﻿Hi everyone, I’m Andrew,
and no one will take my dragons…
except me.
Whether they’re dwelling in the deepest dungeon,
or reclaiming the Iron Throne,
these sinister serpents have tormented humanity for centuries,
and it’s time for them to go extinct.
So, roll for initiative,
spread your wings,
and start your slaying,
because this is
How to Kill Dragons
Now, we’re going to be casting a fairly wide net here,
All right, what's all this hubbub?
because a lot of different monsters get swept under the label.
Technically, a “dragon” is a quadrupedal creature with wings on its back,
while the two-legged monster with bat wings is known as a wyvern.
Then you’ve got your flightless variants like drakes and wyrms,
not to mention a rich tradition of bearded badasses from South and East Asian cultures.
Our entire species evolved in fear of these fire breathers,
Dragon! Dragon! Dragon!
Will someone stop that man from yelling "dragon?"
but no matter what you call them,
your best bet to beat them are
Blades
Not all dragons are treasure-hoarding, town-destroying monsters,
hastag "notalldragons,"
they make darn good friends, too,
like Sean Connery’s Draco in ‘Dragonheart.’
Long ago, he saved the life of a Saxon prince by offering half his heart,
aw!
Forever binding him with the future tyrant.
Alive... and safe
Years later, he befriends a dragonslayer named Bowen,
played by Dennis Quaid,
I personally have seen his slay almost two dragons!
Oh, brother Gilbert...
and together they run a grift on local villages to scam them out of their dragon defense funds.
After King Arthur’s ghost sets them on the straight and narrow,
Draco, Bowen and the gang team up to take down the evil king,
but since the dragon shares his titular heart,
Bowen can only kill the king by sacrificing his best friend with a battleaxe through the chest.
You hate to see it.
Now, as awesome as axes are,
when it comes to killing dragons, it’s tough to beat a sword,
but not just any sword,
not even the authentic Hanzo steel you bought at the mall kiosk.
When you were binging 'Game of Thrones...' I studied the blade...
And now you have the audacity to ask me for help?!
Nothing personal, kid...
It takes a special blade to pierce the unyielding scales of your average dragon,
like the Sword of Truth in Disney’s ‘Sleeping Beauty.’
In the gorgeously animated climax, Prince Phillip faces off against Maleficent,
transformed into a massive black dragon.
Since he doesn’t have Donald, Goofy, or Beast backing him up,
Phil relies on Aurora’s fairies,
who hand him the Shield of Virtue and the Sword of Truth,
and give him a pixie dust buff.
Fire! Deep freeze!
When he chucks that bad boy straight into Maleficent's heart.
it’s about as gory as vintage Disney gets,
but if you really want to talk about childhood trauma,
look no further than ‘Willow.’
George Lucas and Ron Howard’s extremely bizarre epic gave me almost as many nightmares as ‘The Dark Crystal,’
but the tale of a kind dwarf destined to save a baby princess still holds up as a solid fantasy film,
complete with swords, sorcery, and a deadly dragon.
Technically, it’s an eborsisk,
a troll accidentally transformed into a fire-breathing two-headed terror,
that joins what was already an extremely chaotic battle.
The sellsword Madmartigan must be a ‘Shadow of the Colossus' fan,
since he dives onto one of the creature’s domes,
and plunges his blade through the beasts’s skull and jaw.
Its mouth is pinned shut,
and whether it’s the buildup of a blazing burp,
or the steamy sight of Val Kilmer making out with a warrior princess,
the dragon’s head explodes in a shower of flame and gore.
Now, if you don’t feel like getting doused with boiling hot dragon guts,
or you’re just scared of getting singed,
you can keep your distance and beat them with
Ballistics
Unfortunately, even our modern military-industrial complex has a hard time punching through dragon hides,
but who needs a .50 cal sniper rifle,
when a simple bow and arrow will suffice?
That does the job in ‘Reign of Fire,’
a post-apocalyptic sci-fi fantasy where dragons have lain waste to the modern world.
The ragtag resistance does their best to beat their tormentors,
but while massive harpoons are enough to take down the female dragons,
the lone alpha male isn’t going down that easy.
One night, when the dragon’s vision is impaired by darkness,
our heroes stage a counterattack in the ruins of London,
shooting an explosive crossbow bolt down the great beast’s gullet,
and ensuring the dragons’ extinction.
Next, we have a less grimdark example in J.R.R. Tolkien’s ‘The Hobbit.’
The evil Smaug has set up shop deep inside the Lonely Mountain,
literally lying in wait on a pile of treasure,
so the gold and jewels form a barrier on his fleshy underbelly.
Burglar Bilbo Baggins figures out his weak point,
a bare patch on the dragon’s chest,
which comes in handy when the serpent starts to slaughter Laketown.
