-Hi, we're Dr. Paul and Vicki Jenkins. We're here to share with your three
communication hacks that will immediately improve your relationship with your teen.
You know, dealing with teens is kinda like dealing with fire and we share this on our
recent video about how when you're on fire. You wanna stop, drop, and roll. We will apply
that in communicating with your teen. -Hack number 1, stop talking. You wanna stop talking
and listen more. Now, I am going to [inaudible] this that you might just have a lot more quiet.
Because of my experience with a lot of teenagers is they don't want to talk a lot at first,
at least. You might have to just be comfortable in silence for a minute so that they are ready to
talk to you. -Especially if they're used to having someone actually listen. This might be some of
their hesitant too. Vicky, you're a communication specialist as a speech-language pathologist and
you know that it gets complicated sometimes in our communication pattern. -You know it's so
interesting those communication patterns we are not very comfortable with long pauses. We
have to fill it up and even as a speech therapist sometimes we say count to 10,
which feels like an eternity. But be willing to just wait a little bit longer than you normally
would have and you get some pretty good things if you'll wait. - We put together a communication
cheat sheet for you and this will summarize five powerful strategies that you can use. It's just
one page and you can get them immediately as a PDF. Go to drpauljenkis.com/communication,
will get that right into your inbox. When you look at your cheat sheet you're going to see that
there's a lot there about listening and you made a good point about this Vicki earlier. When this is
a starting point because we need to postpone our need to be understood. Usually, when I'm
going to communicate and especially with our teens we want them to understand something.
Were trying to get an idea from our head into their head. That's the goal of our communication.
What we're saying is stop, allow and go to shift a little bit to where if you'll postpone your need
to be understood until they're are satisfied that you understand them. It's going to completely
change the dynamic of your relationship. -And this is another little from my own experience.
Most of the time my teens weren't ready to start talking until quite a bit later in the evening
or at night time then I was ready for. So, you kind of even have to sometimes postpone your own
needs. There were so many times 11 o'clock, 11:30 somebody come in, "Mom, Dad", and that's when
they're ready to talk. So, just be willing to stop and listen to them in a way that they feel heard
and it might require some wait time in both at the moment of speaking and even in
the timing of your day. -Here's hack number two in our stop, drop, and roll. Drop a number of words.
There's certain words in the English language that get in our way and the first one is
but. -That is such a tricky word. Whenever you say anything, "I think you're doing great but",
it just. -Do you remember were watching a show recently where someone is making an apology.
-Oh, gosh, yes. -And the apology was so sincere it's like, "I'm really sorry that had happened",
and you can hear what's coming? "But", and as soon as you say but it means to forget
what I just said here's what I really mean. -And kids listen for that, they know. So, if you say
"But", they know, "Oh, they don't really care or think about me. I think they're just ready
to tell me what I'm supposed to do." -Here's a little strategy, write this in your notes
somewhere. Stay in front of your "But". Whatever you say in front of the "But", stay there. -Just
let it stand by itself. -Whatever comes after the "But" is going to spoil what you just said.
At the very least I like to include what Kirk A. Weisler says. He is the author of The Dog
Poop Initiative and he taught me once about but flipping. Which basically you flip it
and if you have to say "But", say the best thing last. You know, "I really have some challenges
with the way you did this or that but I am so appreciative of everything that you're doing."
I prefer that you drop the "But". Now, there's a couple of other words that we could drop. -Should,
should imply judgment like you're doing it right or you won't do it right unless I tell you how to
do it. The should is really offensive especially to a teen. -And we come by it honestly as parents
because we really do believe that they should do this or that and it comes out in our language and
that puts us in a very judgemental position and we get resistance from our teen. Look,
we're not arguing your ability to make moral decisions. We get it, you're a good parent.
Putting the word should in usually works against you because of the perception that it creates
fr your teenager. Here's another one that we encourage you to drop, "I think, "If I were you",
it becomes all about me. How I'm right and you're wrong and if you're just smart enough
to listen to me then the whole world would be a better place. Just notice that we get into this,
it's almost a destructive pride, isn't it? Whereas parents because of our experiences
and what we've learned in our own life we put ourselves in that I'm here and you're there
kind of position. -And don't forget it. -So, I think, let's just drop the "I", as much as we
can. This is a good communication tool when you're talking to anyone. But especially with your teen
try to move more away from "I" and more into "We" or "Us" or you
focus your shift from the big number one over to the person that you're with. -Hack number three,
roll. You're gonna roll out new energy, a new attitude. -It's a new approach, really. When
you say attitude I always think back to our son Adam as a pilot and attitude is aviation term
means position. So, attitude is not how you feel well attitude is your position towards something.
What's your position towards your teen? Is your position, "Oh, they're challenging. They always
disobey. They constantly get into the things that they should", is that your attitude or position?
They're gonna feel it. -You know, this actually reminds me [inaudible]. This was a full teen he
was a pre-teen which that is a whole other story but very similar. Anyway, I remember
that I often said in my head, this could drive me crazy. This can make me crazy. I am so crazy.
I remember recognizing it and just choosing I am going to change. I am not going to say that
anymore. This kid has so much energy. He has a great trajectory and potential and it change the
way I showed up with him and it really helped our relationship. So, choosing a new attitude towards
your child is gonna be really a great way to roll out some new experiences. -That's a great example
of rolling out a new attitude. You get to choose it intentionally. Here's a little challenge,
if you wanna take this on, who's in? Who is in for a little challenge? Here's a challenge,
for the next five days truly enjoy your teenager. How would you do that? What if I were to put a big
price or a reward attached to it? What if I could give you half a million dollars if you could truly
enjoy your teenager for the next five days. Could you do it? And if your answer to that is, "Well,
I don't know", think about what you would need to change in your own attitude or position
to allow you to do it like you were saying Vicki you know. You change your position
towards your teen instead of this could drive me crazy. This could have some amazing energy.
It feels different. -And people will be curious for a minute. Be curious, what is it that
other people love? What is their friend enjoy about? What do they enjoy about that activity?
That might seem wasteful to you. Be curious about it so you can enjoy them. Just open that attitude
towards your child. Curiosity is a great way to get out of judgment. -Adam our son shared with
me one other thing about that attitude that I want to pass along. Attitude does not determine where
you're it determines where you're going and if you think about it for an airplane. If you've got
a knows-up attitude that's giving you a whole new trajectory. You're going somewhere different than
if you have a knows-down attitude which leads you into the hard stuff. So, notice that it
is what it is. You are exactly where you're with your teenager right now. Your attitude
determines where you're going, not where you're. If you found these hacks helpful,
please look at the next video. Its five things that every parent of a teenager should know.