>> Stephen: HOW DO I LOOK?
>> FINE.
>> Stephen: HOW'S THE HAIR?
>> IT'S CROOKED.
>> Stephen: IT'S CROOKED?
THERE YOU GO.
THAT'S BETTER.
WHO'S THE GUEST TONIGHT.
>> THANDIE NEWTON.
>> Stephen: I HAVE JUICE NEWTON,
SIR ISAAC NEWTONS.
I HAVE NEWTON, COMMA, FIG.
THERE YOU GO.
THANDIE NEWTON.
JIM, HOW IS IT LOOKING?
>> WE'RE STILL GETTING THE SATELLITE.
WE NEED 30 SECONDS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I'LL JUST TAKE A NAP THEN!
THIS SORT OF THING NEVER HAPPENED AT THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER.
I WISH I WAS THERE AGAIN.
>> IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT"."
TONIGHT, STEPHEN SLEEPING OR IS HE WEAK?
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES THANDIE NEWTON, AND INA GARTEN.
WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY JOHN MULANEY, FEATURING JON
BATTISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW LIFE FROM HIS OWN SUBCONSCIOUS, IT'S STEPHEN
COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH,
PLEASE, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, EVERYBODY, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND
THE WORLD.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: HOLD ON A SECOND.
THERE YOU GO.
FOLKS, AS YOU CAN SEE, I AM COMING TO ONCE AGAIN FROM THE
BEAUTIFUL ED SULLIVAN THEATER HERE IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN.
AND I CAN DO THAT BECAUSE TODAY MAY 1, THE FEDERAL STAY-AT-HOME
ORDER HAS BEEN LIFT LIFT AND SINCE WE'RE GOVERNED BY THE
FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION, I'M PRETTY SURE
THAT'S OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE.
OF COURSE, I'M PLAYING IT SAFE BY BEING A CARTOON, WHICH IS THE
ULTIMATE MASK.
GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN, JON.
( PIANO RIFF )
STEPHEN.
HOW DO I SOUND?
YOU.
>> Stephen: LOOK FANTASTIC.
YOU SOUND AMAZING.
I AM SO GLAD TO BE HERE, SINCE LOCKDOWN I HAVE BEEN DREAMING
ABOUT DOING THE SHOW FROM THE ED SULLIVAN.
WAIT A MINUTE.
MAYBE THIS IS JUST A DREAM.
HOLD ON, LET ME CHECK.
NOPE.
NOT WAKING UP.
THIS MUST BE REAL LIFE.
( PIANO RIFF )
I'M STAYING HUMAN.
THAT'S SOME SMOKIN' SQUID RIGHT THERE!
( PIANO RIFF )
SOMETHING SLIGHTLY MORE CARTOONISH, DONALD TRUMP.
TRUMP'S POLL NUMBERS ARE GOING DOWN THE TWEETING THRONE BECAUSE
HE SO FRAGRANTLY SHANKED THE RESPONSE TO THE CORONAVIRUS.
FOR EXAMPLE, HIS SERIES OF DISASTROUS PRESS CONFERENCES, IN
WHICH HE SUGGESTED, AMONG OTHER THINGS, THAT PEOPLE SOMEHOW PUT
BLEACH IN THEIR BODES.
OH, LET'S GIVE THAT A TRY, OKAY, THAT'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH.
LET'S FIX THAT.
THERE YOU GO.
SO, TO CONTINUE HIS PERFECT RECORD FOR NEVER TAKING
RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING, TRUMP HAS STARTED A PUBLIC
CAMPAIGN TO BLAME CHINA FOR THE PANDEMIC.
( AS TRUMP )
LONG-FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
I HAVE A FEELING IT'S FROM CHINA, WHICH MANY ARE CALLING
'THE KENYA OF ASIA.'" SPECIFICALLY, TRUMP HAS
PRESSURED THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY FOR EVIDENCE TO
SUPPORT AN UNSUBSTANTIATED THEORY THAT A GOVERNMENT
LABORATORY IN WUHAN WAS THE ORIGIN OF THE CORONAVIRUS
OUTBREAK.
I'VE SEEN THAT THEORY, TOO, FROM MY SOURCE ON THE INTERNET, WHO
ASSURES ME, "ERMAHGERD, CERERNERVEHRUS CAME FROM A
WUHERN LERB!" BUT YESTERDAY, THE DIRECTOR OF
NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING, "THE
INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY CONCURS WITH THE WIDE SCIENTIFIC
CONSENSUS THAT THE COVID-19 VIRUS WAS NOT MANMADE OR
GENETICALLY MODIFIED."
OH, "NOT GENETICALLY MODIFIED."
SO IT'S BETTER FOR YOU THAN CORN?
SCIENTIFIC CONSENSUS IS THAT COVID 19 "BEGAN AS A BAT VIRUS."
NO WORD YET ON HOW IT SPREAD TO HUMANS, BUT SCIENTISTS THINK THE
LIKELY CULPRIT WAS THIS MAN.
