THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.
THANKS FOR COMING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, I
HOSTED THE OSCARS LAST NIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'LL ADMIT I WAS FISHING.
WHAT A WEIRD THING THOUGH.
HAVE ANY OF YOU EVER HOSTED THE
OSCARS BEFORE?
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT.
EXCEPT FOR THE END, IT WAS A LOT
OF FUN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WENT VERY WELL.
WE WERE CHUGGING ALONG.
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN OUT OF
NOWHERE, IT TURNED INTO ONE OF
THOSE MAURY POVICH PATERNITY
TEST SHOWS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS THE WEIRDEST TV FINALE
SINCE "LOST."
AS I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD, "LA LA
LAND" WAS SIMULTANEOUSLY SOMEHOW
THE BIGGEST WINNER AND LOSER
LAST NIGHT.
YOU KNOW IT'S A STRANGE NIGHT
WHEN THE WORD "ENVELOPE" IS
TRENDING ON TWITTER.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, WARN
BEATTY AND FAYE DUNAWAY, THE
50th ANNIVERSARY OF "BONNIE AND
CLYDE," THE ACADEMY ASKED THEM
TO PRESENT BEST PICTURE, BIGGEST
AWARD OF THE NIGHT, THE LAST ONE
THEY GIVE OUT.
SO WARREN AND FAYE COME OUT WITH
THE ENVELOPE.
AND, WELL, HERE'S WHERE THE
STORY STARTS.
>> AND THE ACADEMY AWARD -- FOR
BEST PICTURE --
>> YOU'RE AWFUL.
COME ON.
>> "LA LA LAND."
>> Jimmy: IN RETROSPECT WHAT WE
KNOW IS WARREN WAS CONFUSED SO
HE HANDED IT TO FAYE AND LET HER
READ IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN OTHER WORDS, CLYDE THREW
BONNIE UNDER THE BUS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SLICK MOVE.
VERY SLICK MOVE.
SO FAYE DUNAWAY ANNOUNCES "LA LA
LAND" AS BEST PICTURE, IT WAS
THE FAVORITE TO WIN, "LA LA
LAND" PRODUCERS GOT ON STAGE,
WHICH MADE SENSE.
A FEW OF THEM GAVE SPEECHES.
AND I'M NOW SITTING IN THE
AUDIENCE WATCHING THESE
SPEECHES.
THE PLAN IS FOR ME TO END THE
SHOW FROM THE AUDIENCE IN A SEAT
NEXT TO MATT DAMON, WHO I WANT
YOU TO MAKE NO MISTAKE, WHATEVER
CONFUSION ABOUT WHO WON, MATT
DAMON LOST.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HE IS A LOSER.
BUT WE'RE SITTING THERE.
AND WE NOTICE SOME COMMOTION
GOING ON.
AND MATT SAYS, I THINK I HEARD
THE STAGE MANAGER SAY THEY GOT
THE WINNER WRONG.
THE STAGE MANAGER'S ON THE
STAGE -- THE STAGE MANAGER'S
NEVER ON CAMERA, IT'S VERY
UNUSUAL.
WE'RE SITTING THERE.
YOU FIGURE, WELL, YOU KNOW.
THE HOST WILL GO ON STAGE AND
CLEAR THIS UP.
THEN I REMEMBER, OH, I'M THE
HOST.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SO I GO, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I JUST WALK UP THE STAIRS.
AND AS SOON AS I GET UP THERE,
THIS HAPPENS.
>> GUYS, GUYS, I'M SORRY, NO.
THERE'S A MISTAKE.
"MOONLIGHT," YOU GUYS WON BEST
PICTURE.
"MOONLIGHT" WON.
THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
THIS IS NOT A JOKE, I'M AFRAID
THEY READ THE WRONG THING.
THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
"MOONLIGHT" HAS WON BEST
PICTURE.
"MOONLIGHT," BEST PICTURE.
>> Jimmy: KIND OF SCARY IN A
WAY.
THAT WAS THE PRODUCER OF "LA LA
LAND" WHO THOUGHT HE WON,
STANDING THERE HOLDING AN OSCAR
THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE AWAY FROM
HIM.
MY FIRST INSTINCT WAS TO TELL
HIM TO RUN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TAKE THE OSCAR AND GET OUT.
BUT HE DIDN'T.
NOW THERE'S MASS CONFUSION.
THE AUDIENCE IS CONFUSED.
THE PEOPLE STANDING AROUND ME
ARE CONFUSED.
I ASSUME EVERYONE AT HOME IS
CONFUSED.
AND I'M PROBABLY SUPPOSED TO DO
SOMETHING.
BECAUSE NO ONE'S DOING ANYTHING.
AND THEN WARREN BEATTY STEPS UP
TO EXPLAIN.
>> HELLO.
I WANT --
>> WARREN, WHAT DID YOU DO?