Bard the Bowman receives the intel, and one-shots Smaug with his special Black Arrow.
Go now and speed well!
Now, in the book, it’s just that, an arrow forged by the former King Under the Mountain,
but since the movies had to fill nine hours to justify its $700 million budget,
Smaug’s death is a little more drawn out.
First, he survives a boiling golden shower,
yikes,
then unleashes his desolation during the Battle of the Five Armies.
Bard and the Black Arrow both make an appearance,
but since the movies have to be so darn extra,
it’s been reimagined as a crossbow contraption built atop a tower.
Of course, fancy gadgets are no match for flame,
so the Bard utilizes his bare hands, and his son’s shoulder,
to deliver the killing blow.
Now obviously, we can’t talk about dragons without mentioning George R.R. Martin’s ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ saga,
so be warned, spoilers for ‘Game of Thrones’ lie ahead.
It’s no surprise that dragons can die in Westeros,
the Doom of Valyria thinned their ranks considerably,
and the civil warfare in Dance of the Dragons pretty much made them extinct.
I mean, those 19 skulls hanging around the Red Keep didn’t come from Crackerjack boxes.
Well, 18 now,
because Qyburn destroyed the remnants of Balerion when he was beta-testing his ballista.
The first field test was a failure...
but the theory is sound.
And hey, it worked for the Night King too!
He nails Viserion with a spear,
icing the future ice dragon,
and sending him plummeting to the frozen depths.
And if you want to kill an undead dragon,
it’s surprisingly easy,
just cut off its power at the source,
because dragons are inextricably linked to
Magic
Magic!
You may not have heard of 1981’s ‘Dragonslayer,’
but it’s star, Vermithrax Pejorative, is quietly one of the most influential dragons ever depicted on screen.
Guillermo Del Toro called her one of the most perfect creature designs he’s ever seen,
and George R.R. Martin himself has declared her the best dragon ever put on film.
She was brought to life by stop-motion and 16 incredible animatronics designed by Phil Tippett and ILM,
and she was brought down by one exploding old man.
Let’s backtrack for a second:
Our hero is Galen, a sorcerer’s apprentice entrusted with the ashes and magic amulet of the late wizard Ulrich.
He uses it to enchant a spear, the titular Dragonslayer,
but it only wounds the wicked beast before breaking.
Fortunately, Galen finally catches on to his old boss’s plan.
He resurrects the wizard on a burning lake of fire,
waits for Vermithrax to snatch him in her claws,
and smashes the amulet,
causing Ulrich to explode in a blast that rivals the second Death Star in sheer magnitude,
Yee-haw!!!
Why go through the bother of bringing your dead mentor back to life and blowing him up,
when you can just shout your problems away?
Y'know? Like a real New Yorker?
I'm walkin' here... Viserion?
By the time you’ve finished playing ‘The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim,’
you’ve probably killed more dragons than Saint George, Sigurd and Beowulf combined.
That’s because you’re the Dragonborn,
a warrior with the soul of a dragon who can speak their eldritch language,
I can't believe it... You're... Dragonborn!
and wreak havoc on the janky physics of the world around you.
Now, you can destroy plenty of dragons with some daedric armor and an ebony axe,
but if you want to take down Alduin, the World Eater,
you can’t do it on the mortal plane.
Once you make it to Sovngarde, the Nordic afterlife,
you team up with three fallen heroes who help you wail on the World Eater,
but in order to end his life,
you have to use Dragonrend,
a shout that tears the immortal dragon’s soul to shreds,
by forcing them to reckon with the concept of mortal death.
So, now that we’ve covered some of the best examples of a Western fantasy dragon,
let’s close out with ‘Dragon Wars,’ or ‘D-War,’
a South Korean film (starring American actors) that focuses on the Imoogi,
mythological serpents that can transform into all-powerful Celestial Dragons with the help of the Yu Yi Joo,
who just so happens to be reincarnated as a white woman named Sara in modern day Los Angeles.
An evil Imoogi named Buraki, his extremely loud lackey,
legions of dragons and RPG-toting dinosaurs invade the West Coast,
and they quickly make short work of the U.S. military might.
But by the end, the entire evil army is disposed of with, what else, a magic medallion.
As for the big bad himself, Buraki snaps the neck of his noble counterpart,
but when Sara sacrifices herself, the good Imoogi transforms into his final form,
and destroys his evil rival with a torrent of cleansing fire right down his throat.
Maybe we just need to leave dragons alone and let them deal with their own stuff.
It’s bad enough humans are constantly trying to steal their treasure,
gank them for XP and loot,
or use them as pawns in a political struggle.
They’re noble, intelligent, majestic creatures,
but when push comes to shove,
I’d rather be slaying than simmered.