- Hey there!. - What is it?
- [Phone Voice] Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
- It is... (phone plays thundering sound)
Stormy out, folks.
Look it, I got new glasses, right.
And they gave me three.
And one I wore on the show and here's the other ones.
Right?
Right? Vote. That's number one.
Are these too chomo-y?
Just be honest.
- [Heather] No comment.
- That's a "Yes."
And here is...
Oh, these actually have real glasses in 'em.
Ah, 1970, can I talk to you?
Ow, gives me a headache 'cause they're real.
Fuck it.
Okay. That's number two.
And you can say, "They both suck."
You think I wanna wear glasses?
I'm getting old, man.
- [Phone Voice] What? - Yep.
Bear Grylls.
Let's start.
This is gonna be quicker, this monologue.
You'll be fuckin' (snaps) back to quarantine in no time,
doing nothing. (phone crickets chirping)
(David growls)
- [Heather] Who's that?
- Who's potential spam again?
All right.
Bear Grylls said he's been approached to play James Bond.
Good old Jimmy Bond.
In this movie, Bond likes his elephant poop shaken,
not stirred.
That's okay, you fuckin' lazy writer.
But you know, you can't really shake poop.
I'm not sure I need to see Q's wacky new gizmo
where they turn poop into granola bars.
I'm just not sure.
A snorkeler found 1.5 million worth
of cocaina off The Florida Keys.
If you're gonna do that much coke,
you're gonna definitely need keys.
Did he need a snorkel 'cause there was so much coke?
I don't get it. I don't get it.
Remember Swardson, Nick Swardson used to say,
we'd talk about guys doing coke, he goes,
"Yeah, those guys in the bathroom
were like Gackie Chan and Bruce Key."
(David sniffs)
Swardson said one funny thing in his life,
that was it.
A Norwegian DJ had a helicopter fly a piano
to the top of a snow-capped mountain
so he could perform a virtual concert.
Mountain climbers were upset that they climbed thousands
of feet just to get away from DJs.
Now, when you write this joke for me,
please don't put in "thousands of feet"
because just say, "They climbed to the top."
Clear, crisp, you can say it, people understand it.
Or just say, "They climbed up there."
"They climbed up there to get away from..."
DJ's a funny thing because if people are
on their bio on Instagram, they're like,
"MMA fighter, DJ, trainer."
You're like, "Oh, you work at Arby's?"
Because if you're too many things,
you're almost not anything.
You know what I mean?
We'll come back to that.
Put a pin in that, Heather.
A makeup line is partnering with Chipotle
to sell burrito and guacamole inspired products.
Charmin is signing up so they can do a collab.
Charmin's right there.
Elon Musk has found a city in Texas
and he wants to name it, Starbase.
His kid said, "Oh dad, can I trade names?
So then I wouldn't be X-F-Q-Z-Niner fuckin' R-2-D-2
or whatever you named me, and I can be Starbase."
'Cause it's cool.
"Starbase, what's up?"
"I pick Starbase for kickball."
He's like (clicks).
A woman in Thailand found a hardened lump
of whale vomit worth $250,000.
Some people have all the luck.
Whalers have concluded that instead
of killing whales for blubber,
it makes more sense to give them shots of Jager.
Then they'll barf.
I barfed a Jager once.
And congratulations to the whale vomit appraiser
who finally got a job.
- [Phone Voice] That's what she said!
- MacKenzie Scott, the ex-wife of Amazon founder...
Who, Heather?
- [Heather] Bezos?
- Yes. Just married a science teacher at her kid's school.
First order of business, he said,
"Let's put all our money in a pile and split it."
But you know what? In a pinch, he can make meth
if they run out of money.
They probably won't.
A new law proposing Utah would sensor all porn
on a child's phones and tablets.
It's not already?
From now on, all videos will be limited to men
with two or more wives.
I think that's smart.
Amazon opened a store in London that doesn't have cashiers.
They already have that here,
it's called, Ross Dress for Less.
I don't really get this joke,
but I swear one of the writers went there
and didn't get helped and they're trying
to fuck them on this joke.
They're like, "I'll get you back.
You'll be in the fuckin' best monologue in the world."
(phone whistles)
Oh, the monologue is nice? Pretty?
Here, we're gonna bring it home with this one. (snaps)
Fyre Fest founder, Billy McFarland...
I don't love "Fyre Fest founder."
It's an F Fest.
He admitted he took 26 million from investors
in his first interview from jail.
He also said he preferred interviews
to submissive BJ's in jail.
'Cause you know, they have to do that stuff.
That's what I hear.
And after he gives the guy a BJ, he goes,
"That's not as good as I thought it would be."
And he goes, "Neither was Fyre Fest!
Hey, you know me, it's on brand."
Whoa, whoa, whoa. And...
- [Phone Voice] Watch out, sucka!