WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW,"
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I HOPE -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FEELING GOOD?
>> Jon: FEELING GREAT.
>> Stephen: I HOPE EVERYBODY HAD A GREAT WEEKEND.
YESTERDAY I HAD A LOVELY DAY.
EVIE AND I WEREN'T TO A PLACE ON THE HUDSON RIVER, WHAT'S IT
CALLED, LITTLE ISLAND, WHICH IS A SMALL LITTLE MANMADE ISLAND
THEY'VE GOT THERE.
IT'S KIND OF BEAUTIFUL JUST TO SEE HOW IT'S BUILT, YOU KNOW,
TOOK IN SOME FRESH AIR.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: TOOK IN THE BEAUTIFUL VIEWS.
YOU KNOW, TESTED OUT WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO FLEE FROM
HUMANITY OFF THE ISLAND.
YOU COULD BLOW THE BRIDGE, CUT OFF FROM THE LAND.
YOU HAVE FIELDS, YOU COULD GROW CORN.
THE HUDSON RIVER IS TECHNICALLY A WATER SOURCE.
( LAUGHTER ) AD THE REASON I'M THINKING
ABOUT ABANDONING HUMANITY IS, REMEMBER
THAT PANDEMIC WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE COMING OUT OF?
WELL, DON'T SUPPOSE TOO FAST.
BECAUSE COVID CASES ARE RISING IN ALL 50 U.S. STATES.
( BOOING ) THAT'S WHERE I LIVE!
WE COULD SEE A RETURN TO PANDEMIC LOCKDOWNS, BECAUSE IN
JUST ONE WEEK, U.S. COVID INFECTIONS ROSE NEARLY 70
PERCENT.
NO!
I WON'T GIVE UP MY AUDIENCE EVEN --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NEVER!
NEVER!
>> Jon: WE CAN'T!
WE CAN'T GIVE THAT UP!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WHOA!
WHOO!
>> Stephen: I DON'T CARE IF THEY HAVE TO BE NOTHING BUT A
BROOM WITH GOOGLY EYES.
THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT EVEN SWEEPS WEEK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THAT'S THE SHOW, EVERYBODY.
GOOD NIGHT.
( APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
IT'S ALL DUE TO THE SPREAD OF THE DELTA VARIANT.
THE DELTA VARIANT SOUNDS LIKE A FRAT HOUSE THAT'S A DISEASE
VECTOR.
SO, A FRAT HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE DELTA STRAIN IS MORE
TRANSMISSIBLE THAN ANY OTHER VARIANT BECAUSE IT HAS MULTIPLE
MUTATIONS.
AND NOT ONE OF THEM INCLUDES MUTTON CHOPS AND ADAMANTINIUM
CLAWS.
THE SURGE OF COVID CASES HAS LED LOS ANGELES COUNTY TO REINSTATE
INDOOR MASK REQUIREMENTS FOR EVERYONE REGARDLESS OF
VACCINATION STATUS.
TYPICAL LOS ANGELES, EVEN THE VIRUS IS PITCHING A SEQUEL.
ONE MAJOR FACTOR KEEPING PEOPLE FROM GETTING VACCINATED IS THE
LIES AND MISINFORMATION THEY READ ON SOCIAL MEDIA, ESPECIALLY
FACEBOOK.
U.S. SURGEON GENERAL DR VIVAYK MORTHY WARNED THAT HEALTH
MISINFORMATION IS A SERIOUS THREAT TO PUBLIC HEALTH.
MAKES YOU MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN FACEBOOK'S PRIMARY FUNCTION
WAS HELPING YOU FIND UNFLATTERING PICTURES OF YOUR
EX'S NEW BOYFRIEND.
CARGO SHORTS?
THERE'S NO WAY DIANE'S HAPPY WITH HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN WHY IS SHE SMILING?
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO TWINKLE )
COVID IS ALSO CAUSING A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR THE OLYMPICS, OR AS
I'M CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGED TO CALL THEM: THE PERFECT TWO WEEK
PERIOD FOR YOU TO ENJOY CLASSIC BLUE BLOODS RERUNS.
ONLY CBS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE GAMES ARE SET TO BEGIN IN
TOKYO ON FRIDAY, BUT AS OF TODAY, THE NUMBER OF COVID CASES
LINKED TO THE OLYMPICS HAS RISEN TO 61.
I SAID IT BEFORE, I'LL SAY IT AGAIN: IT WAS WRONG TO MAKE
TONSIL HOCKEY AN OLYMPIC SPORT.
( LAUGHTER ) AT THIS RATE, THERE'S NOT GOING
TO BE ANY HEALTHY HUMANS LEFT TO COMPETE IN THE GAMES.
SO CONGRATULATIONS IN ADVANCE TO THIS YEAR'S GOLD MEDALIST IN
BOXING: THE BLUE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT.
( LAUGHTER ) OLYMPIC ORGANIZERS ARE DOING
EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF COVID.