>> I WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT
HAPPENED.
I OPENED THE ENVELOPE.
AND IT SAID, "EMMA STONE, LA LA
LAND."
THAT'S WHY I TOOK SUCH A LONG
LOOK AT FAYE.
AND AT YOU.
I WASN'T TRYING TO BE FUNNY.
>> Jimmy: WELL, YOU WERE FUNNY.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK
YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Jimmy: WOW.
>> THIS IS "MOONLIGHT," THE BEST
PICTURE.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, WELL, THERE YOU
GO.
"MOONLIGHT" WAS THE BEST
PICTURE.
NOW SO WE HAVE THE PRODUCERS OF
TWO MOVIES ON STAGE.
WHO THE HELL EVEN KNOWS WHO IS
WHO FROM WHICH MOVIE?
I'M STANDING THERE LIKE AN
IDIOT, FEELING BAD FOR THESE
GUYS, ALSO TRYING REALLY HARD
NOT TO LAUGH TO BE HONEST.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I SEE, NOW I SEE DENZEL
WASHINGTON IN THE FRONT ROW
TRYING TO GET MY ATTENTION.
HE'S GESTURING, HE'S POINTING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S POINTING.
HE YELLS "BARRY!"
WHAT?
BARRY!
IGURE OUT BURIY BERRY JENKINS,
DIRECTOR OF "MOONLIGHT," IS
STANDING BEHIND ME, DENZEL WANTS
HIM AT THE MICROPHONE TO MAKE A
SPEECH, WHICH MAKES SENSE.
THANK GOD DENZEL WAS THERE TO
MAKE SENSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M LISTENING TO DENZEL, AS I
SHOULD.
I GOT BARRY, HE SPOKE, NOT FOR
VERY LONG.
ANOTHER QUICK SPEECH.
THEN EVERYONE JUST STOOD THERE
AGAIN, SHELL SHOCKED.
AND I ENDED THE SHOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AS I WALKED OFFSTAGE PEOPLE
STARTED SPECULATING SAYING, OH,
DID YOU PULL A PRANK?
I WAS LIKE, HEY, NO, I DIDN'T!
I DID NOT PULL A PRANK!
IF I'D PULLED A PRANK, I
WOULDN'T HAVE JUST HAD THE WRONG
WINNER'S NAME ON THE ENVELOPE,
THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN A BED,
BATH AND BEYOND COUPON IN THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS NOT A PRANK.
THE PRODUCERS OF "LA LA LAND"
WERE VERY GRACIOUS, WHICH THEY
DID NOT HAVE TO BE, ONSTAGE AND
OFF, THEY WERE VERY NICE.
THEY HANDLED IT WELL.
IT WAS A VERY AMICABLE CUSTODY
ARRANGEMENT.
THEY DIDN'T ASK FOR VISITATION
OR ANYTHING.
SO AFTER THE SHOW, I WENT BACK
IN THE GREEN ROOM TO TALK TO
WARREN BEATTY.
STILL NOBODY KNOWS WHAT
HAPPENED.
AND HE SHOWED ME THE EVIDENCE.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU DO A SHOW,
YOU AREN'T JUST THE HOST, YOU'RE
THE LEAD DETECTIVE.
YOU'RE LIKE THE SHERIFF OF THE
SHOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WARREN BEATTY COULD BE IN PRISON
IF I WANTED HIM.
THE CARD HE HAD SAID "LA LA
LAND."
WHICH IS WEIRD.
BECAUSE EMMA STONE, WHO WON BEST
ACTRESS FOR "LA LA LAND," WAS IN
THE PRESS ROOM DOING INTERVIEWS
SAYING THIS --
>> I WAS HOLDING MY BEST ACTRESS
IN A LEADING ROLE CARD THAT
ENTIRE TIME.
SO WHATEVER STORY -- I DON'T
MEAN TO START STUFF.
WHATEVER STORY THAT WAS, I HAD
THAT CARD.
>> SO SHE SAID SHE HAD THE CARD.
BUT I WAS WITH WARREN AND HE HAD
THE CARD.
TURNS OUT THEY BOTH HAD THE
CARD.
FOR WHATEVER REASON.
THEY HAVE TWO OF EACH CARD IN
EACH ENVELOPE.
THERE'S A REGULAR ENVELOPE AND A
BACKUP.
JUST TO MAKE IT MORE CONFUSING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO THE ACCOUNTANTS GAVE WARREN
THE WRONG CARD.
AND THEY APOLOGIZED FOR IT
TODAY.
SO IT WASN'T WARREN BEATTY'S
FAULT.
FAYE DUNAWAY MATE QUITE A
GETAWAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE GOT THE HELL OUT OF THERE,
READ THE WRONG NAME AND SPLIT,
SHOULDN'T NOD PART OF IT.
SHE WAS SMART TOO.
I SPENT THE WHOLE REST OF THE