so when i smoked this drug i stayed up for 10 straight days after the third day of
staying up you lose sight of date time who you are why you're alive on the last day
i actually had a encounter with i believe is satan now but he came to me in an open eye vision
he just looked at the asian grandpa and said i know you're having a hard time and i said yeah i
thought it was my buddhist god so when he came to me he said it's time for you to take your own life
cut your neck cut your stomach and i'll spare you from hell and i didn't know
jesus back then so that's exactly what i did i went to the kitchen with my mom in the house
and i grabbed the biggest knife i could find and i cut my neck open and also my stomach open you know
which and i lost 90 of my blood my mom walks into the living room and she sees her son
almost dying she calls 9-1-1 and the cops come over to try to get the knife away from me and
they came in within like one minute right i was wrestling with them they took the knife away
they maced me whacked me with the bat and were struggling and that's when i
fainted after being whacked whacked whacked by the bat and pretty soon i'm going in and out
and and i'm in the hospital and at the hospital um that's when i had the the ob i literally you
know lost consciousness before the surgery and i see myself but i'm not going to heaven like the
false god satan and coming as an old grandpa said i'm sinking and it feels like an elevator
just falling down and after five minutes of just this horrific feeling of being abandoned and fear
multiplied by 100 by anything you can feel on earth i land and i look around and it's hell
how do i know it's hell because first of all i never had to stop before but when i got there
during this autobody experience i looked around and there was just so many countless people i
wasn't the only one there demons are ceiling high they're everywhere i feel pain and i knew i was a
sinner and i will never leave this place i don't know where the idea came from i just
supernaturally knew instinctively knew and that's when i realized like i made a big mistake
um i grew up in korea until the age of nine so i was born in seoul i remember living with my
aunts grandma grandpa like ten of us sleeping in one room so it was a very cozy community-based
living but at the same time my parents were not around because they were overseas preparing for
us to move over here to the united states you know from the age of six i was attending the
temples and i was very into it unlike some of the other kids who were just kind of coming by
i was actually asking questions to the monks i was sleeping there going there every weekend as
a matter of fact i remember asking myself why are human beings born what is the purpose of
humanity what is the purpose of life and because i was not exposed to christianity back then
buddhism was the only like venue of me finding the answers to my curiosity um i came at the age of
nine and at first everything was so good right big supermarkets you have to remember back in the 80s
in korea there was no supermarkets of that size or even restaurants never mind pizza mcdonald's
none of that was ever present in korea back then so i was so delighted by the holidays the
toys the amount of food but i had an identity crisis as i entered middle school and i asked
my mom like why am i korean-american mom i want to be white living in boston there's no asian
there's no asians there guys this is like the countryside of boston in the late 80s early 90s
so we were like the minority of minorities there's no one you can really there's no role models that
are asian american around you everyone's caucasian or puerto rican or african-american back then so
and that does create not just confusion but the confusion becomes anger and that anger responds
through rebellion and i think long-term you know depression or sadness because anger is a
sign of being sad or not having something you want right so i think there's a big relationship there
i don't want you guys think i was doing drugs for a long term i actually started doing drugs during
this like the freshman year we were just smoking weed once in a while i ended up living with my
friends who were it was a deal or home so we're having like huge jasper bags of drugs going in and
out we're transporting it we're carrying it we're selling it we're smoking it three times a day
now school reopens in the fall and i'm trying to readjust to life but i can't because i'm so
drugged out so another guy came and we smoked out again but this is where it gets kind of crazy
but i smell what's called a death bowl a death bowl is the street name for heroin cocaine pcp
it looks like marijuana but it's laced so when i smoked this drug i stayed up for 10 straight
days after the third day of staying up you lose sight of date time who you are while you're alive
on the last day i actually had a encounter with i believe is satan now but he came to me in an open
eye vision he just looked at the asian grandpa and said i know you're having a hard time and
i said yeah i thought it was my buddhist god so when he came to me he said it's time for you to
take your own life cut your neck cut your stomach and i'll spare you from hell and i didn't know