LIKE IN THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE, WHERE WE LEARNED ATHLETES WILL
HAVE TO SLEEP ON BEDS THAT ARE ALLEGEDLY DESIGNED TO COLLAPSE
UNDER THE WEIGHT OF ANY MORE THAN ONE OCCUPANT IN ORDER TO
DISCOURAGE SEX.
( LAUGHTER ) YES.
YEAH.
BECAUSE WE KNOW IF THERE'S ONE THING
WORLD-CLASS ATHLETES CAN'T DO, IT'S HAVE SEX IN UNUSUAL
POSITIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JUST BE SURE TO STICK THE LANDING.
( LAUGHTER ) SO LET'S SEE THIS ANTI-SEX BED:
WOW!
EVERY EXPENSE WAS SPARED.
( LAUGHTER ) IT LOOKS LIKE THEY BUILT AN IKEA
WARDROBE, THEN MADE A BED OUT OF THE BOX IT CAME IN.
( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR, ATHLETES DO NOT SEEM
DETERRED FROM GETTIN' IT ON.
AS AMERICAN TRACK STAR PAUL CHELEEMO NOTED, WHILE
THE BEDS HAVE A WEIGHT RESTRICTION OF 440 POUNDS, I SEE
NO PROBLEM FOR DISTANCE RUNNERS, EVEN FOUR OF US CAN DO.
FOUR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOUR.
WORD OF WARNING: YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE SEX WITH DISTANCE RUNNERS.
THEY'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO GET THEIR TIME DOWN, THEIR NIPPLES
BLEED, AND YOU HAVE TO GIVE 'EM A CUP OF WATER IN THE MIDDLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE OLYMPIAN, IRISH GYMNAST RHYS
MCCLENAGAN, WENT SO FAR AS TO TEST OUT THE STRUCTURAL
INTEGRITY OF THE BED.
TAKE A LOOK: >> THEY'RE MADE OUT OF
CARDBOARD, YES, BUT APPARENTLY THEY'RE MEANT TO BREAK AT ANY
SUDDEN MOVEMENTS.
IT'S FAKE.
FAKE NEWS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: FAKE NEWS!
GREAT NEWS FOR RANDY OLYMPIANS, EVEN BETTER NEWS FOR ANYONE WHO
HAS SEX WITH THAT GUY.
(IRISH ACCENT) OOOH, YES!
YES!
SMACK ME WITH THE SHILLELAGH RIGHT IN THE BLARNEY STONES
THAT'S GOOD.
THAT WAS A LITTLE SCOOTISH.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE BUZZKILLS OVER AT
FACT-CHECK VILLAGE HAVE SPENT THE AFTERNOON DEBUNKING THE
RUMORS COMING FROM THE ATHLETES THEMSELVES, AND INSTEAD CLAIM
THAT THE BEDS WERE MADE OF CARDBOARD SO THAT THEY COULD BE
RECYCLED INTO PAPER PRODUCTS AFTER THE OLYMPICS.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR SIX MONTHS FROM NOW TO READ TOILET PAPER LABELS
THAT READ MADE FROM 100% RECYCLED OLYMPIC SEX BED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I GUESS IT WILL SELL.
AND ATHLETES, REMEMBER: IF YOU'RE RECYCLING, YOU GOTTA
BREAK DOWN YOUR OLYMPIC SEX BED.
( LAUGHTER ) AND MAKE SURE TO SEPARATE YOUR
SEX BED FROM YOUR SEX BOTTLES AND YOUR SEX CANS.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF LOSING SLEEP, THE
FBI IS STILL TRACKING DOWN JANUARY 6TH INSURRECTIONISTS.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S:
SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUNDUP.
♪♪ >> CUD YOU BEEF IN ANY MORE
TROUBLE?
>> Stephen: FIRST UP, ARIZONA RESIDENT AND FRED FLINTSTONE
AFTER HIS YABBA DABBA D.U.I., NATHAN WAYNE
ENTREKIN.
ENTREKIN IS CHARGED WITH VIOLENT ENTRY AND DISORDERLY CONDUCT,
BUT HE'S MOST NOTABLE BECAUSE ON JANUARY 6TH, HE WAS WEARING, AS
THE F.B.I. AFFIDAVIT ACTUALLY PUT IT: A PLUS SIZE ROMAN
GLADIATOR COSTUME.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE PLUS-SIZE
GLADIATOR IS THE ONE THEY SEND IN ON THE LIONS' CHEAT DAY.
( LAUGHTER ) COSTUME WASN'T EXACTLY
AUTHENTIC, CHECK OUT THE THE JORTS.
( LAUGHTER ) I BELIEVE HE PICKED UP THAT
OUTFIT AT A T.J. MAXXIMUS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NOT TO CORRECT THE F.B.I., BUT -- FAR BE IT FROM ME TO CORRECT
THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS, BUT
TECHNICALLY, ENTRIKEN WASN'T DRESSED AS A ROMAN.
