WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW, EVERYBODY."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MAN, THERE'S SO MUCH TO TALK
ABOUT TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO DO TWO MONOLOGUES.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT?
CAN WE DO THAT?
LET'S DO THE FIRST ONE.
YOU CAN FEEL THE EXCITEMENT IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW.
I-- I AM EXCITED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S-- IT'S-- IT'S THE MOST
MAGICAL NIGHT OF THE YEAR BECAUSE
IT'S COMEY TESTIMONY EVE.
I'M READY.
I HAVE THE DECORATIONS UP.
I HUNG MY SOCKS UP OVER CNN.
GOT TO PUT A FEW MORE OF THEM UP.
I CAN STILL SEE WOLF BLITZER.
I MEAN, YOU CAN FEEL THE ANTICIPATION?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I CAN FEEL IT.
I CAN FEEL IT.
♪ I CAN FEEL IT COMEY IN THE AIR TONIGHT
OH, LORD ♪ THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE READY TO
PARTY.
BECAUSE TOMORROW, BARS IN THE CAPITAL ARE OPENING EARLY AND
OFFERING DRINK SPECIALS LIKE THE COVFEFE COCKTAIL.
(LAUGHTER) ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
NOT MADE UP.
COVFEFE IS MADE UP, BUT THE COCKTAIL IS REAL.
THAT'S A CUTE NAME.
,000 IF YOU COME UP WITH A NAME, ORANGE RUSSIAN IS RIGHT THERE.
JUST TAKE A WHITE RUSSIAN, TOSS IN SOME COINTREAU AND A PINCH OF
CAT HAIR.
YOU'RE ALL GOOD.
PEOPLE ARE CALLING COMEY'S TESTIMONY WASHINGTON'S SUPER
BOWL.
YEAH.
AND I HEAR ANIMAL PLANET IS EVEN AIRING THE PUPPY COMEY
TESTIMONY.
COMEY'S TESTIMONY COULD BE CLOVIS.
AND TODAY, WE GOT THE PRE-SPLOSION.
BECAUSE AT COMEY'S INSISTENCE, THE SENATE PUBLISHED
HIS PRE-WRITTEN OPENING REMARKS.
THIS AFTERNOON AND... I HAVE THEM RIGHT HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU GUYS KNOW THAT.
YOU KNOW THIS?
HE PUBLISHED THIS.
THIS IS TRUE.
THEY JUST PUBLISHED IT, LIKE, A COUPLE OF HOURS AGO, AND THIS
THING IS FULL OF JUICY DETAILS BECAUSE, AS PROMISED,
COMEY TOOK NOTES AFTER EVERY INTERACTION WITH DONALD TRUMP,
STARTING WITH THEIR FIRST MEETING BACK IN JANUARY, WHEN
COMEY WRITES, "I FELT COMPELLED TO DOCUMENT MY FIRST
CONVERSATION WITH THE PRESIDENT-ELECT IN A MEMO.
TO ENSURE ACCURACY, I BEGAN TO TYPE IT ON A LAPTOP IN AN F.B.I.
VEHICLE OUTSIDE TRUMP TOWER THE MOMENT I WALKED OUT OF THE
MEETING."
( APPLAUSE ) "DEAR DIARY, I NEEDED TO WRITE
DOWN MY THOUGHTS IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE THAT GUY IS SO DARN
NORMAL.
( LAUGHTER ) NOTE TO SELF: CAN YOU PURELL
YOUR BRAIN?
LOVE, ME."
NOW, ALL IN ALL-- ALL IN ALL, COMEY SAYS HE SPOKE
WITH TRUMP NINE TIMES IN FOUR MONTHS.
IN CONTRAST, HE SPOKE WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA ONLY TWICE
DURING HIS ENTIRE TENURE, "ONCE IN 2015 TO DISCUSS LAW
ENFORCEMENT POLICY ISSUES, AND A SECOND TIME, BRIEFLY, FOR
HIM TO SAY GOOD-BYE IN LATE 2016."
"OH, AND A THIRD TIME A COUPLE WEEKS AGO WHEN HE ASKED IF I
WANTED TO JUST SAY, 'SCREW IT' AND GO HANG OUT WITH HIM AND
OPRAH ON RICHARD BRANSON'S YACHT."
