WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU GUYS HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND?
>> YES!
>> Stephen: I HAD A GREAT WEEKEND.
I TELL YOU ONE THING, NONE OF US HAD AS GOOD A WEEKEND AS JOHN
KELLY WHO IS OUT AS WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF.
A GREAT WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED FROM HIS SHOULDERS, NOW THAT
TRUMP WILL NO LONGER BE RIDING HIM PIGGYBACK.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, I JUST WANT TO SAY
CONGRATULATIONS ON A JOB, WELL -- DONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I THINK WE'VE FOUND THE NEXT HOST OF THE
OSCARS!
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S BEEN TENSION BETWEEN
KELLY AND THE PRESIDENT FOR A WHILE, AND PEOPLE WERE WONDERING
WHETHER KELLY WOULD QUIT OR IF TRUMP WOULD FIRE HIM.
THEN, ON FRIDAY NIGHT, THE TWO MET IN TRUMP'S RESIDENCE AND
AGREED THAT THE DEPARTING CHIEF WOULD BREAK HIS OWN NEWS ON
MONDAY.
A PROFESSIONAL, AMICABLE AGREEMENT... SO, TRUMP DID THIS
ON SATURDAY.
>> JOHN KELLY WILL BE LEAVING AT THE END OF THE YEAR.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "I WOULD LIKE TO HUMBLY ANNOUNCE
THAT IT WAS ME WHO DUMPED HIM.
NO MATTER WHAT HE TELLS YOU, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
I'M THE ONE WHO SAID WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PRESIDENTS."
( LAUGHTER ) "JUST WAS NOT INTO HIM."
AND TRUMP ALREADY HAD KELLY'S REPLACEMENT PICKED OUT, MIKE
PENCE'S CHIEF OF STAFF AND BRO WHO'S NOT GOING TO LET THOSE
NERDS HOLD A LUAU ON CAMPUS WHILE HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF
SIGMA PHI EPSILON, NICK AYERS.
AYERS HAD EVERY QUALITY TRUMP WAS LOOKING FOR: EXPERIENCE IN
THE WHITE HOUSE, POLITICAL ACUMEN, AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY,
"WITH A HEAD OF BLOND HAIR, MR. AYERS SOMEWHAT RESEMBLES MR.
TRUMP IN HIS YOUNGER DAYS, A FACT THAT THE PRESIDENT OFTEN
LOOKS FOR AS A POSITIVE SIGNAL."
(AS TRUMP) "OH, WOW, IT'S LIKE LOOKING IN A
MIRROR.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE A GREAT SKIN FARM... I MEAN... CHIEF OF SKIN.
I MEAN STAFF OF HAIR."
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS SUCH A DONE DEAL THAT
TRUMP ALREADY PREPARED A NEWS RELEASE ANNOUNCING MR. AYER'S
APPOINTMENT.
BUT AYERS DECLINED TRUMP'S OFFER, AND ACCORDING TO ONE
FORMER ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL, THIS WAS "A HUMILIATION FOR
MR TRUMP AND HIS ADULT CHILDREN, AN EMOTION THAT THE PRESIDENT
TRIES TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND THAT'S NOT EASY.
HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ADULT CHILDREN?
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S NOT JUST AYERS.
NOBODY SEEMS TO WANT THIS JOB.
SOME OF THE NAMES FLOATED INCLUDE, "TREASURY SECRETARY
STEVE MNUCHIN, WHO HAS NEVER PURSUED THIS JOB OR HAS EVER
CONSIDERED HIMSELF FOR THE ROLE," AND "WHITE HOUSE BUDGET
DIRECTOR MICK MULVANEY, WHO REMAINS UNINTERESTED."
IT'S LIKE TRUMP'S TRYING TO GIVE HIS ROSE AWAY IN "THE BACHELOR."
(AS TRUMP) "I HOLD IN MY HANDS, THE FINAL
ROSE, AND I WOULD BE SO HONORED IF YOU, STEPHANIE, WOULD-- NO?
OKAY.
CHLOE, I HAVE ALWAYS-- RIGHT OKAY, MOVING ON.
ANYBODY WANT THIS THING?
CHRIS HARRISON?
YOU WANT TO EARN YOUR CHECK FOR ONCE?
NOPE?
