-Welcome to the show.
Now, I know y'all are still getting to know me.
But I would consider myself
a pretty confident person, you know?
I mean, I stand up for things I believe in.
I can perform in front of large audiences.
This one time, I even posted a picture on Instagram
without a filter. I mean,
at least that's what the caption said. Shh.
But there's one thing I'm not confident about.
And that's sex.
[ Laughter ]
Yep. You hear that?
The sound of every person on Tinder swiping left on me.
It's not my fault, okay?
Sex is just not something we really discuss openly
in Indian culture.
You know, it's also not something we discuss privately.
I mean, for Indian parents, teaching their kids about sex
is like a software update.
They know they're supposed to do it.
But they keep hitting "Remind me later."
And the longer they put it off,
the more likely their kid is going to get a virus.
[ Laughter ]
Now, when I say my parents told me nothing,
I mean, yo, they told me nothing!
They didn't even warn me that my period was coming.
Can you imagine?
So when it finally happened, I had no idea what to do.
I just treated it like a nosebleed and pinched the top.
[ Laughter ]
So I got my period and masturbated for the first time
on the same day.
It was a mess!
[ Laughter ]
It was tough being a teenager and not knowing how sex works.
Yo, when I was in school, I overheard a conversation
where someone said, and I quote, "And then he took it off."
So for the longest time, I thought, "Okay, alright.
So men can literally, like, remove their penises."
Was it -- What else could that mean?
Like, just pull it off before bed
and let it charge overnight like a cellphone.
But now I wish men were able to remove their penises.
Think about how much better things would be.
They'd be able to think with their actual heads for a change.
Seriously, growing up, sex was so confusing.
Here are the things that I thought
were actually true, okay?
I thought that girls had dozens of holes.
And then when a boy picked the right one,
the prize would be a baby.
[ Laughter ]
I also thought that the person you got married to
was the person whose penis fit perfectly,
like Cinderella's glass slipper but a vagina.
Thanks, Disney.
I also thought a penis was a front tail,
and when guys got excited, it would wag.
I mean, I guess that one's true still.
Parents, you have to talk to your kids about sex, okay?
Your kids are online, exposed to all types of content.
And if you wait too long to have the talk,
instead of their first question being, "What's sex?"
it's going to be, "Does sex always happen
with six people wearing leather masks in a basement?"
[ Laughter ]
When I -- He knows what I'm talking about,
this guy right here.
You laughing way too hard.
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
You nasty, and I like it!
[ Laughter ]
When I was younger, there were no TV shows
that showed us what sex was all about.
You know what I'm saying? The camera would always cut away
whenever Cory and Topanga were about to get jiggy with it.
But now kids have the show "Euphoria,"
where teenagers are doing drugs that I've never heard of
and having better sex than I am, which is any sex at all.
[ Laughter ]
And it's not just the Internet, either.
Every song on the radio is about sex.
So you should talk to your kids, or else
there's a good chance they're learning about sex from Tyga.
[ Laughter ]
And he's the one who's written songs with lyrics like,
"Met a girl last night, won't believe it.
Love her so hard, girl probably stop breathing.
Killed the vagina in the hotel screaming."
[ Laughter ]
First of all, this song turns into "Making a Murderer"
like right away. Okay?
But, also, this is why you don't want Tyga
to teach your kids about sex.
"In the hotel screaming?"
Like, can you imagine just some teenage boy on prom,
gazing into his date's eyes,
and then all of a sudden, he's just like --
[ Screams ]
[ Laughter ]
God.
I had to learn about sex the old-fashioned way, okay --
watching a heavily edited version of "American Pie" on TV.
And I only found out this year
that women are nothing like warm apple pies.
They're better. Oops, the bi jumped out.
Ooh! [ Laughter ]
I mean, sure, it was tough being so clueless about sex.
But, you know, maybe my parents were just waiting
for the right time, like the night before my wedding,
which is a little frustrating, because for my entire life,
I wasn't allowed to talk to boys.
But then suddenly when the clock struck 12:00 on my 25th birthday
my parents were pissed I didn't have kids.
Like, how am I supposed to have kids?
I wouldn't even know what to do.
Check it out.
-Oh, boy.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
Wow, it was a beautiful day.
I can't believe we're actually married.
-I know. Yeah. [ Clears throat ]
It is our wedding night, so, you know.
-Yeah, I've been waiting for this for a long time.
-Me, too. You ready?
♪♪
[ Sighs ] Okay.
"How to have..." [ Keyboard clacking ]
-What does it say? -It says, "When having sex
you may sweat, breathe heavily,
and your nipples may become erect.
-My nipples are erect right now.
Are we having sex? -Maybe.
-You're really good at this! -Thanks!
It also says your hymen may rupture.
-What? No. I need my hymen.
-Maybe you have two. -Okay, this is cool and all,
but I still don't understand how to have sex.
-Maybe we should just look up a how-to video.
-Good idea. -Okay.
Oh, God. -What is that?
-Why are there so many people?
-Are you supposed shave there?
-Why is it that big?
-Oh! Aah! What happened?
-I-I think he ruptured his hymens.
-Maybe we should just try again tomorrow.
-Yeah, that was a lot of information.
I think I just need to process.
♪♪
-Hey -- -Uh-huh?
-Aren't gonna take off your penis?