- That's 35 extra large pizzas
and here's your receipt.
- And here's my coupon.
- Coupon?
Haven't seen this before.
- When I first saw it I said,
"$10 off every $7 pizza?"
That means you owe me $3 per pizza.
[sighs] Such a deal.
- That can't be right.
That means we owe you over $100.
- That's what I said! Such a deal.
- Sir, as terrible as our food may be,
we do not pay people to eat it.
- Well, according to this coupon, you do,
and I want my money.
- What seems to be the problem, sir?
- This man is clearly a fraud.
He tried to pay with that.
- Oh, good, my coupon! It's working!
Mads, please take care of this gentleman.
Here at Pork E. Pine's, the customer's always right.
- Thanks, man.
Hey, we're running a special next door:
free pizza with car wash.
You should stop by.
- Oh, that's so nice.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Unbelievable.
- I know, right?
We're gonna make a fortune.
And make sure to tell all your friends!
- Now they're gonna tell all their friends!
- Exactly!
- Your coupon's gonna tank the business.
- I'm getting real tired of you always saying
I'm gonna tank the business.
If anything's bringing this business down,
it's your poor attitude.
- How did you even come up with these figures anyway?
- I crunched some numbers, but then my mind got confused
so then I did some crunches on my abacus
and came up with some new numbers.
I call it six pack math.
- Wow. - Yeah, I know.
It's not easy being a visionary.
Now I know how Steve Jobs must've felt.
[sighs]
- Look, we've lost a fortune this week.
I need you to consult an accredited financial planner
to fix this before Pork E.'s becomes destitute.
- Destitute?
Pork. E.'s would never sell sex for money.
Wait, should we?
[playful music]
- [man singing] This is America
Land of dreams
Everyone can climb higher
- [women singing] Not you, though
You're stuck here
'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah
- [man singing] You can do anything
- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard
- [man singing] And you can go anywhere
- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car
- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success
- [woman singing] Come on, that's not who you are
- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed
With full-time dreams
And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems
Bad as it seems
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Whoa
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Oh
Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?
- Of course I'm accredited.
Look at all my a-credit cards.
- I knew you were the man for the job.
- As your financial planner, I'll get you all your money back
plus my standard business fee of 25%.
- Half? [inhales sharply]
I don't know, man. That seems kind of steep.
- Yeah, it's only that high
because I know how bad you are at math.
Do you remember how you spent your sweet 16 birthday cash?
- Yeah, I still believe in dry-hump jeans.
- Yeah, which is why I'll be doing all the heavy lifting.
So you in?
- Congratulations, financial planner.
So how are we gonna get our money back?
- Oh, crowdfunding.
You just make an awesomely sappy video
and put it up on GiveYourMoneyToMe.com,
and then people just give you free cash
in exchange for dumb thank-you prizes.
- Okay, but how are we supposed to make a video?
- Oh, don't worry.
I know a guy.
[playful music]
- Quiet on the set.
Anton, you're playing the role of Sarah McLachlan.
Ian, you're playing the role of sad puppy
about to be euthanized.
- Got it.
- Uh, who is Sarah McLachlan?
- Dude, she's the original crowdsourcer-er.
You know, she's the one that talks really dramatically
and looks really sad and gets everybody's money.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Slate, please.
Copy. - All right.
- Heartfelt crowdsourcing video take one.
- All right.
- [clears throat]
[sighs]
Every hour, a human is beaten
by math.
I know because it happened to me.
And now this little fella is also a victim of mathematics.
Soon, he'll be jobless
and forced to live out on the streets.
- [woman singing] Na na
- But we could stop math before it's too late.
For just $1 a day,
that's $150 a year--
- [woman singing] Na na
- 365?
[acoustic guitar strumming]
Oh, God, it's happening again.
- [woman singing] Na na
- Please donate.
- [woman singing] Na na
- [whimpering]
[sobbing]
[both sobbing]
[sobbing] Please donate.
[sobbing] Please donate!
- Well, if we're gonna be the worst,
we might as well be the best at being the worst.
We did it!
- I can't believe we made the front page of HuffPo
for sucking.
- Yeah, but we're on the front page.
There's no such thing as bad press.
- You're right.
All that matters is that people are donating,
and we got the hits.
- Mm-hmm. - Hits.
[both chanting] Hits, hits, hits, hits, hits!
- Wait. When are we gonna get our money?
- Well, once we fulfill the donation orders,
then it's bada-bing, bada-boom, cha-ching, cha-ching.
[rapping] Cash register noise
Your financial woes are over
Forget about it
You talkin' to me?
- Okay, so how do we fulfill all these orders?
- Well, we promised our donors jewel-encrusted t-shirts,
so do you still have those misprinted tees?
- Yeah, but I was gonna use them up in the air ducts
to cover up all the asbestos.
- Don't. Don't. Don't bother with that.
No.
We'll just throw some jewels on those,
ship them out, and get paid.
Problem solved. - How many do we have to make?
- Just, like, a pinch over...
2,000.
- What?
That's gonna cost a fortune!
- Relax, dude.
I know a great t-shirt guy.
[playful music]
- You know, this design and I
really clicked.
It only took me seven hours.
Just 2,000 more to go. - No!
Dinger, you're gonna have to work way, way faster on these.
- Said the pope to Michelangelo.
- Dude, just get it done.
- Okay!
But this one's mine.
[upbeat jazzy music]
[horn blares] - Wake up!
- [screams]
I quit!
These working conditions are starting to seem illegal.
- No, no, no.
If you quit, none of us get our free money,
and none of us get paid.
- Well, you guys finish the shirts then!
- Hey, I'm the financial advisor.
I sign checks. I don't do manual labor.
- Anton, you'll be hearing from my lawyer.
- You have a lawyer?
- No, but I do have someone that's willing to act like one.
- Have you been a victim of harassment in the workplace?
Does your boss chain you to a desk
and force you to pee in a bucket?
Are you underpaid, overworked,
and constantly told that you have bad teeth?
Well... [chuckles]
Not anymore!
Howdy!
I'm Peter Petrinovic with Peter & Petrinovic,
and I'm here to fight for you!
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
I'll get straight to the point.
Here are my client's demands.
Mr. Von Ripworth would like overtime, under time,
hammer time, and a subscription to "TIME."
- But our whole business is going under.
I can't afford to pay him anything.
[video games beeping]
- My client wishes to inform the both of you
that he is unionizing.
- What union?
- The BGA:
Bedazzler's Guild of America.
Perhaps you've heard of them.
They are huge.
[no audible dialogue]
[children yelling]
- Rhinestoners have rights! all: Hey!
- Great, now we have to fight a union to get t-shirts
to fulfill orders so we can get free money
to pay our company bills.
- Minus my 50% off the top, exactly,
but don't worry, dude.
I know a guy.
He's a union buster.
- Ian, you always claim to know a guy
and it's always the same guy.
Tell me it's not Dinger.
- It's Dinger.
What? He's affordable.
- You claim to be a fixer,
and all you do is make things worse.
- I can't help it if I'm an idea guy and you're not.
- I have an idea. - Yeah?
- You're fired. - What?
But, like, fired from Pork E. Pine's
or fired as your financial advisor?
- Rhinestoners have rights! all: Hey!
- Right, I'm just gonna assume that I still have a job here.
Cool?
[sighs] That was close.
- Rhinestoners have rights! all: Hey!
- Dinger?
- Rhinestoners have rights!
- Dinger, can I talk to you for a second?
- No, you'll have to speak to my union rep.
Hi, I'm Dinger's union rep.
- Look, I can't afford to pay you overtime, okay?
We just don't have the money,
but would you be willing to settle
for some stock in the company?
- [spits]
Send the paperwork over to my lawyer.
I'll have him take a look when he's finished
singing "Happy Birthday" to table nine.
- You want me to take the coupon damages out of your salary?
- Yeah, I'm trying on responsibility for a change.
It feels nice.
- Oh.
[keys clacking]
It's gonna cost you this much.
- What?
That's half my annual salary.
Wait, this is what you make in a year?
- Yeah, my dad said it was plenty.
- I'm really proud of you, Anton.
One day you might be able to run this place.
- Thanks.
- [clears throat]
Is this a board meeting?
Because my client is supposed to be informed
of any and all board meetings.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, Anton here paid my client in stock.
- So?
- So Mr. Von Ripworth here owns 49% of this company.
- I'm not good with numbers,
but that's bad, right?
- I have a proposal for the board.
New uniforms for everybody.
[whispering] Make it happen.
- What?
[playful music]