- I'm not buying you anything right now.
Just put it on your Christmas list.
Yeah, I know the soles are coming off your shoes,
but maybe ask Santa for new ones.
Just put it on your Christmas list.
Toilet paper? That goes on your Christmas list.
Oh yeah, kids. I'm glad you liked your present.
Psst, what did we get them again?
How much did that cost?
What?
Let's make cookies!
No, not like that.
You're making a huge mess!
Just stop. You're doing it wrong.
Gingerbread men are not meant to murder each other.
Fine. I'll do it myself.
Babe, this is from me to you.
Even though you told me what you wanted
and you ended up buying it yourself and you wrapped it.
You're welcome.
I don't care what you say.
You're wearing this suit.
We don't have a single good picture of you all year.
'Cause you're always making silly faces.
I can't believe you want to pay someone
to put up Christmas lights.
Look, I'm gonna open the window.
And then I'm gonna throw the lights out
and I'm just gonna dangle off the side.
(siren wailing)
You know what?
I'm gonna get everything done early this year.
I'm gonna take it all in and really enjoy the season.
Ahhhh.
(crying) I'll just do it myself.
(sighs)
Seven hours of commercial-free football starts now.
Let's decorate the tree!
Remember when we got this ornament.
Look at you, you were such a teeny tiny baby.
Remember when we got this on that vacation?
I mean, you were puking the whole time,
but wasn't that fun?
All right, football's done.
Let's watch some "Die Hard."
"Die Hard" is a Christmas movie.
There's a Christmas party.
And he says Merry Christmas,
right before he blows the guy's head off.
Now I have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho.
Where did everybody go?
I'm the only one that's going to decorate this tree?
Fine. I'll do it myself.
What do you mean you think this tree is too big?
I think it's too small.
Look at all that space up top.
Come on, so much!
Guys, I just need one picture
with you all looking at the camera.
Stop hitting each other.
Act like you love each other! Act happy!
The Jones's children, they look at the camera.
Ladder? Ha, I don't need a ladder.
I'm just gonna get right up on this swivel chair
and put the last ornament right here.
(siren wailing)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You cannot eat candy and cookies for breakfast.
Your tummies are going to be so upset.
You've got to eat healthy in this house. Paleo!
Oh hey.
(grunting)
Who folded these lights last year?
Oh, it was me?
Well, I'm sure there's a system.
I'll just be out here all day
because I'm such an amazing father.
We are wearing these matching Christmas jammies.
I don't care how old you are, it's tradition.
We're gonna deep fry our turkey this year.
It's so much easier.
We're just gonna drop it in this boiling oil.
(siren wailing)
Scene! - Scene!
Boy, you were shockingly good at making fun of your parents.
Do we really act like that? - Um,
I mean . . .
Merry Christmas and a very happy new year.
Because everyone wants
the new year. - How do you think Sunny
would look with the bald wig on?
- Let's see. - Sunny,
you wanna put the wig on? - Oh no.
Oh, no, oh, no.
I mean you were poop.
(stumbles over words) - Try it again.
Okay, go for it.
- [Penn] I know, the hair in the mouth is the worst.
- Sorry, hair in my mouth. - I gotcha.
- You're welcome.
(laughing)
- [Penn] Your mustache is falling off again.
- That's good.
Who folded these (stumbles over words).