I know a lot about one thing.
I know a lot about Islam.
I'm a Muslim.
Any Muslims here?
(single laugh)
(audience cheers)
I'm so Muslim.
I'm okay with questions, too.
A lot of people of color will do this thing
where they'll be like, "Hey, whitey, if you have a question
"about me and my background, don't ask me.
"I don't speak for all my people.
"If you have a question about me and my background,
"Google that shit."
As a Muslim, don't Google that shit, okay?
The internet's not our friend.
If you Google "Muslim" half the results are conservatives
going, "They're all in ISIS."
And then the other half of the results
are ISIS going, "We're all in ISIS."
You know what I mean?
They're on Twitter.
They have followers, they have clout.
They have some pretty funny content, let's be real.
Don't go to the internet with your Muslim-related questions.
Go to a Muslim.
And if you're sitting here and you're like,
"Well, what if I don't know any Muslims?
"How will I ask them a question?
"How do I do that?"
Well, there's actually an app that will send Muslims
directly to you.
It's called Uber (audience laughs)
and the way it works,
you hit one button, a guy named Mansur will show up
in three minutes in a Toyota Camry.
(audience laughs)
You don't have to go anywhere.
You can just get in there, just, "Sharia law, go."
He'll tell you. (audience laughs)
He'll tell you everything.
Hijabs, anything you want to talk about,
Mansur will tell you.
People think of it as a ride share app.
It's a Muslim delivery service.
I call it and it says Khaled is on his way.
It's Khaled, five stars.
I go, "Oh shit, all right.
"Khaled, here we go."
And he shows up and I get in the back
of the Toyota Camry.
I close the door.
And then the same thing happens.
I get in, he looks at his phone and he looks at me.
He's like, "Ismael?"
He says my name super Arab.
"Isma-eel aye (gurgles)."
"Ismael aye aah ein."
We have secret letters, we're evil, anyway.
But he says that to check me,
just to make sure that I'm not actually
Puerto Rican somehow.
He just says that, "Ismael,"
and I'll be like, "Yes, as-salamu alaykum,
what's going on, (speaks in foreign language)."
He gets excited.
He's like, "(speaks in foreign language)."
He gets so excited.
And, yeah.
And we can all accept at this point in the app's history,
that Uber, you're gonna have to have some small talk,
right?
There's gonna be some.
Maybe you'll try to avoid it,
but there's gonna be some small talk, which is fine.
The only issue is that Arab-to-Arab small talk
gets dark fast.
I don't know if you know the Middle East.
It's not happy right now.
That is some in 30 seconds it is zero to genocide.
It is dark.
'Cause I get in the back of the car,
he's like, "Ismael."
I'm like, "Yeah, (speaks in foreign language)."
And he's like, "(speaks in foreign language)."
And then inevitably he's like, "Where are you from?"
And I'm like, "Syria."
Yeah, every time, every time.
(laughs) Yeah, exactly.
I go, "I'm from Syria."
And then every time without failing he goes,
"Man, what happened to your country is fucked up, man!
"Oh, President Bashar al-Assad is an evil man
"for what he did to the innocent Syrian people.
"Allah God will curse him for 1,000 years
"for what he did to the innocent Syrian people.
"Allah curse him, and his children,
"and his children's children's blood will soak
"into the molten core of the earth for 1,000,"
and the Chinese girl who's also in the pool
is like, "I'll just get out, wherever you want me to be.
"I don't need to be a part
"of this moment you two are having."
I'm like, "Jennifer, you are in this with us.
"Jennifer, you have to experience this with me."
I'm not even really from Syria, is the funny part.
I'm ethnically Syrian, but I grew up in the South.
I'm from Florida.
(audience whoops)
Ah, yeah. (winces)
Ha ha, "Florida."
I've heard every joke.
"Yeah, Florida's worse than Syria."
Fuck you.
Fuck you guys.
Nah, nah, fuck that.
Everybody shits on Florida.
You guys never even set foot in the state.
Yeah, it sucks.
But you gotta live there.
You got to experience that shit.
The worst thing is other southerners shit on Florida.
Other southerners give us,
there are southerners in this room who hear me
call myself a southerner and they're like,
"Nah, you ain't a southerner, buddy.
"You a Floridian."
Fuck you, bro.
Fuck you.
"Nah, dude, you ain't from the South.
"You from Florida, it's a little bit different."
Why?
Why is it different?
"'Cause you got Cubans."
That's the reason.
Too many Cubans for it to count.
We got biscuits.
We got cheese grits.
Come on, man.
I've had a dude from Kentucky come up to me
like, "Hey, dude, you're not really from the South,
"by the way, you're from Florida."
I'm like, "Bro, you guys weren't even in the Confederacy.
"You didn't even have slaves, motherfucker."
I'm like, "What am I defending?
"How did I get there?"