(upbeat music)
- [Narrator] A lot happens in Riverdale, folks.
We're gonna have to cover what we can.
Brace yourself for some broad strokes,
because the writing on this show
is truly the most confusing game
of narrative hot potato currently available
on television, and I say that with love.
Let's begin.
Jughead Jones is a pretentious writer
that tells us via voiceover about the mysterious death
of teenager, Jason Blossom, twin brother of Cheryl Blossom
and the heir to the Blossom maple syrup fortune,
whose body is discovered by Kevin and Moose.
They're all classmates of Archie Andrews,
a beautiful idiot who lives nextdoor to Betty Cooper.
Veronica Lodge moves to town,
and he's briefly torn between the two girls
while also hooking up with his music teacher, Mrs. Grundy,
until Archie's dad catches them and she leaves town.
Then everything falls into place with Betty dating Jughead
and Archie dating Veronica.
Jughead reconnects with his deadbeat dad
and the leader of the South Side Serpents, FP Jones.
All four kids plus sometimes Kevin and Josie hang out
at Pop's Chock'lit Shoppe and drink milkshakes.
After some painful singing by Archie
and some weird trip to Cheryl's gothic mansion,
it's revealed that Cheryl's dad,
Cliff Blossom, murdered Jason to cover up
his maple syrup drug smuggling operation.
Cheryl tries to drown herself in the frozen river,
but Archie punches through the ice to save her,
injuring his guitar hand, thank God.
Cheryl burns down her own house
and Jughead is forced to move and change schools
while his dad remains in prison for helping Cliff Blossom.
At Pop's, a masked gunman shoots Archie's dad,
but he survives.
Veronica's evil dad, Hiram Lodge,
gets out of prison and returns to town.
That masked gunman goes full serial killer as the Black Hood
and murders sinners, including Archie's hot former teacher,
Mrs. Grundy, and everybody's friend, Midge.
Sometimes also calling Betty to creep her out.
Betty's estranged brother, Chick, shows up,
but turns out to be an imposter,
so she surrenders him to the Black Hood for murdering.
A party drug called Jingle Jangle spreads throughout town
through a mysterious supplier known as the Sugar Man,
who's revealed to be a South Side teacher
and is murdered by the Black Hood while in police custody.
Archie finds the time to join the mafia,
turned informant, and then just kind of walk away.
Listen, Riverdale sweeps a lot under the rug, all right?
At South Side High, Jughead joins the South Side Serpents,
but Hiram buys the school's land to build a gigantic prison,
and they all transfer to Riverdale High.
Betty joins the Serpents and Cheryl falls
in love with the South Side-er, Toni,
and is sent to a convent for gay conversion therapy
until Toni and Betty, or whoever isn't busy
with the serial killer and gang war, breaks her out.
All right, the gang war.
Archie organizes Riverdale's jocks into an army
and makes an insane viral video challenging the Black Hood
but his army is bought by Hiram.
Tensions run high between the jocks and South Side Serpents
until a rival gang, the Ghoulies,
attack the town until Archie fights them
and everybody's dad shows up with shotguns.
After a riot or two, a drag race,
the live burial of Archie and some other nonsense,
the Black Hood is revealed to be Betty's dad, Hal.
Veronica buys Pop's, Veronica's mom becomes mayor,
and Archie is framed for murder.
Archie goes to jail and is forced
into an underground fight club.
The rest of the gang gets hooked
on a dangerous, satanical tabletop fantasy game
called Griffins and Gargoyles, definitely not D and D,
which is binged by the Gargoyle King to take over the town.
A flashback shows that everybody's parents
also played and G, and played the theme
from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3
in a band together, yes, really.
But someone died and they all had to bury the secret.
Veronica opens a speakeasy underneath Pop's.
Archie breaks out of jail and goes on the run with Jughead.
Kids all over town start having intense
and contagious fainting episodes.
Betty has one and her mom sends her to a convent
to get better, but the place is secretly a testing ground
for the Gargoyle King's new drug, Fizzle Rocks.
Archie's dad drops him off at the border,
Betty escapes and frees everyone from the weird nun prison
and they head back to Riverdale,
where Hiram gets his mayor wife
to declare the fainting episodes
a full on outbreak and the town is quarantined,
with Jughead and his dad stranded outside.
Hiram is vaguely revealed to be the Gargoyle King,
but I won't believe it until I see him
literally step out of the costume,
and that's the story of Riverdale so far.
Did you get any of that?
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Bye-bye.