jesus back then so that's exactly what i did i went to the kitchen with my mom in the house
and i grabbed the biggest knife i could find and i cut my neck open and also my stomach open you know
which and i lost 90 of my blood my mom walks into the living room and she sees her son
almost dying she calls 9-1-1 and the cops come over to try to get the knife away from me they
came within like one minute right i was wrestling with them they took the knife away they maced me
whacked me with the bat and were struggling and that's when i fainted after being whacked whacked
by the bat and pretty soon i'm going in and out and and i'm in the hospital and at the hospital
um that's when i had the ob i literally you know lost consciousness before the surgery and i see
myself but i'm not going to having like the false god satan and coming as an old grandpa said i'm
sinking and it feels like an elevator just falling down and after five minutes of just this horrific
feeling of being abandoned and feared multiplied by 100 by anything you can feel on earth
i land and i look around and it's hell how do i know it's hell because first of all i never had
to stop before but when i got there during this auto body experience i looked around and there was
just so many countless people i wasn't the only one there demons are ceiling high they're
everywhere i feel pain and i knew i was a sinner and i will never leave this place i don't know
where the idea came from i just supernaturally knew instinctively knew and that's when i realized
like i made a big mistake i woke up the next day and they told me i was out for 12 hours
but it was a five-minute visit to hell and i knew i didn't want to be there because it's
like hopelessness to spirit loneliness pain when i came out of it i was like you know in
just very traumatized for the next three months that's how painful it was jesus talks about a
place of torment where there is no quenching of fire and there's no stopping of the gnashing of
teeth and i did feel heat i did feel darkness i felt hopelessness that's how he knew it was
biblically valid it was exactly what he said when i opened my eyes i was surrounded by pastors like
you want to see the sinner's prayer i was like yes i do i was so relieved and scared of hell
and relieved of being alive at the same time that i think i said the sinner's prayer about 10 times
yeah so the lord allowed me in his grace and and love and mercy to to see hell just like it is in
the bible and then six months later or or rather more like seven months later in the summer of 1999
i was in korea now now for six months yeah i was just resting at the prayer mountain i tried
to go back to school but i couldn't really be physically all there so i ended up just kind of
leaving school i'm resting i'm trying to become a christian right but at the same time i'm still
partying with my my non-christian friends heard what happened they still kept coming so i still
went drinking after this happened i was like lord i heard this mercy of forgiveness let me have one
last shot right it ended up causing me to party like every day but in the midst of this parting
in the summer the lord allowed me to have a car accident which really struck fear in me and at the
same time he gave me a dream like i'd even asked for this dream i was on the top of a mountain the
dream very vivid and i heard the voice of god and i've never heard audibly this clearly and
and god speaks to me in bible verses and he said jesus is my beloved son in whom i'm well pleased
listen to him listen to him listen to him and i was like oh my god did i just hear god and i
saw this triangular light like rotating in the dream and i'm on the top of a mountain
and i see this huge beautiful valley with the river and mountains on both sides and
just like it says in revelation 21 verse 2 it says i saw the holy city the new jerusalem
coming down out of heaven from god prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband
it was literally a transparent pyramid triangular city just i think it was a new jerusalem and it
came down and there were angels on both sides just flying with trumpets that were so long and
they're worshiping god and i knew it was not human voice because it was just so holy and perfect and
majestic and beautiful at that moment compared to seeing hell and compared that hopelessness
times 100 which of anything on earth painful with pain wise and seeing heaven where the peace and
the joy and the comfort you feel of having father right next to you like tangibly visibly with you
is incomparable and i knew that god was showing me heaven to because he wants all of humanity there
he wants every single soul there the defining moment for heaven and hell seeing heaven and
hell and coming to a point of realization and resolution of lifestyle change was i need to
share this gospel with every human being i meet we ask ourselves like what can we do to love this
person right we can do acts of service give them money pray for them but if they don't know jesus
the greatest gift we can give them is to let them know these two places are real and that through
jesus you can actually go to heaven only through jesus actually you know and have a relationship
