Reddit Relationship Advice Caught my wife, cheating with her boss.
Hey guys.
This will be quite a big post.
I feel like I need an outlet on everything that has happened and hope to find some positives from it.
Background, my wife and I have been married for four years and together for a total of 10 years, we both met through our professions and fell in love.
From both accounts.
We've had an incredible time together with very few arguments.
I would say less than five to six in that whole time, my wife and I are both super active and took a huge interest in this together, which built our relationship to being really strong.
Three years ago, our daughter was born and we bought our first place.
Things couldn't have looked any better.
My wife took a year off work and spoke to me about loving being a mother and considering having a second, which was a total, no go before, she only wanted one.
My wife and I decided she would go back to work part-time to spend more time at home with my daughter.
She was happy with this.
My wife continued to go to work part-time, but she was unsettled at her workplace and believe she had so much more to offer than the position she was in, around a year ago.
My wife applied for a very senior role at a new company.
I encouraged her to look outside and go for it.
My wife is very intelligent, but, didn't have the full credentials for this job she was applying for on paper.
I told her if she can get an interview, that's all she will need to shine.
She ended up getting an interview, and subsequently won the job.
Her package basically doubled what she was on.
However, she would now be working five days a week instead of four days, one week and three days.
The following week, part-time hours as a condition of that five day a week job, one of those days must incorporate Saturdays.
My wife and I went from being off three to four days a week together to one day a week.
I work 10 hour days, four days a week.
We both discussed this at the time, and thought we could get through it as it involved, a substantial increase in salary.
And I would stay where I was to look after our daughter more.
During the first three months of her new job, a member of the team decided to leave leaving her in charge of basically two roles.
Her job became super busy and she was constantly working back an hour or so a night.
And we're shifting through work emails.
When she got home, I supported her where I could, but I could tell she was busy, during this time.
I was having a really emotionally draining time at my work.
And I came home a few times to try to vent to her about it.
I could tell she had other things on her mind and she would basically just shrug me off.
I felt deeply hurt with this.
And I would effectively just Stonewall any further conversations regarding my feelings and thought I would just keep them to myself.
(Worst possible thing you can do.)
My wife approached me in February and said that she is frustrated that I wasn't helping around the house as much as she is working a lot.
She had a fair point, and I understood her.
I asked her if she still loved me during that conversation.
And she said, yes, of course.
I thought this was just a conversation you have when you are a bit angry at work and push it off onto your husband.
I began helping with cooking for a few weeks, but, fell back into not helping as much.
I still looked after my daughter cleaned the house, etc.
She's always said I am an excellent father, but, I just got Slack again and stopped cooking.
I ended up buying myself a new computer and getting into video games at night because I felt like that was an escape from reality.
For me, my wife used to ask me to come to bed and I would say, I don't feel like it.
And I want to stay up.
This lasted for a few months before it stopped.
Knowing now, that was a huge sign of disconnect.
In early September, I noticed my wife was super distant.
I would talk about future plans or trips.
And she would say, don't book it as she doesn't feel like going.
I thought that was a bit strange, but, didn't think too much into it.
Sex leading up to the week before D-Day was drying up and she would always make an excuse not to have it.
I remember a few days before D-Day we had sex, and it felt so uncomfortable.
Like she didn't want to be there.
I knew something was up.
A few days later, we were in the kitchen and I could definitely see something was wrong.
I asked her if she was okay and she just said, yes, fine.
I kept probing.
And she looked at me and said, I'm not happy anymore.
I don't love you.
It was at that stage that my whole world I had built with her just shattered.
I cried uncontrollably, and we went for a drive.
I was in a state of total shock.
How can it feel so good?
And then a week before, D-Day, it doesn't feel right.
And she says this, I just didn't understand my wife and I spoke in the car away from our daughter for a few hours and she was quite cold about it.
She said that she feels like we have grown apart.
We are distant and it feels like we are roommates.
She stated that she doesn't think I'm emotionally intelligent enough.
She blamed my playing of the computer to be the main reason.
I tried to understand her point of view on everything she said, and I definitely could see that it could feel the way it does.
I pleaded for her to see a therapist and she agreed, reluctantly.