HE TOLD AUTHORITIES THAT HE WAS COSPLAYING AS SOMEONE NAMED
CAPTAIN MORONI, WHO WAS A FIGURE IN THE MORMON FAITH WHO FOUGHT
AGAINST AN ATTEMPT TO OVERTHROW A DEMOCRACY.
AND NOT, AS I THOUGHT, THE PLURAL OF CAPTAIN MORON.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, COSPLAYING AS AN OBSCURE
RELIGIOUS FIGURE SOUNDS PRETTY NERDY.
BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE TIP OF THE GEEKBERG BECAUSE, ACCORDING
TO THE F.B.I., ENTRIKEN FILMED VIDEOS ON HIS CELLPHONE,
NARRATING THE ACTION FOR HIS MOTHER, WITH WHOM HE LIVES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NATHAN!
NATHAN!
( APPLAUSE ) NATHAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU CAN'T FILM YOURSELF AT A RIOT AND SEND IT TO YOUR MOM.
SAVE THOSE STORIES FOR WHEN SHE TUCKS YOU IN AT NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) IN THE VIDEOS, ENTRIKEN FILMED
THE RIOT AND SAID THINGS LIKE: >> WOW, MOM.
I WISH YOU WERE HERE WITH ME.
MOM, LOOK, I MADE IT TO THE TOP.
AND HERE COMES THE RIOT POLICE, MOM.
OKAY, THAT'S A MOTHER-SON BOND.
I'M SORRY, I MEANT BAIL-BOND.
BUT GOOD NEWS NATHAN.
IF THEY CONVICT YOU, YOU'RE GETTING YOUR OWN PLACE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY ENDING
OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
NEXT UP ON THE ROUNDUP, SCHENECTADY MAN AND LIVING
EMBODIMENT OF THE TERM BRO, BRANDON FELLOWS.
WE'VE SEEN SOME REAL FASHION CRIMES BEING COMMITTED IN THE
COURSE OF RIOTERS COMMITTING ACTUAL CRIMES, BUT FELLOWS
STANDS OUT AS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO WORE A GIANT FAKE BEARD MADE
OF YARN.
I HOPE THE CARPET DOESN'T MATCH THE CARDIGAN.
FELLOWS WAS OUT ON BAIL AWAITING TRIAL, UNTIL JUST A FEW DAYS
AGO.
A JUDGE REVOKED HIS BAIL AFTER FELLOWS' PROBATION OFFICER
TESTIFIED THAT FELLOWS FREQUENTLY LEFT HER RAMBLING,
OVERLY LONG VOICEMAILS, INCLUDING ONE WHERE HE
REFERENCED THE SIZE OF HIS GENITALIA AND THE PERFORMANCE OF
HIS GENITALIA.
I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE SIZE OF THIS MAN'S GENITALIA, BUT HE
CERTAINLY SOUNDS LIKE A MASSIVE DICK
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A JOKE.
IT'S JUST A JOKE.
I'M JUST MAKING JOKES.
IN COURT, FELLOWS APOLOGIZED FOR BEING ANNOYING.
ADDING -- I WOULDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ME
IF I WERE ON THE OPPOSING SIDE.
A TIP FOR THIS GUY IN JAIL: ON YOUR FIRST DAY, GO OUT IN THE
YARD, AND PUNCH THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON IN THE FACE.
IT WILL BE YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF CAPITOL HILL
THERE'S NEWS FROM SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND
HOMICIDAL MOTHER GOOSE, CHUCK SCHUMER.
LAST WEEK, SCHUMER UNVEILED DRAFT LEGISLATION THAT WOULD
LEGALIZE MARIJUANA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I THINK WE'LL ALL REMEMBER WHERE
WE WERE WHEN WE HEARD THIS NEWS.
OTHER THAN POT SMOKERS BECAUSE OF THEIR SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS.
SOMEBODY WRITE IT DOWN FOR THEM.
THEY'LL BE REALLY EXCITED.
THE LEGISLATION IS CALLED THE CANNABIS ADMINISTRATION AND
OPPORTUNITY ACT.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE BILL...
...AND SOMEONE'S USED IT TO ROLL A JOINT.
( LAUGHTER ) AT A PRESS CONFERENCE LAST WEEK,
SCHUMER EXPLAINED WHY HE WAS BACKING THE BILL:
>> FOR JUSTICE AND FOR FREEDOM, IT MAKES EMINENT, EMINENT SENSE
TO LEGALIZE MARIJUANA.
>> Stephen: (AS CHUCK SCHUMER) YES WE MUST LEGALIZE IT FOR
LIFE, LIBERTY, AND PURSUIT OF DANKI-NESS.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE STICKY ICKY, BROSEPH.
BONG LOADS FOR DAYS.
IN COLLEGE, THEY USED TO CALL ME CHEEBA CHUCK.
WELL, NOW CHEEBA'S IN CHARGE AND HE WANTS A FAT LEGAL SACK OF
SKUNKY NUG.
NOW PASS THE DUTCHIE ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS THE HOST OF
"THE REIDOUT" ON MSNBC, JOY REID.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE.
♪♪ JOIN US WON'T YOU ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )