- I'm not gonna try that hard, calm down.
Not gonna try that hard. (audience laughs)
That's why I got married so I can get fat and stop trying.
I did.
I tried to date
and the young women are doing too much,
y'all are nastier than I remember.
What happened to missionary?
We're doing new shit
I'm not ready. (audience laughs)
I'm not ready.
My last date before I started dating my wife
the woman said something in bed
that made me just start going to church,
and I'm Muslim.
It was a lot.
It was a lot happening.
I'm hitting it from the back,
doing regular things, you know?
And she turns around, she goes, "mm, yeah, that's right,
choke me and spit in my mouth."
(audience laughs)
I said, "Madison,"
(audience laughs)
I don't think you can say that word,
you know what I'm saying?"
"And also, (gathers spit in mouth)"
(audience laughs and applauds)
"you challenge me."
You should know that Madison in that joke is black
but I feel like if your mama named you Madison
she definitely don't want you to say,
you know what I'm saying?
I'm not on my regular amount of weed.
So I'm a little off.
I like to talk about drugs
'cause I do a lot of drugs.
I'm just fucking with y'all,
I'm the police, y'all are going to jail. (laughs)
We're in LA we can say it.
No, you going to jail, bitch. (chuckles)
No, I don't do a lot.
I do one drug a lot.
A lot of weed.
I do weed with everything.
I parent with weed.
That's the best.
People are like "oh, you're a gentle parent."
No, I'm high.
"Daddy, I spilled it.
I'm sorry."
It's all right little, get another one.
It's fine.
Try and to talk to me about current events?
I don't give a shit, I'm high.
Do you see what's going on in Ukraine?
That's white on white violence.
That ain't my business.
Something about their culture.
They gotta get that shit together. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
That's how I watch the news.
I watch the news high as shit
I get real high.
Last week I had the best fucking week of my life.
My mother-in-law came and picked my son up
and I was smoking weed
and it was just me and my wife in the house.
And she walked around with her titties out
because you can't do that with a fucking baby
that was breast fed.
Be five and still be like, "we still eating?
We still doing this?
You pulled 'em out.
Don't fucking pull 'em out if I-
Well put the motherfuckers up then if I can't have none."
So she's going, she's free.
She got the titties free.
It's very "National Geographic" in the house.
You know what I mean?
I'm smoking and I fucked up and turned on Fox news
but I didn't catch it at first
'cause I don't listen to the news I just watch it,
it be muted.
I was listening to DMX,
but I was watching Tucker Carlson.
It was a lot going on.
So I'm just getting high, (imitates angry dog)
you know?
So I'm getting high.
I'm watching Tucker Carlson
and all of a sudden on the screen
I see 50% of all murders committed in the United States
were committed by black people.
I don't know if y'all know this, but you can't do math high.
Cause all I heard was 50%, and black people, and murder
and nobody was home except me and my wife.
(audience laughs)
And 50% of two- (audience continues laughing)
No, she's a killer.
I'm in the house with a murderer.
My favorite part about that joke
is as soon as I say Fox news,
some people booties get tight. (puckers)
Then I say the part about black people
and then other booties get tight. (puckers)
Is he doing black on black jokes
in front of this mix, diverse audience?
Then we get to the end,
you like, oh this is about his wife being a killer,
this is fine.
(audience laughs)
But nobody ever says, "wait a minute, man
numbers don't really make sense."
Like I get it.
I know what you're doing.
But the number doesn't really make sense.
50% of all murders?
Cause I Googled it,
actually the number is statistically correct
but they didn't give any context for it
and that's what fucked me up.
50% of all murders committed in this country
were committed by people of color, that's true.
But why are they telling you that on Fox news?
We not killing you, I looked it up.
92% of the people that black people had murdered
were other black people.
Like what the fuck are you scared of, sir?
I'm not gonna-
(audience laughs)
Clutching your purse?
Move, I'm trying to shoot the motherfucker behind you.
(audience applauds) Get the fuck up out of here.
Also, they don't explain that part.
Like yeah, black people killing black people.
Yeah, 'cause black people live near black people,
that's it.
It's no hard shit to figure out.
Black people live near black people.
That's why they shoot fucking black people.
Like if I lived in a very black neighborhood,
which I do 'cause Chicago is segregated as shit,
and I had beef with a white dude at my job,
he's safe.
I don't know how to get to his neighborhood.
Fucking lose my signal with all the tunnels
and tall buildings.
I see you Monday, Henry, you know?
Plus they don't explain it.
Black people kill Black people,
Black people,
Well if Black people kill Black people
who the fuck is killing everybody else?
I Googled that.
It's everybody else, it ain't us.
I Googled it.
Latinos, if you were in this audience right now,
if you want to be safe, 92% of Latinos
murdered in this country were murdered by another Latino.
If you Asian in this country, you want to be safe,
you already good, y'all don't really kill.
That's not y'all's shit, good job.
But this was Fox news
and that's what bothered me.
On Fox news you're not telling white people
who's killing white people.
Y'all not gonna keep your own people safe?
That's fucked up.
So I did the research
so I could keep all of my white friends safe.
(audience laugh)
And I found out that last year
91% of white people who were murdered in this country
were murdered by gluten.
Y'all can't eat bread?
Y'all soft.
I'm Felonious Munk, y'all be cool.