She stated she wanted to make it work for our daughter.
I was happy with this.
As at least it's something. I sat back and had a huge self-reflection on myself and thought this isn't the person who I am.
And it's definitely not the person I want to be, having heard my wife say she doesn't love me anymore.
Was the most painful experience of my life.
I cherished my wife and my daughter more than anything on this planet. For the next six weeks.
I began my growth as a man and really stepped up.
I was cooking nearly every day, keeping the house spotless, completely stopped all social media.
As I knew, this was just pointless scrolling through other people's lives and began reading a book a day.
Everything you can imagine on mindfulness, gratitude, love, marriage and everything in between.
I began to really see how a marriage needs work all the time, and being present in the moment is something I wasn't doing for four to five months.
I understood how you can become comfortable and complacent in your marriage and forget about date nights and time together is so important.
I began to actively listen to my wife, and I was beginning to read her better than I have ever before.
I was falling further in love with her during this process, even though she wasn't giving me much back, I noticed it was strange that she wouldn't give me any appreciation for anything.
I do the majority of the time.
I wasn't expecting it, but I thought it was weird.
She wasn't giving anything.
It felt like I was going around in circles and I tried even harder to get any recognition I could.
She would constantly tell me, it feels like I'm smothering her with everything I'm doing.
I turned it back a few notches, but notice you would get distant even more.
So I started doing more things again, to help.
I wrote her a love letter and left it on the kitchen counter.
So she saw it when I was at work.
It was really nice with some touching information about how we met, etc.
And, it was something I don't usually do, but I really wanted to, I received a text from her a few hours later that read, I received your letter.
Thank you, ex I couldn't believe how cold and callous that was.
It was like a reply you give to a work colleague, not your husband and best friend of nine and a half years.
My wife and I began seeing a counselor both together, and individually, my counselor of 30 years was shocked with the progress I was making in such a short period of time and really saw how much I was growing as a man.
My wife also saw it, but, didn't really note it during the six week period, I noticed my wife was becoming obsessive with her phone.
It would be face down wherever she goes and she would take it with her anywhere in the house.
I began to get really suspicious.
As I knew this wasn't her at all, one day I observed a message from her boss, come through on WhatsApp while she was showing me a video on the phone, my wife must have messaged him and said, I'll give you a call later.
And he replied with a thumbs up emoji.
She flicked the message away really quick, which I thought was odd.
About 15 minutes later, I was standing near her and observed her WhatsApp, recent contact conversations.
And didn't see her boss's name on there.
She must have deleted it.
I began adding things up more and more.
I would notice my wife and I really connecting for a few days while we were at home.
And then she would go for a run with her boss after work.
And she would come back being really distant and cold.
She played it down to good days and bad days, but I knew something was off. One day.
She was going to have a shower, and I saw her plug her phone on charge and turn her phone off while she was in the shower.
Once she got out of the shower, she picked up her phone and said, Oh, my phone must have automatically turned off.
I knew she was lying.
I confronted her in the kitchen of our house about this.
And she went completely white.
Like she saw a ghost.
She sat stunned for a few seconds and said, I turned it off as, I didn't want you to see the messages to my best friend about us, this best friend.
I knew that she was close to.
I don't know why, but my gut was telling me her facial expressions didn't add up to the crime, but I asked her flat out if she's having an affair and
she completely denied it, two days before, D-Day my wife invited me to a black tie work dinner, which included some really high profile people.
She told me she wanted me to see her work and to see what it's all about.
I have been asking for an invite to one of these events for a long time, and finally got one.
I was excited.
My wife told me that we shouldn't be physical at the event as it's a black tie and was inappropriate.
I chalk this up as not wanting to look unprofessional.
And as we were having problems, I understood her predicament. A day before.
D-Day, my wife and I attended the black tie dinner.
I was seated on a table with most of her collogues who she introduced to me.
I noticed her boss was seated on another table and I found it strange that she didn't introduce me as they go for runs together once a week.
And she talks about him infrequently at home.
While the presentations were on.
I noticed my wife was constantly looking over her shoulder, trying to make eye contact with her boss.
It was persistent and reminded me of what I did when I first met my wife.