"I HAD SEX WITH A BAT.
UPSIDE DOWN.
IT WAS PRETTY HOT."
YESTERDAY, TRUMP SAID HE BELIEVED THE WUHAN LAB
CONSPIRACY THEORY, AND THEN REPORTERS PRESSED HIM ON WHY HE
BELIEVED THAT.
>> Stephen: MY QUESTION IS HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING AT THIS
POINT THAT GIVES YOU A HIGH DEGREE OF CONFIDENCE THAT THE
WUHAN INSTITUTE OF VIROLOGY WAS THE SOURCE?
>> YES, I HAVE.
YES, I HAVE.
>> Stephen: YES, HE HAS.
TRUMP LOOKED AT THE VIRUS UNDER A MICROSCOPE AND SAW IT WAS
CLEARLY MADE IN CHINA.
THE REPORTER PRESSED HIM FURTHER.
>> WHAT GIVES YOU A HIGH DEGREE OF CONFIDENCE THAT THIS
ORIGINATED FROM THE WUHAN INSTITUTE OF VIROLOGY?
>> I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT.
I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TELL YOU THAT.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I COULD TELL YOU, BUT THEN I'D
HAVE TO KILL YOU.
PROBABLY WITH THE VIRUS I'M NOT TAKING SERIOUSLY."
AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO"?
YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.
ANYTHING YOU SAY IS INSTANTLY DECLASSIFIED.
( AS TRUMP )
MY BOSS WOULD KILL ME.
AGAIN, WITH THE VIRUS I'M NOT TAKING SERIOUSLY."
TRUMP MADE THESE COMMENTS AT AN EVENT ABOUT PROTECTING SENIORS,
A GROUP HE'S NOT SURE HE BELONGS TO.
>> THIS AFTERNOON, I'LL SIGN A PROCLAMATION DECLARING THE MONTH
OF MAY TO BE "OLDER AMERICANS MONTH."
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M IN THAT CATEGORY.
I HAVE A FEELING I AM.
BUT I FEEL GOOD.
>> Stephen: THE I'M PRETTY SURE BEING CONFUSED ABOUT
WHETHER YOU BELONG IN THE "OLDER AMERICANS"
CATEGORY MEANS YOU BELONG IN THE "OLDER AMERICANS" CATEGORY.
TRUMP ALSO WEIGHED IN ON THE CHARACTER OF HIS OLD PAL GENERAL
MICHAEL FLYNN.
>> I THINK HE IS A FINE MAN.
I THINK HE HAS GOT A GREAT FAMILY.
HE LOVES HIS SON.
I WILL TELL YOU, HIS SON WAS AROUND A LOT, AND HE LOVES HIS
SON, AS PEOPLE GENERALLY DO.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "PEOPLE GENERALLY LOVE THEIR
SONS BUT, OF COURSE, THERE IS AN ERIC TO EVERY RULE."
TRUMP DESPERATELY MISSES HIS RALLIES.
SO ON SUNDAY, HE'S PLANNING WHAT HE HOPES IS THE NEXT BEST THING.
"A TWO-HOUR EVENT ON EMERGING FROM THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC
LIVE FROM THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL."
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING MORE APPROPRIATE THAN STANDING IN
FRONT OF LINCOLN MEMORY ALTHOUGH SAYING, STATES CAN DO WHATEVER
THEY WANT.
IT'S UP TO THEM.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING IT IN FRONT OF A MAN FROZEN IN STONE,
INDOORS, SITTING IN A CHAIR FOR ALL ETERNITY."
WE HAVEN'T HEARD A LOT FROM THE PRESUMPTIVE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE
AND NATIONAL TOOTH PRESERVE, JOE BIDEN.
HE HAS BEEN SILENT ABOUT THE SEXUAL ASSAULT CHARGES MADE BY
TARA READE.
HE TOLD WANT ASSOCIATED PRESS, WHEN SHE WORKED FORED BY NEN
1993, HE RUBBED HER SHOULDERS AND NECK AND PLAYED WITH HER
HAIR.
NOW, THAT WOULD BE WRONG EVEN IF HE WERE HER HAIRDRESSER, UNLESS
HE WORKED AT SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE CUT.
BUT IN A RECENT PODCAST, READE TOOK THE ALLEGATIONS FURTHER,
SAYING, HE DID SOMETHING REALLY BAD, SOMETHING I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO SAY ON CBS.
HOW DO I DO THIS?
A LITTLE HELP, PLEASE.
>> GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY.
>> Stephen: YES, WHAT HE SAID AND DID.
PARTS OF READE'S STORY HAVE BEEN CORROBORATED BY HER BROTHER, A
FORMER COWORKER, AND A FORMER NEIGHBOR WHO ALL SAID SHE TOLD
THEM ABOUT IT AT THE TIME.
AND A NEWLY RESURFACED VIDEO APEERS TO SHOW READE'S MOTHER
CALLING IN TO "LARRY KING LIVE" TO SEEK ADVICE.
