Oh hey everybody. This week on Ask Cristen it’s worth remembering that people are not
like houses. Even if you so call flip them, renovate them, restore them their foundations
to everything you know that they possibly could be, at no point can you put them on
the market and make a handsome profit off of him or her and then retire to Hawaii.
So this week’s Ask Cristen question is coming from Elizabeth. ‘Why am I often attracted
to “broken” guys? I’ve noticed that I’m instantly more attracted to a guy when
I find out that, say, he suffers from depression or has issues with his family. I kind of feel
like I can fix him or be there for him. Could it be because I’m a very empathetic person?
Or maybe I’m just always inclined to cheer for the underdog? It’s messing with my relationships
and my head.’ When I read your comment the first person this old narcissistic host thought
of was [bells chiming]. I’m not referring to Professor Boyfriend slash finance now being
like a DIY project for me. He is his own house with working plumbing and walk-in closets.
As I was thinking about this fixer upper syndrome as some people on the internet call it, I
wondered what kind of relationship attachment style that reflected. I have a hunch that
this does trend a little more anxious attachment because there’s something from that other
person that we need, more than just their presence. We need them to be a project, we
need to know that we’re fixing something, we need to know that we can be appreciated
for more than just who we are but the specific thing that we can give them. In a way it’s
kind of like replicability insurance. If you can get this person fitter, healthier, better-dressed,
more successful and happier, than how on Earth would that person ever want to leave you,
ever think that he or she could find a suitable substitute for what an incredible person you
are. In all of our cases we are amazing and unique and wonderful in our own special ways
and we have so much to give to all of these people and there’s nothing wrong with wanting
to be like really, really, really, really good to another person but I think Elizabeth,
that the thing you really have to pay attention to is first what your motivation is. Are you
really just wanting to be a cheerleader? Because there are a lot of things that you can cheerlead.
You can cheerlead sports teams, you can cheerlead friends who can always use cheerleading or
ultimately do you need that person to cheerlead you [suspenseful music] by virtue of becoming
indebted to you. Telling you things like, ‘I’ve never met anyone like you before
in my life’, ‘no one understands me like you do’, ‘I would be nowhere without you.’
In my case when I have gone for more broken guys, if I could save that person who seemed
unsaveable, well then that would mean that I am truly special. And when you start deriving
your sense of being truly special from someone else, you get into dangerous territory. Important
thing number two: you have to make sure that it’s a two-way street. If you’re the one
giving, giving, giving, giving, everything that you’ve got to this other person and
they’re taking, taking, taking and may not even have the wherewithal to give back, that’s
going to be tough to maintain for the long term. With fixer upper types of situations,
they aren’t necessarily looking to share your load because their’s is like so much
and it’s kind of like well if you want to date me, if you can handle all of this than
go for it but when you need something, mmmmmm. Relationships go through ebbs and flobes.
Flobes [laughs]. Sometimes, when things are, are not flobing, one person in the relationship
will be carrying a lot more than the other person. But it shifts.That’s the beauty
of relationships, at least in my experience. When Professor Fiance is a little too tired,
than I’ll wheelbarrow him down the beach and when I get too tired, he’ll wheelbarrow
me. [Laughs]. Not to mention that you need to be wary of developing codependent relationships.
This person can’t literally function without me and I can’t function without that person
needing me so much. And all I’m suggesting here is just examining your own motives. Just
check yourself. Things like journaling can be super helpful for opening up that line
of radical honesty and openness with yourself and that might seem strange because you’re
like, Cristen, I’m talking to myself, how can I not be open and honest with myself.
Answer: It’s so easy. But if you continue to ask yourself why questions and open-ended
questions you will start to peel away the layers of what might be going on and at the
end you might get to empathy. But again, I just wonder if your romantic relationship
is the best place to direct that caregiving energy. This is different, I think, from dating
someone and maybe helping them out in the wardrobe department. But if you are looking
for a DIY project, I suggest you divert that energy elsewhere. Now friends, I’m curious
to know from you. Has this been your experience where you’ve found yourself kind of going
for a fixer upper project, or, and I’ve also experienced this as well, have you been
someone’s fixer upper project? And thanks to everybody who watched and commented on
last week’s Ask Cristen video all about ‘Daddy Issues’. Jennifer Durrant said,
‘I think the phrase daddy issues is such a cruel way to talk about people who suffered
because at the most vulnerable time in someone’s life their parent/s didn’t love and support
them the way they needed to be, “daddy issues” can be really hard to deal with when it comes
to what you’re attracted to.’ Helena Priem said, ‘When I started spotting those “daddy
issues” in my relationships, I became fixated, wondering “what if I like him because he’s
[like] my dad?!” But the next step for me was to recognize that some interests I have
(like science fiction) I shared with my father first, but now they are a part of my own personality,
and I thank him for the little nice moments we shared as a family.’ And as always, if
you’ve got questions let me know below so I can give you some answers.