WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN
COLBERT.
YOU KNOW, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT BECAUSE I NEED IT.
YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THAT TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS AND THEY ARE
WRONG.
(LAUGHTER) TIME CAN ALSO FESTER ALL WOUNDS.
AND THEN YOU HAVE TO START LOPPING STUFF OFF BEFORE IT
SPREADS.
AND I'M BEGINNING TO THINK IT'S TIME TO REACH FOR THE BONE SAW
BECAUSE ANYBODY WHO STILL BELIEVES DONALD TRUMP AT THIS
POINT IS GANGRENE ON THE BODY POLITIC.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) GOT TO GO, GOT TO GO FOR THE
REST OF THED ABOUTEE BUT DON'T GIVE ME THE SAW BECAUSE I'M
FEELING A LITTLE SHAKY.
I'M ABOUT AS SHAKY AS I HAVE FELT SINCE THE NIGHT HE WON.
BACK THEN MY BIGGEST FEAR IS WE HAD ELECTED AN ASSET OF THE
RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT WHO WOULD SELL OUT AMERICA AT EVERY
OPPORTUNITY JUST TO SAVE HIS OWN HIDE.
MY BIGGEST FEAR NOW IS THAT I WAS RIGHT.
A LOT OF PEOPLE-- A LOT OF PEOPLE--
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) , A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
UPSET SINCE HELSINKI WHERE DONALD TRUMP DID NOT PUT AMERICA
FIRST.
HE DID NOT SAY HEY, PUTIN, I KNOW YOU MESSED WITH OUR
ELECTION AND IF YOU DO IT AGAIN WE'RE GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.
INSTEAD DONALD TRUMP BLAMED AMERICA AND SUCKED UP TO PUTIN.
>> PEOPLE CAME TO ME, DAN COATES CAME TO ME AND SOME OTHERS.
THEY SAID THEY THINK IT'S RUSSIA.
I HAVE PRESIDENT PUTIN, HE JUST SAID IT'S NOT RUSSIA.
I WILL SAY, THIS I DON'T SEE ANY REASON WHY IT WOULD BE.
>> YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE ARE UPSET.
THAT'S LIKE PAUL REVERE SAYING THE BRITISH ARE "COME FROM
AWAYING," THE BRITISH ARE COMING, THIS WAY, BRITISH,
FOLLOW ME, WE'LL GET THEM WHILE THEY'RE SLEEPING, P-WE, P-WPE-W.
PE-W.
AND AFTER GETTING CAUGHT PUBLICLY BETRAYING THE COUNTRY
HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF, YESTERDAY DONALD TRUMP KUNNINGLY FIXED IT.
>> THE KEY SENTENCE IN MY REMARKS, I SAID THE WORD "WOULD"
INSTEAD OF WOULDN'T.
THE SENTENCE SHOULD HAVE BEEN I DON'T SEE ANY REASON WHY I
WOULDN'T-- OR WHY IT WOULDN'T BE RUSSIA.
>> OKAY, ALL GOOD.
I SEE NO REASON WHY YOU WOULD BE A TRAITOR, I'M SORRY, I MEANT
WOULDN'T.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND REMEMBER CAN'T REMEMBER, NOW
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
ANYWAY, FIXED IT.
BUT IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS BECAUSE WE'RE NOTHING IF NOT
FAIR AT THE LATE SHOW-- (LAUGHTER)
AND I'M BLG TOLD WE'RE NOTHING, ANYWAY, HERE'S WHAT IT WOULD
HAVE SOUNDED LIKE IF HE HAD SAID WHAT HE CLAIMED HE MEANT.
>> MY PEOPLE CAME TO ME, DAN COATES CAME TO ME AND SOME
OTHERS.
THEY SAID THEY THINK IT'S RUSSIA.
I HAVE PRESIDENT PUTIN.
HE JUST SAID IT'S NOT RUSSIA.
I WILL SAY, THIS I DON'T SEE ANY REASON WHY IT WOULDN'T BE.
>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
THAT FIXESxD IT.
(APPLAUSE) >> SMOOTH, THAT FIXES THE ONLY
WORD HE CLAIMS HE GOT WRONG.
I'M JUST CURIOUS, DID HE SAY ANYTHING ELSE?
>> HAVE I GREAT CONFIDENCE IN MY INTELLIGENCE PEOPLE BUT, I WILL
TELL THAT YOU PRESIDENT PUTIN WAS EXTREMELY STRONG AND
POWERFUL IN HIS DENIAL TODAY AND WHAT HE DID IS AN INCREDIBLE
OFFER.
>> THAT IS PRETTY TERRIBLE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE HE MEANT TO SAY THIS.
>> I HAVE GREAT CONFIDENCE IN MY INTELLIGENCE PEOPLE.
BUT I WILL TELL YOU THAT PRESIDENT PUTIN WAS
EXTREMELY-- WRONG AND BAD.
