(upbeat music)
(audience applauding)
- It's amazing what we don't know about our bodies.
We don't think about things.
Like I was taught nothing about my body growing up.
I didn't lose my virginity
until I was basically almost 22 years old,
which I have a lot of shame about.
I think it's kinda old, kinda dorky.
And even the person I lost my virginity to
does not know that he took it.
'Cause I had a lie that I lost it at age 16,
under a creeping willow tree,
which is different than a Willow tree.
You get real detailed when you lied about stuff, right?
(audience laughing)
I lost my virginity at age 21, but like almost 22,
like 21 and 11 months.
And it wasn't 'cause I was a prude,
I wanted to lose my virginity.
It had always been my life's goal,
ever since I was a little girl.
Just grow up someday, and lose my virginity.
And the thing that stopped me,
well I think it was sort of a Catholic thing.
Well, first of all, I didn't really understand even
what sex was, right?
I mean, I had sex education as we all did,
but it wasn't like,
they didn't like teach you how to fuck,
you know, it was just like.
(audience laughing)
They never said anything about like making love,
and sensuality and, you know,
there was never any gay people involved.
There was just like a man lays next to a woman
and they get pregnant.
And I was like oh, why would anyone do that?
(audience laughing)
And so single bed for life, right?
And so all we had in sex education for the girls,
we had a big poster of fallopian tubes.
And I was like, those are inside of me.
And they looked giant,
and like, why aren't they coming out my mouth?
And it was just like...
(audience laughing)
And there was just a vagina right there,
with an egg right here.
It looked like a ball and a catcher's mitt.
And it looked like the egg is always there.
Like, come on let's play ball, impregnate me,
come on, go around the bases, woo.
(audience laughing)
And then for the boys, they just had a poster of sperm.
And they taught us in one little drop of semen,
there's billions and billions of sperm.
And I was like, okay. And that's all I remembered.
And then as I got to be a teenager, my mother was like,
"Never have sex, you'll get pregnant every time."
(audience laughing)
And I was like, oh but I think she's right,
'cause I thought back to those two signs.
The egg waiting and ready,
and then billions and billions of sperm.
What are the odds?
A billion to one you're going to have a baby, right?
I was like, how come women just have one at a time?
How come they were just like.
(babies whooshing)
(audience laughing)
Like why aren't babies just like spilling out of everybody?
Like there's billions and billions of sperm and one egg.
So I didn't wanna, I didn't wanna, you know,
lose my virginity so fast.
And it was kinda the Catholic Church's fault.
Like, now I'm cool with Jesus.
I knew Jesus didn't mind if I had sex,
'cause Jesus loved whores, right?
(audience laughing)
It's in the Bible. He hung out with prostitutes.
They were His favorite people.
Whenever He was getting fed up with the apostles,
He'd be like, "Where are my prostitutes?"
And they'd be like, "We're here."
And He'd be like, "Oh we're not gonna be able"
"to write about you in the Bible, but cool."
(audience laughing)
And then He was friends with them.
So I knew that once I had sex,
I would just confess to Jesus.
I had sex and He'd be like, "You know, I love that."
And I'd be like, "I know just telling you."
(audience laughing) And so that would be fine.
What I was afraid of, was getting pregnant.
Obviously it didn't want to be a teenage mother,
or a mother period.
(audience laughing)
So I knew if I got pregnant,
I would have to have an abortion.
And I was very afraid of abortion because of church.
Not 'cause of Jesus, but because of the priests at church.
Every single sermon, the priests at my church did
were about abortion.
Even though it was not in the Bible that day, you know.
They would be like, "Merry Christmas, everybody."
"And we are here 'cause Mary had a baby."
"She kept it, even though she didn't know"
"who the fuck gave it to her."
"And we will celebrate Mary."
"She didn't have an abortion like you girls"
"who go to the clubs and use it as birth control."
"And then if you had an abortion, you're going to hell."
"If you know someone that's had an abortion,"
"you're going to hell, you're all going to hell."
"Guys, don't worry about you."
"We'll high five you, it's cool, you got a woman pregnant."
(audience laughing)
"But the woman are going to hell."
And it was like, I don't want to go to hell.
I don't want to go to hell.
So I decided I'm never gonna get pregnant.
And the easiest way to do that is just to never have sex.
And I really didn't understand what an abortion was.
I didn't know, it was a safe medical procedure
that prevents a pregnancy from becoming a pregnancy.
I thought you carried a baby to full term,
and then quietly in a doctor's office,
they like shot it in the head.
(audience laughing)
Not judging, but I'm not doing it.
(audience laughing)
So instead of sex, instead of sex,
I was the girl who loved being fingered.
I love fingering. I loved, I still love it.
I love fingering, I am bringing back fingering.
It's amazing. Do it to everybody.
(audience laughing) It's not just for,
it's not just for kids.
It's like sugar cereal. Adults can enjoy it too.
It's wonderful.
It's that you're going right to the source.
It's the greatest feeling on earth.
And so, I had a lovely boyfriend who used to finger me,
and the first time I ever got fingered, oh my God.
I mean, I touched myself before,
but when you get to go hands free, it's like wee.
It's so exciting.
And the feeling was so powerful that after I got fingered,
every moment after that, that I wasn't getting fingered,
I was in a deep, dark depression.
(audience laughing)
And that's why when you see goth girls walking around,
they're not trying to get attention. They're upset.
They got fingered once, and haven't been fingered since.
