Drugs are dope, man.
I think we can all agree with that.
Drugs are tight, right?
( cheers, applause )
Some of the coolest things that have ever happened in the world
happened because of drugs,
because someone was high on drugs.
And I say all that, and I don't even do drugs.
I don't do any, I swear. I don't smoke weed.
Heroin gives me tummyaches. I don't do anything.
I have a very sensitive stomach to heroin.
I got the allergy you always read about.
I'm always at restaurants like,
"Hey, I hate to be that guy,
but is there any heroin in the Caesar salad?
I can't-- I can't take it.
I'll get the shakes. I'll steal my mom's TV.
I can't do it again."
Never did drugs, even as a kid.
I was, like, a square kid.
Sometimes I feel like the only kid who fell for the DARE campaign.
Y'all remember, they had the kids on TV.
Like, "Ew, gross, marijuana?
That stuff's illegal."
And then we were supposed to believe
that kid had sex ever again, you know what I mean?
Women don't have sex with snitches.
They don't. I'm not an expert on girls,
and I don't pretend to be, but I've never heard a girl
say this out loud, like, "Hey.
You know what turns me on?
A guy who calls the police for noise violations.
Mm, tuck in that t-shirt, daddy.
Play that clarinet.
Those DARE commercials used to be wild, right?
I remember one, this was the worst.
They had one with a talking dog.
Y'all remember that one?
The girl-- if you don't remember, this girl,
she gets super high on marijuana,
and her dog starts talking to her, right?
And her dog starts saying some pretty real shit.
Like her dog basically says,
"Look, ever since you started doing drugs,
our relationship has changed.
You're not the same person you used to be.
I just wish we could go back to what we had."
And I remember watching that commercial
and thinking to myself,
"Why is this dog talking like that?"
Right? Why is this dog talking
like the deep-voiced dude in Boyz 2 Men?
Right? The dog-- that's not a dog.
I had a dog. If my dog could talk,
she would just mostly be like, "Hey! Hey!
Who's at the door?
I love you! Who's at the door?
You cooking? Who's at the door?
All right, I'ma go eat your roommate's tampons.
I don't know why I do it, I just do it.
I'm not a sophisticated animal.
I certainly can't tell changes in your behavior.
Who is at the door?"
The worst-- this was the worst,
when they, uh-- they started targeting DARE commercials
specifically at black people.
Perhaps this predominantly-white audience also remembers that.
They did the same thing with all of our commercials.
Y'all know it, you know. They add hip-hop.
That's always our commercial.
It's the same commercial y'all get,
but then there's a motherfucker break dancing.
Like, "Crack? Hell nah, dawg.
Not no more."
And it's so condescending.
And it's-- I hate it, because here's why.
Because it presumes that all black people are the same,
that we're just this homogenous group
that's easily enticed by hip-hop, and we're not.
We're as diverse and complicated as any of you.
Look, one of my favorite things to do in the world,
absolute favorite things to do in the world,
I like to get myself a medium cup
of frozen yogurt, right?
Medium cu-- I'm not greedy.
A medium cup of frozen yogurt,
and I like to sit at home,
and I watch YouTube videos of people getting engaged.
- ( cheers, applause ) - Thank you.
That's my shit.
I do it for hours.
Hours of just eating yogurt and having a nice cry
and enjoying love happening.
Afterwards, I'll look myself in the mirror,
and I'll be like, "Yo, son,
you a real-ass nigga."
And that's--
that's not in those commercials.
"Wipe your tears, dawg. We good.
We got a big day ahead of us."
There used to be this one DARE commercial,
right, with this little black girl, and she's reading.
This is, like, a "black" DARE commercial
meant to keep us away from drugs.
She's in the streets of New York
and she's reading this hardcore spoken word poem, right?
It's meant to scare us away, and she's walking around New York like,
"This is Trey!
This his crew.
Here he is, what he do.
Only listens, never plays.
Never think, never says
what he wants or what he needs.
Just sit right there and smoke that weed.
I wonder if he'll ever leave.
Word."
As if a bunch of niggas is gonna be sitting back like,
( inhales ) "Hey, you know what?
This little rhyming bitch is right.
Maybe we should go to college.
Feels like a hundred years of systemic racism
have been lifted off my shoulders.
Thank you, little rhyming bitch.
Thank you."
It's so fucked up, man. You know why?
Because if you really listen to that poem,
Trey's not bothering anybody.
He's harmless. He's not hurting.
He's sitting and chilling on his own property,
smoking what is now a recreational drug.
He ain't-- he's a little lazy,
but he ain't hurting nobody.
Right? But that's how they do us, man.
They make us monsters when we ain't really monsters.
And that's the-- you want to scare me away from drugs,
show me someone committing a real crime,
some shit that really fucks up the world, right?
Like, "This is Chaz!
Chaz insider trades,
stealing homes from poor people
on the New York Stock Exchange."
( cheers, applause )
"Also, Chaz is high as fuck right now.
He does a lot of cocaine in the bathroom at work.
We would fire him, but you know, his dad. You get it.
Word."