-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Here we are.
Let's get to the news and jokes, everybody.
Well guys, I saw that former presidents
Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton
want to encourage Americans to get the COVID vaccine
by getting theirs on camera.
President Trump wanted to be included, but Obama said,
"Uh, sorry, pal, but it's two-termers only."
[ Laughter ] -Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh!
[ Applause ]
-Meanwhile, 96-year-Old Jimmy Carter is like,
"Uh, hello? Anybody want to give me a vaccine?
[ Laughter ] You guys go ahead.
I'll wait in line at CVS."
[ Laughter ]
It would be great if they got the vaccine together.
After Bush and Clinton, Obama's going to roll up his sleeve
like, "Welcome to the gun show.
Ah, right, boys?"
I love this idea. It's just like when Hoover,
F.D.R., and Truman all got prostate exams over the radio.
[ Laughter ]
Here's some news about the fight against COVID.
Dr. Fauci said that he's not leaving his job,
and today he had his first official meeting
with Biden's team over Zoom.
Fauci said it was nice to kick off a meeting
without the president booing him.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, the president still won't concede the election.
And yesterday in Michigan -- did you see this?
Rudy Giuliani called a star witness...
[ Laughter ]
...in front of the committee to discuss voter fraud.
Let's see how that went, and let's meet this...
-If the -- -Guess how many, wait.
What about, what about, what about the turnout rate?
120%?
-We're not seeing the poll book off by 30,000 votes.
That's not the case. -What did you guys do,
take it and do something crazy to it?
I know what I saw, and I signed something
saying that if I'm wrong, I can go to prison.
Did you?
[ Laughter ] -Whew!
-Yo! -Oh, my --
-Yo!
-Once again, that was their star witness.
Where does Rudy keep finding these people?
Linkedin-sane?
[ Laughter ]
It was clear she forgot where she was when she was like,
[Slurring] "Waiter, another tequila sunrise.
Um... [ Laughter ]
Because I'm drinking. Did you have one?
Because I'm the one who had a drink.
Did you? [ Laughter ]
Because I'm the one who had one drink."
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah. -I mean, Rudy was so nervous,
he started squirting black ink like an octopus.
It just -- [ Laughter ]
It's not a good sign when Rudy Giuliani has to lean over
and go, "You're making a fool of yourself."
[ Laughter ]
I don't know that woman, but I can guarantee you
her Uber rating is below two stars.
You know what I'm saying? Do you agree?
[ Laughter ]
Rudy also talked at the event
and a lot of people are saying that they heard something
while he was speaking.
Now, I swear -- [ Laughter ]
We did not do anything to this clip, okay?
[ Laughter ] Just watch the clip
and listen closely, see if you hear anything.
-I will ask that he be disciplined for that.
[ Fart ] First of all, the answer
I gave you is they didn't bother to interview
a single witness. [ Fart ]
Just like you.
-Yo.
[ Laughter ]
-Can we go one week without something
leaking out of Rudy Giuliani?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yep, we've had liquids and now gas.
God help us when a solid comes out of him.
I mean... [ Laughter ]
He's like every gross guy on the subway rolled into one human.
[ Laughter ]
It's actually not what you think.
The chair was just wet from mucus and hair dye.
[ Laughter ]
[ Snorts and smacks lips ]
-Yeah.
-Some more political news.
I mean, I don't even know why we do more monologue.
That's all you really -- -That's it.
-That's it right there, yeah.
Some more political news this week.
Attorney General William Barr went against Trump and said
there was no widespread voter fraud,
and now Trump is not so happy with him.
Watch this.
-Uh...
Ask me that in a number of weeks from now.
[ Laughter ]
-Which means by Sunday Trump will be like,
"I think it's time to free 'Willy.'"
[ Laughter ]
Barr is so fired,
the only thing left for Trump to decide
is from which toilet to tweet it from.
[ Laughter ]
It's going to be awkward when Trump says, "You're fired,"
and Barr is like, "Dude, so are you!"
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is interesting. I saw that
President-elect Biden's leading candidate
for CIA director, David S. Cohen,
once appeared as an extra in an episode of "Game of Thrones."
Take a look at this.
Yeah, that's him. -What?
-Yeah, he might be in charge of the CIA.
Well, it turns out he's not the only government official
who's appeared in a big fantasy production
without people realizing it.
For example, Stephen Miller played Voldemort.
[ Laughter ]
And might not know this, but Jeff Sessions
played the goblin banker in "Harry Potter."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Melania Trump was the stunt double
for David bowie in "Labyrinth."
I did not realize. These are things I did not know.
[ Applause ]
Oh listen to this, Haagen-Dazs just announced
that America's favorite ice cream flavor of 2020 is...
[ Drum roll ]
Vanilla.
[ Fog horn ]
[ Applause ]
Yep, the flavor of the year is vanilla,
and also Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year is "the."
[ Laughter ]
Finally, here in New York they had to close
the Verrazzano Bridge this week due to high winds.
This video is pretty crazy. Check this out.
[ Creaking ]
-Wow. Yeah.
The woman from Michigan was like,
[Slurring] "Is that what bridges do?
[ Laughter ]
Is that what bridges always do?
Is that what bridges do?
They go up and down? Is that what they do?
Because that one's doing it."
Driving over it, your GPS is like,
"I hope you have your affairs in order."
Oh, my goodness. Can you believe it's already happening?
This is very exciting. Guys, we have exactly
12 shows left before we go on Christmas break.
[ Applause ] Yeah, already.
Which mean it's time for that beloved
"Tonight Show" tradition.
It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."
♪♪ [ Applause ]
-♪ 12 days of Christmas sweaters ♪
♪ 12 days left ♪
-That's right, every show between now and Christmas,
we'll be giving one lucky audience member
an out-of-this-world Christmas sweater
from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.
There are only like five people in our audience,
so this is really... [ Cheers and applause ]
A very loud five people. This is great.
The odds are great that you'll be going home
with something special.
Now, since there are 12 shows left, let's open door number 12.
[ Drum roll ]
Ooh. Oh, yes.
Oh, it's so beautiful --
Look at this. Yeah, let's see it.
Oh!
Oh, wow. That's a lot of --
a lot of balls around there.
That's unbelievable. That is a fancy, fancy --
Ooh, the back! Look at the back.
[ Applause ] This is a one of a kind.
This is a one of a kind.
Now let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater.
Everyone look at your seat number,
and if I call your number, come on down.
Who wants this sweater, huh? Come on.
Quest, can I get a drum roll, please?
[ Drum roll ] [ Applause ]
Ah, da-da-da-da!
305!
[ Cheers and applause ] Come on down.
Oh, welcome. Thank you so much.
Please, right over there.
Oh, my goodness. Hi, how are you?
What is your name? -Jennifer.
-Jennifer, where are you from? -Brooklyn.
-Brooklyn! Come on! [ Cheers and applause ]
Jennifer, it's a little chilly out there right now.
Do you have anything like this? -No, nothing like this.
-No. Would you like to try it on?
-Yes, yes. -Please try it. Go for it.
-Got some music? -I can't help you.
Yeah, go for it. Yep. Yeah, here you go.
You can -- [ Applause ]
This is gonna be -- Trust me, it's gonna go --
Oh, I can already tell, this is going to be a winner.
Winner. Look at this.
Oh, I am loving this. [ Cheers and applause ]
Are you kidding me?
You are a supermodel. Look at this.
Are you kidding me?
You are -- thank you so much for playing
and coming to our audience tonight.
I'm so thankful you're here.
And congratulations once again to our winner.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you.
-Stick around. We'll be right back
with more "Tonight Show," everybody.
Come on.
♪♪