YOU KNOW IT'S A ROUGH ERA FOR WOMEN WHEN THEIR BEST OPTION WAS
TO CALL LARRY KING.
IT WAS EITHER, THAT THE BUTTERBALL HOT LINE OR BEING
CALL NUMBER 10 ON WYYY IN THE MORNING WITH WALLY AND THE
SNOOCH.
WHAT'S THE PHRASE THAT MAKES ABUSERS PAY.
THAT'S A QUICK TRIK ONE ♪ I DON'T WANT TO WORK
I JUST WANT TO BANG ON THE DRUM ALL DAY
♪ TODAY THE FORMER VICE PRESIDENT FINALLY ADDRESSED THE
CHARGE AND MIKA MORNIN' DROVE STRAIGHT AT IT.
>> WOULD YOU GO ON THE RECORD WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?
DID YOU SEXUALLY ASSAULT TARA READE.
>> NO, IT'S NOT TRUE.
I'M SAYING UNEQUIVOCALLY TNEVER, NEVER HAPPENED, AND IT DIDN'T,
NEVER HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: THERE IT IS.
COMPLETE DENIAL.
AND FURTHERMORE HE DOESN'T REMEMBER HER COMPLAINING ABOUT
HIM.
>> I DON'T REMEMBER ANY TYPE OF COMPLAINT SHE MAY HAVE MADE.
IT WAS 27 YEARS AGO.
I DON'T REMEMBER, NOR DOES ANYONE ELSE THAT I'M AWARE OF.
THE FACT IS THAT-- THAT I DON'T REMEMBER.
I DON'T REMEMBER ANY COMPLAINT EVER BEEN MADE.
>> Stephen: SO HE DOESN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING, THOUGH
RESEARCH DOES SHOW THERE IS MEMORY LOSS ASSOCIATED WITH
DECADES OF HUFFING HAIR.
MIKA PUSHED BIDEN, ASKING IF HE COULD PROMISE HER HE NEVER HAD A
SEXUAL ASSAULT COMPLAINT.
AND HE DID NOT HESITATE TO EQUIVOCATE.
>> I AM ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE THAT NO ONE THAT I AM AWARE OF EVER
WAS BEEN MADE AWARE OF ANY COMPLAINT, A FORMAL COMPLAINT
MADE BY, OR COMPLAINT BY TARA READE AGAINST ME AT THE TIME
THIS ALLEGEDLY HAPPENED 27 YEARS AGO OR UNTIL THE-- I ANNOUNCED
FOR PRES-- WELL, I GUESS IT WAS IN APRIL OR MAY OF THIS
YEAR.
I KNOW OF NO ONE WHO IS AWARE THAT ANY COMPLAINT WAS MADE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A LOT OF QUALIFICATIONS.
( AS JOE BIDEN )
I AM AWARE OF ANYBODY BEING AWARE OF ANY PERSONS KNOWING
THAT ANYONE WAS AWARE OF A COMPLAINT TO MY AWARENESS,
LISTEN, JACK, I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU'RE AWARE,
AS LONG YOU'RE NOT A WEREWOLF.
WHAT'S THE QUESTION?
TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT THE BIDEN CASE YESTERDAY, AND HE WAS
UNHELPFULLY SYMPATHETIC.
>> YOU KNOW, IT COULD BE FALSE ACCUSATIONS.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT FALSE ACCUSATIONS.
I HAVE BEEN FALSELY CHARGED NUMEROUS TIMES.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "LOOK, I'LL MAKE JOE A DEAL.
I'LL SAY THAT HE WAS FALSELY ACCUSED THIS ONE TIME, AS LONG
AS HE AGREES THAT I WAS FALSELY ACCUSED 21 TIMES.
TELL YOU WHAT-- LET ME SWEETEN THE DEAL.
EVEN IF HE LOSES IN NOVEMBER.
I PROMISE TO MAKE HIM A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.
NOBODY TELL HIM WHAT BOOFING IS."
LIKE MANY OF THESE CASES, IT'S HARD TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
HAPPENED AFTER SO MANY YEARS.
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE COMPARED THIS TO ACCUSATIONS OF
CHRISTINE BLASEY FORD AGAINST BRETT KAVANAUGH.
AND THAT'S LEGITIMATE.
AND WHILE BOTH ACCUSATIONS SHOULD BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, THERE
IS AT LEAST ONE DIFFERENCE: A NOMINEE TO THE SUPREME COURT
GOES THROUGH A PROCESS OF INVESTIGATION BY THE F.B.I. THEN
CONFIRMATION BY THE SENATE.
THEN THE SENATORS JUDGE.
BUT FOR THE PRESIDENCY, THERE'S ONLY YOU, THE VOTERS.
YOU'RE THE JURY.
AND YOU ARE READY TO BE A JURY, BECAUSE YOU'RE ALREADY
SEQUESTERED.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
FROM HBOH,'S "WEST WORLD "THANDIE NEWTON IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, PROOF THAT THE PRESIDENT WATCH MY SHOW.
HI, IN PRESIDENT.