It's that first part of the love process, which you are infatuated with each other.
I looked at her boss out the corner of my eye and noticed him doing the same thing.
When he made eye contact with her, he made eye contact with me and looked away really fast.
My wife would then look at me, and ask if my dinner was okay.
I knew this was a sign of guilt, and something was going on.
I continued with the night, not wanting to spoil it in front of her colleagues at the conclusion of the dinner, on the way home.
I put it on my wife, that something wasn't right with her boss.
She didn't deny anything emphatically straight away, which made me even more.
Sure.
She just said I'm seeing things.
I went home and explained.
I think she's having an emotional affair or more with her boss.
She said that she enjoyed his company and that she likes and cares for him, but trying to play dumb and say, what's an emotional affair.
I knew my wife was intelligent and she knew what that was.
We finished the night talking. D-Day next day, she went to work when she was about to finish work.
She messaged me saying, she's going to go have a few drinks after work with her work colleagues.
She had began doing this a lot in the last six months, which is totally out of character.
My daughter was constantly saying, mommy not coming home or mummy at work.
She was noticing it and she wasn't even three yet.
Anyway, my wife said she was going to have a drink or two and then come home quickly.
I said, sure, go ahead.
My wife ended up coming home four hours later and told me she had a good time before hitting the showers.
I asked her who she was out with, and she told me about three to four colleagues and her boss.
I thought that was so strange.
She would go out with him in a group setting after I just told her what I suspected, while she was in the shower.
I checked her phone.
I noticed that there was no conversation with her boss.
However, she had a message.
She had written to her boss that she hadn't sent yet.
Which red?
I love you too.
I just know you're not in a great spot.
My whole world just collapsed.
My wife was telling her boss, she loved him.
I just couldn't believe it.
The last six weeks, since she told me she doesn't love me, I was doing so much stuff.
Right.
And she was just luring me on, knowing she is falling in love with someone else.
I always thought everything I was doing was falling on deaf ears, which was so surprising.
As she said, if I made these changes in February, when had the discussion that she would be more in love with me now, I confronted her about it, and she was just expressionless.
The first thing she could say was, why are you going through my phone?
I was so stunned.
I just didn't know how to comprehend my feelings.
I was pacing up and down the house and firing questions at her left, right and center.
My wife told me it was an emotional connection only, and was happening for around three months.
My wife knew if the relationship came out, she would lose her job at work as it's a massive conflict of interest, but she continued.
Anyway.
I told her to get out that night and she left for her friends.
I was still trying to process everything.
How could she do this to me?
How can you do this to anyone?
We've had nine beautiful years without any troubles.
And you do this.
I'm at home.
Minding your daughter while you progress your career.
And you just shit on me.
I was struggling big time.
My emotions were running high, but I knew I still loved her so much.
I knew the person she became in the last three to four months was not the person who she was.
My wife has never been a liar, deceitful or liked going out, drinking after work.
Her boss had taken advantage of her vulnerabilities and told her what she wanted to hear while she wasn't getting that emotion met at home. For the
next few days, I was devastated and hurt, but I knew I wanted it to work not only for my daughter, but for everything we had built together over 10 years.
I also knew the person.
She turned her into.
Wasn't the person, she was, I took my wedding band off and she noticed, I told her, I took it off as you hurt me.
And it didn't feel like the ring meant anything right now, my wife was still wearing her rings, and through guilt took hers off the next day and put them in her bedside drawer.
We talked a lot and she told me that she hated herself for doing what she did and felt disgusted.
She could tell someone she's only had an emotional connection with that.
She loved them.
I told her everything he was telling you is infatuation and not love.
He was telling you what you wanted to hear when you were missing it at home.
She kept asking me if I understood how it got to this point, and I would get really angry at it.
I told her I understood how it can be a perfect storm of a number of things, but, I'll never justify what you did.
My wife and I didn't get much sleep in the next few days.
I was at home looking after our daughter and she was sleeping on a friend's couch. 4 days after D-Day and my wife came home and we had a long conversation.
She was totally exhausted and looked like death.
I told her to sleep in our bed tonight, and I would sleep on the couch so she can get some sleep.