And they're like, it's all so dark.
Everything is horrible. I don't feel anything.
So anyway, my boyfriend usually went first on me,
'cause he was a good guy.
But this one time I wanted to return the favor.
And so I took my two dry hands,
and I rubbed his penis up and down like you do.
And it almost caught on fire.
(audience laughing)
So like a skilled firefighter,
he grabbed it like a hose and was like, "I got this."
(audience laughing)
And he came on his hand, like a young man of 17 does,
and he wiped it on his t-shirt in the basement.
And then he kindly went in to return the favor.
But all I saw on that finger, well I couldn't see it,
but I knew it was there, billions and billions of sperm.
And I didn't want to be like,
"Can you wash your hands?"
"I'm not ready to become a mother."
'Cause that's dorky, right?
And then I was like, wait a minute,
you can't get pregnant from fingering.
They would've told us, right?
They would have told us that in school.
Unless, they don't know what this is,
and we just invented it.
(audience laughing)
But I was like, I need that good feeling.
So I let it happen. No consequences. I didn't care.
I woke up in the middle of the night,
and I just put my hand on my stomach and I felt a heartbeat.
And I was like, "Oh my God, I'm a mother."
- My mom then made me become a debutante.
She had been one. So she wanted me to become one.
Now do you guys know what a debutante is?
(audience cheering)
Well it's defined as an upper class young woman
making her first appearance in fashionable society.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Now I don't know what describes me better than that.
(audience laughing)
I spent the entire summer,
after my senior year of high school,
having to learn how to become a lady.
At the time I was working at the recreation department
as a maintenance worker.
(audience laughing)
I was lining softball fields, and picking up trash in parks,
you know, like a lady.
(audience laughing)
Then I would leave my job all sweaty and gross,
and I had to go to etiquette classes
where they taught me how to use forks,
or how to use a napkin.
I know you're all just assuming you pick up a napkin,
and wipe your face.
No, you're all savages.
(audience laughing)
You have to daintily, grab your napkin,
and then you just dab the corners of your mouth.
I just spent my summer just dabbing the corners of my mouth,
like this, and just envisioning the rest of my life
as a handmade.
(audience laughing)
I had to then learn how to talk like a lady.
Apparently you cannot just go up to potential suitors,
and go, "What's up Mark?"
(audience laughing)
They don't like that.
(audience laughing)
I had to dress like a lady.
Because at the end of this was a debutante ball,
where all of us had to wear a giant white wedding gown.
(audience laughing)
Yes, I had to wear a giant white wedding gown,
while my brother in a tuxedo walked me down the aisle.
And then I had to curtsy to him.
It looked and felt like I was marrying my brother.
(audience laughing)
Which is just a little too on the nose for North Carolina.
(audience laughing)
Oh, but I did it. I became a debutante for my mom.
And then I was presented to society
in what they call a coming out party.
(audience laughing)
It just happened to be the wrong coming out party.
It would be quite a few years
before I realized that I was gay,
which is bonkers because I have had this haircut
since I was five years old.
(audience laughing)
My hair knew I was gay, I didn't.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- One of the valuable lessons I learned in life,
that I think every woman should know is, you know,
never let anybody with dirty hands touch your coo-coo.
(audience laughing)
I learned this lesson the hard way in life.
I learned it the hard way I was about 17, right?
I was on the school bus, all right.
It was after track practice.
And there's this boy that I liked or whatever,
and he was like, you know, we was making out.
And he was like, "Can I touch you coochie."
And I was like, "Okay."
(audience laughing)
And I let him touch it, and the next day,
I was itching like a mother fucker.
(audience laughing)
I was itching bad, and I was like,
"Oh shit, something's wrong."
And I went to my home girl and I was like,
"Girl, I think he gave me Aids."
(audience laughing)
She was like, "What's wrong?"
I said, "My coochie itching really bad."
"I'm pretty sure it's Aids."
So she was like, "No Tiffany, I heard my mom"
"talking about this, you just need to put something white."
'Yeah mayonnaise, put mayonnaise on it."
(audience laughing and groaning)
I was like, "What?"
She was like, "Yeah, put mayonnaise on it."
So I went home, I put mayonnaise on my coo-coo.
(audience laughing)
I went to sleep.
When I woke up my left coochie lip was gone, y'all.
(audience laughing)
My whole left lip was gone.
My right lip was all super swollen.
I was like, "Uh-oh, I'm growing a penis."
(audience laughing)
I'm going through the change.
(audience laughing)
Maybe I'm not going through the change.
Maybe it's just an infection.
What'd grandma say if you get an infection?
Oh yeah, put some peroxide on it.
(audience gasping)
(Tiffany exhales deeply)
My coochie looked like it had rabies.
(audience laughing)
I was foaming, it was bad.
She's like, "Girl you stupid."
I'm gonna say, nobody writes me bitch.
I'm just going off of things that I hear from other people.
(audience laughing)
This is why I'm glad there's the internet now.
This was the 1900's, a bitch didn't know better.
(audience laughing)
It was so bad.
I went back to sleep.
I went to go back to sleep.
When I woke up my right coochie lip looked like
it was a hot dog in the microwave for too long.
(audience laughing)
I'm not gonna show that image.
(audience laughing)
Turns out I just had a yeast infection on steroids.
So what'd we learn from this?
Dirty nails, dirty D.
That mother fucker can't touch me.
(audience laughing)
Y'all put mayonnaise on your pussy?
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)