with with the father where you're his child it's the most beautiful thing we can give somebody
i can with 100 confidence tell you right now that i do not struggle with depression or suicide ever
except when i am overworked and physically tired
but then that's not depression or suicidal thoughts right why am i saying this because
i believe not taking care of the body is a big element of having a unsuccessful spiritual life
the degree to which you take care of your body and your spirit is a degree to which we can have
a true joy and and enjoy in the life of jesus i really believe in that big proponent of that
if you're struggling through depression and sadness or lack of motivation we have to start by
shifting the focus from ourselves to others i don't know if you notice this but when you're
with others it's hard to be depressed when you're with god it's hard to be depressed
when you're more aware of other people's suffering than your own it's hard to be unmotivated because
you're gonna do stuff to help them jesus said in john 12 24 i love this verse it's actually
my second favorite verse unless the kernel of wheat falls to ground and dies it remains alone
it's not good for us to be alone but if it falls to the ground and dies then it bears much fruit it
will bear a huge harvest so can we ignore it it's not just about ignoring but it's about shifting
the focus from being aware of my depression to thank god that i'm even alive but some people come
to a point where professionally they might need psychiatric help and i'm not against that because
medicine too is a blessing from god i believe but there's comes a point when you're healed to
a certain degree now it's up to you and the lord so i start my day through prayer and thanksgiving
and praise and it reshifts priority and joy right and in his presence it says in the bible there's a
fullness of joy so our job is not to get rid of depression our job is to get into his presence
and he will get rid of the depression for you when i'm down i have a thanksgiving notebook
and i will start writing what i'm thankful for and then you're like oh when was i down
right so it's all about the reshifting of the focus and doing what we can do
when we are hopeless and when we're going through depression and suicidal thoughts
i want to encourage you guys that there's it takes one word from jesus for me it took one encounter
to get rid of that junk so have hope because god can literally change the situation from the prison
to the palace in one day for me it was like literally held to earth to heaven in one day so
god has a plan to use you and there is a purpose to your suffering i didn't know this but now i
have so much compassion for suicidal people so i want to encourage you guys that jesus has allowed
the suffering to happen because number one he wants to deliver you and number two he's gonna use
that story for you to be able to relate to those who are gonna go through the same thing later
so you're in good hands it's gonna be okay says the lord it's gonna be okay after the
pandemic happened the lord's installing more fire more anointing more faith than when before
the virus came i you know people say oh now i'm not motivated to do stuff you know we've
had daily prayer today's day 54 of our daily prayer chain every morning we've been praying
and what god what we feel like god is saying to the body of christ and to us who seek him daily
in the morning first thing is i want my church to wake up i want my church to be a pure spotless
bribe before i come back so my heart burns for the church when i meet a believer my number one
priority is how can i get this guy on fire how can we be radical because if you're not crazy
for jesus you'll be crazy for something else like golf or something else i don't know what but every
human being worships and is crazy for something even if that's laziness or you know saving souls
so i feel like god is saying be on fire be hot don't let me spew you out of my mouth be like
the five wise virgins who was ready for his coming because if you're not if you miss it it's too late
live on fire for jesus and i'm not talking about just outwardly on the inside we can live on fire
for jesus for the world i feel like god is saying anyone can meet him so mars burning for both the
church and evangelism and i feel like we have one shot at this you know only one life it will soon
be passed what's done for christ will last we're very excited to see you know god use everybody in
the body no more people on the sidelines this is not time for cylon christianity everyone's in the
game everyone's in the coliseum everyone has to fight i was once lonely confused and fatherless
but now after meeting jesus heart person to person i belong to a eternal family i have a
good good perfect father who'll never leave me nor forsake me i am found and made whole
i'm one with myself and i am probably the most grateful person ever alive
for just breathing i don't need anything there's no more selfish goals it's just
being with jesus is more than enough and the person in front of you is number two in
the sense that there's jesus and then there's a person in front of you who is made in his image
so i would say i am very thankful joyful and fearless because of meeting jesus now
you