She agreed, before she went to bed, my wife continued with the apologies and said she needs to know in herself why she did what she did.
I told her that people make mistakes.
Although, I can't ever justify what you have done.
And my trust with you has been torn to shreds.
People do make mistakes.
We are not perfect.
My wife said she had stopped all text and phone conversation with her boss, and is only seeing him at work on a professional level when she is too with other colleagues.
So maybe twice a week for 10 to 15 minutes.
My wife said she is still confused with her feelings and has felt overwhelmed the last seven weeks.
I told her that's because she has been emotionally connecting with her boss outside the marriage, and then coming home and seeing her husband make huge improvements, but, not giving him any credit for it.
I told her, I can imagine how mentally draining that is.
My wife explained to me that she was happy with our life before she had this affair.
But, wondered if she was truly happy.
She told me for one, she put herself first and that's part of the reason she did this.
I told her that she has always put others before herself, since I've known her.
And that she does this because that's what makes her happy.
I said, as soon as you put yourself first in front of everything else, look what has happened.
You've lost all your core beliefs and morals and had an affair with someone.
I told her that she is doing exactly what her mother did to her father four years earlier.
During that time.
She told me she couldn't believe what her mother did and that she never wants to be her mom.
And, here we are. A few days later, my wife came around before I got home and took our daughter out for dinner.
I got home and I noticed her rings were not in the draw where they had been sitting for a few days.
And I thought she must have them on.
She got home a bit later and I noticed her rings were on, when she wasn't around my daughter.
I told her it was nice.
She has her rings back on and she looked at me and smiled, and said, you don't have yours on.
I took this as a good sign that the few days away was affecting her.
And she was starting to realize what she had done.
I went out to play some squash and came back a few hours later.
I hugged her and then looked her in the eyes and said, I love you, before I could say anything else.
She said, I love you too.
For the first time I felt it was genuine.
Whenever I said this in the past, she wouldn't reply.
Or she would say, you know, I care for you.
This signified a positive step forward.
We sat down and I just listened to her.
She told me, she looked at a few places to stay for a bit longer to clear her head, but, was upset at how crappy they were.
And that home was comfortable.
My wife indicated she needed space for three to four weeks to evaluate everything that she has done without having everyone in her ear.
My wife has always been a person that likes her own space to think, and I could clearly see she was getting bombarded from our close family, myself and her friends.
My wife said she needed time to see why her feelings for her boss were strong.
And if it was infatuation or was it something more.
I agreed that time apart would be good, even though I still love her so much.
I wanted her to have a clear mind before we move forward with the marriage.
I want her to realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, and that what she had at home a family means more to her than an emotional affair with her boss.
Although we had some times at the beginning of the year, that was difficult in our marriage.
I have grown as a man, and understand the role I played and learned how much communication is key to everything.
Especially talking on a deeper level.
I also understand that being present in the moment and grateful for what you have is hugely important.
Becoming complacent in your marriage or life is a killer.
And I realized that I never want to do that again.
The next day, my wife organized an apartment to stay in for four weeks.
We both agreed.
We would talk to each other throughout and our daughter would stay with her on a few occasions.
My wife would come over a few nights a week for dinner and we would take our daughter out for family time together as well.
I wanted to keep normality with my daughter as much as I can.
And she did too.
Although I am devastated that my wife will be away for four weeks and I don't know what the future is going to hold.
I know it's a process that must take its course, as we were constantly talking about it at home and it was becoming overwhelming for both of us.
I don't think we could have worked through this in a home environment without her evaluating the situation alone.
It feels so weird that I'm fighting for my wife after what she has put me through the last seven to eight weeks.
But, I cling to hope that the week or so during that time we were connecting a lot.
When the boss wasn't messaging her, I could see my old wife was back, and everything felt normal.
I guess I came to this sub to see if anyone had similar situations to me and what I can do to try and make it work.
At the end of the day, she will make the final decision, whether she believes the marriage for nine years.
And what we built is worth another crack.
I just feel ashamed that I don't feel angrier for what she has done, but I feel like I've grown so much to realize that it wasn't who she is.
Is there anything that I can do to help repair the situation or do I need to let it take its course?
This concludes this Reddit Relationship Advice Video.