I don't give them the opportunity to accept their consequence.
So then I tell them what they earned, which was, in this case, an extra chore,
I usually use work because Samuel Smiles in his book Character that was written in the 1800s said
that work is the antidote for a sick character. And this is so true. When a person works, it
improves their character, it takes them outside of just thinking about themselves. Suddenly, they're
working for a reason, instead of just for them, then after we tell them what they've earned, and
they get the opportunity to use one of their four basic skills, which is accepting consequences,
then they get the opportunity to practice things the right way. So we do a series of role plays,
three role plays, which are a pre teaching moment, which helps them practice how things should have
gone and use the same skill in a similar situation that could come up in the future. We do those
practices three times, and I praise them every time. So I'm going to be looking at them thinking,
I love you the entire correction, sending that love through my eyes, because my eyes are the
windows to my soul and to their soul too and then I'm going to be using a good, calm voice tone,
telling myself, I'm not taking this personal, I'm okay with this situation, and with me having to
do a correction here. And then I am going to tell them what happened, why it wasn't good,
what they should have done, what they earned and we are going to have a special practice session.
At that point, they get the opportunity to go perform their extra chore, and then they come
and check back and get praised again. So when I'm correcting my children, I'm actually oftentimes
praising them six times during one correction. So do you see how a correction doesn't have to
be bad? One thing that people do when they do corrections, the wrong way is they put a negative
spin on the correction, you don't have to put a negative spin on the correction. People don't have
to feel ashamed because they did something wrong there, your child they're learning, they're going
to make mistakes and make wrong choices all the time and we're a parent, we're a teacher, it's
our role to help them. We need to embrace that and not take it so personally, your children should
not view a correction as something that is bad, or something that distances them from you. In fact,
if you do it correctly, they should feel closer to you during and after that correction because you
have this tone of It's okay. You're calm, you're teaching, you're practicing, you're praising
you're bonding with them through the entire interaction. I have a free gift for you remember,
I talked to you about that? Well, it is a calm parenting toolkit, which is actually a course, it's
a mini course. It's got 10 lessons, 10 tools that you can utilize to be calm when someone else isn't
and to get you on the road to self government. In the description below this video, there is a
link that says teachselfgov.com/toolkit. Click on that link right now and you can get the calm
parenting toolkit for free and be on the road to a calmer you and better communication and
calmness for your entire family.