THE GUY HOLDING THE BOOM MIC, YOU SINGLE?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SO, THE PRESIDENT IS IN DESPERATE NEED OF A CHIEF OF
STAFF WITH NO VIABLE CANDIDATES.
WHICH IS WHY I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO OFFICIALLY
THROW MY HAT IN THE RING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( AUDIENCE CHANTING ) >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO
DEFINITELY DO IT.
>> Jon: YOU SHOULD DO IT!
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, I STEPHEN COLBERT, AM YOUR NEXT
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF.
( CHEERING ) WILL I BE ABLE TO CONTROL THE
PRESIDENT?
NO.
WILL WE FIGHT?
YEAH!
BUT I WILL BRING A STEADY HAND TO A TUMULTUOUS WEST WING?
ALSO NO.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT NO ONE COULD!
WHO CARES?
AND, NO, I DON'T AGREE WITH THE PRESIDENT'S POLICIES, AND, NO,
THIS WON'T HELP THE COUNTRY BUT I BELIEVE IN MY HEART OF
HEARTS THAT THIS COULD BE FUN FOR ME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT WOULD BE FUN.
CAN I DO IT?
IT WOULD BE GREAT!
WHO WOULDN'T PASS UP THE CHANCE TO SPEND TEN MINUTES ON THE DECK
OF THE TITANIC WHILE IT'S SINKING?
( LAUGHTER ) I'M REALLY CURIOUS TO HEAR WHAT
A BOUND SOUNDS LIKE WHEN THEY KNOW THEY'RE ABOUT TO TAKE THE
BIG BATH.
THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET EVEN MORE CHAOTIC AT THE WHITE HOUSE
BECAUSE ROBERT MUELLER IS BEGINNING TO SHOW HIS HAND.
>> YEAH!
>> Stephen: POKER FANS HERE TONIGHT.
FRIDAY, MUELLER DROPPED HIS SENTENCING RECOMMENDATION FOR
FORMER TRUMP ATTORNEY AND REGRET EMOJI MICHAEL COHEN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE'RE LEARNING ALL SORTS OF
JUICY DETAILS.
FOR INSTANCE, MICHAEL COHEN WAS IN TOUCH AS FAR BACK AS 2015
WITH A RUSSIAN WHO OFFERED "POLITICAL SYNERGY" WITH THE
TRUMP ELECTION CAMPAIGN.
"POLITICAL SYNERGY" IS A SUCH A NICE WAY TO SAY "COLLUDING TO
FIX THE ELECTION."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S LIKE DESCRIBING
REPEATEDLY STABBING SOMEBODY AS "TORSO VENTILATION."
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S GET SOME AIR IN THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, PROSECUTORS WANT COHEN TO
SERVE A SUBSTANTIAL PRISON TERM FOR HIS PAYMENTS TO TRUMP
MISTRESSES KAREN MCDOUGAL AND STORMY DANIELS, WHICH
CONSTITUTED ILLEGAL CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS.
YEAH.
WE SHOULD HAVE SUSPECTED SOMETHING WHEN TRUMP'S WEBSITE
ASKED IF YOU WANTED TO CONTRIBUTE $25, $50, OR
"WHATEVER YOU CAN COUGH UP FOR THE SPANK BANK."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S AN UNOFFICIAL TERM.
( LAUGHTER ) COHEN ARGUED FOR A LIGHTER
SENTENCE, CITING HIS SUPPORT FOR OTHER CHARITABLE CAUSES.
IT'S TRUE.
WE KNOW HE GAVE TO CHARITY, AND DESTINY
AND CANDY, GINGER AND SHYANNE.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, COHEN'S SENTENCING
RECOMMENDATION DOES NOT MENTION THE PRESIDENT BY NAME.
INSTEAD, IT SAYS HE ACTED AT THE DIRECTION OF "INDIVIDUAL-1."
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D EVER SAY THIS, BUT DONALD TRUMP, YOU'RE
NUMBER ONE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE NUMBER ONE!
WHOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
TRUMP SAW THIS NEWS ON FRIDAY, AND TWEETED, "TOTALLY CLEARS THE
PRESIDENT.
THANK YOU!" (AS TRUMP)
"YEP, TRUMP'S IN THE CLEAR!
BUT I'D HATE TO BE THAT INDIVIDUAL-1 GUY.
HE IS TOTALLY SCREWED."