( APPLAUSE ) LET'S GO.
LET'S GO.
WE'RE GOING TO KITE SAIL.
FANTASTIC.
COMEY FIRST MET WITH TRUMP ON JANUARY 6th TO LET HIM KNOW
ABOUT SOME SO-CALLED "SALACIOUS" INTELLIGENCE-- PEE-PEE TAPE,
SAYING HE AGREED TO DO THE MEETING "ALONE TO MINIMIZE
POTENTIAL EMBARRASSMENT TO THE PRESIDENT-ELECT."
REMEMBER, THIS WAS BACK WHEN WE THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR HIM
TO FEEL EMBARRASSMENT.
LAUGH AND AT ONE OF THEIR MEETINGS, EVIDENTLY, COMEY
WRITES THAT TRUMP SAID, "HE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH RUSSIA, HAD
NOT BEEN INVOLVED WITH HOOKERS IN RUSSIA."
( APPLAUSE )
COMEY REPLIED: "I UNDERSTAND, MR. PRESIDENT,
BUT I JUST ASKED WHAT YOU HAD FOR BREAKFAST."
( LAUGHTER ) "NEVER PAID FOR BREAKFAST IN MY
LIFE."
COMEY ALSO DESCRIBED A DINNER HE HAD WITH TRUMP JUST AFTER THE
INAUGURATION.
WHEN HE WAS INVITED, COMEY ASSUMED OTHER PEOPLE WOULD BE
ATTENDING, OF COURSE, BUT WHEN HE SHOWED UP, IT TURNED OUT TO
BE JUST THE TWO OF THEM, SEATED AT A SMALL OVAL TABLE.
OH, COME ON.
THAT'S THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK!
YOU INVITE YOUR F.B.I. DIRECTOR OVER FOR A MOVIE SAYING IT'S
GOING TO BE A "GROUP THING, JUST THE TWO OF YOU.
CAN'T MAKE NETFLIX WORK, SO YOU KNOW...
( APPLAUSE ) SO YOU OBSTRUCT JUSTICE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND JUST AS COMEY SUSPECTED,
TRUMP DROPPED A BOMBSHELL.
AT THE MEETING.
"THE PRESIDENT SAID, 'I NEED LOYALTY.
I EXPECT LOYALTY.' COMEY SAYS, "I DIDN'T MOVE,
SPEAK, OR CHANGE MY FACIAL EXPRESSION IN ANY WAY
DURING THE AWKWARD SILENCE THAT FOLLOWED."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE DIDN'T MOVE.
DEPARTMENT MOVE A MUSCLE.
BASICALLY, COMEY TREATED TRUMP LIKE THE T. REX IN "JURASSIC
PARK."
IT MAKES SENSE.
THEY BOTH HAVE THE SAME-SIZED HANDS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I CAN'T TEAR IT.
WITH HANDS THAT SMALL, YOU CAN'T TEAR ANYTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S A LOT OF WEIRD STUFF IN
THIS DOCUMENT.
FOR EXAMPLE, TRUMP FREQUENTLY REFERRED TO THE SCANDAL AS "THE
CLOUD," TELLING COMEY THAT THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION WAS A
"CLOUD" AND ASKING WHAT HE COULD DO TO "LIFT THE CLOUD."
MR. PRESIDENT, THAT'S NOT A CLOUD.
METEOROLOGISTS CALL THAT A (BLEEP) STORM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND--
IN THEIR FINAL CONVERSATION, IN THEIR FINAL CONVERSATION,
COMEY WRITES TRUMP SAID, 'I HAVE BEEN VERY LOYAL TO YOU, VERY
LOYAL.
WE HAD THAT THING, YOU KNOW.' I DID NOT REPLY OR ASK HIM WHAT
HE MEANT BY 'THAT THING.'" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND, ACCORDING TO COMEY'S TESTIMONY, "THAT WAS THE LAST
TIME I SPOKE WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP.
OH, SO IT HAS A HAPPY ENDING.
( LAUGHTER ) TOMORROW, COMEY'S GOING TO SAY
ALL OF THIS OUT LOUD AND SENATORS WILL GET TO ASK HIM
QUESTIONS ABOUT IT FOR HOURS.
WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THIS.