>> IN HIS DENIAL TODAY AND WHAT HE DID WAS.
>> GROUNDS FOR WAR.
>> TRUMP DOESN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE ON ALL SIDES OF THE
POLITICAL SPECTRUM ARE HORRIFIED.
THIS MORNING HE TWEETED, SO MANY PEOPLE AT THE HIGHER END OF
INTELLIGENCE LOVED MY PRESS CONFERENCE PERFORMANCE IN
HELSINKI.
THAT I BELIEVE, I'M SURE THE HIGHEST ENDS OF RUSSIAN
INTELLIGENCE LOVED IT.
ABSOLUTELY, I GOT TO SAY, THEY LOVED IT.
I GREAT REVIEWS FROM THE BORE IS AND NATASHA, KERI RUSSELL, EVEN
THAT NEW RUSSIAN SPY LADY WHAT IS HER FLAME, MARIO BATALI, SHE
LOVED IT.
HE FOLLOWED THAT UP WITH WHILE THE NATO MEETING IN BRUSSELS WAS
AN ACKNOWLEDGED TRIUMPH WITH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS MORE BEING
PUT UP BY MEMBERS OF COUNTRIES AT A FASTER PACE, THE MEETING
WITH RUSSIA MAY PROVE TO BE IN THE LONG RUN AN EVEN GREATER
SUCCESS.
YOU KNOW WHO DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE THE NATO MEETING AS A TRIUMPH?
NATO.
(LAUGHTER) YOU CAN'T DECLARE YOUR DISASTERS
SUCCESS SUCCESSES.
EVEN MEMBERS OF TRUMP'S ADMINISTRATION DON'T THINK THIS
VERBAL TURD IS GOING TO FLUSH.
ONE OFFICIAL WARNED, PEOPLE AREN'T GOING TO FORGET ABOUT
THIS.
IT WILL BE IN THE TOP THREE WORST MOMENTS OF HIS PRESIDENCY.
THREE?
(LAUGHTER) THREE?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THREE.
HOW-- HOW WOULD YOU EVEN CHOOSE?
(LAUGHTER) I WOULD HAVE TROUBLE HOLDING IT
TO A BILLBOARD TOP 100.
AND COMING IN AT NUMBER 47 BEV'S GOT TRUMP THINKS FREDERICK
DOUGLASS IS STILL ALIVE.
AND THIS ONE, THIS ONE IS DEDICATED TO LITTLE DYLAN
PICKLE.
SO-- (LAUGHTER)
TRUMP'S WALK-BACK YESTERDAY WAS MORE OF A SHAMBLE.
AND YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE SOME KIND OF IDIOT TO BUY IT JIMMY,
ROLL THE IDIOTS.
>> I THOUGHT YESTERDAY WAS A STEP FORWARD AND I'M GLAD THAT
IT OCCURRED.
>> I'M GLAD THE PRESIDENT RETRACTED OR SORT OF CORRECTED
HIS STATEMENT.
>> I'M JUST GLAD HE CLARIFIED IT.
>> I THINK HE CLEANED IT UP TODAY.
>> I TAKE HIM AT HIS BOARD SNS WHICH WORDS?
, WOULD OR WOULDN'T BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T EVEN TAKE THE
PRESIDENT AT HIS WORD.
BUT THERE IS A PERFECTLY REASONABLE EXPLANATION FOR WHY
REPUBLICAN LEADERS WON'T STICK UP FOR DEMOCRACY.
THEY'RE SCARED.
ACCORDING TO ONE GOP STRATEGIST, I'M FURIOUS REPUBLICANS ARE
COULD WARDLY ABOUT TRUMP BUT HERE IS WHAT THEY SAY IN
PRIVATE, TRUMP IS A DISGRACE, I GIVE FIERY PRESS CONFERENCE
TOMORROW SAYING THAT.
NOTHING CHANGES.
TRUMP REMAINS NUTS AND REMAINS PRESIDENT, A NUT BEATS ME IN THE
NEXT PRIMARY.
SO HOW DOES MY POLITICAL SUICIDE HELP?
IT REMINDED ME OF THE FAMOUS MOVING SPEECH FROM BRAVEHEART,
THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES BUT-- WAIT, THEY MAY TAKE OUR
LIVES?
THEN HOW DOES THAT HELP ANYBODY?
LET'S BE ENGLISH.
(LAUGHTER) CHEERSZ
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> THAT'S NOWHERE NEAR, NO
NOWHERE NEAR SCOTTISH.
ONE POLITICAL ANALYST HAS A GRIM PREDINGS FOR HOW THIS WILL ALL
END UP.
MOST REPUBLICAN MEMBERS ARE WILLING TO ADMIT THE PRESIDENT
DOESN'T OPERATE IN REALITY BUT NO, WE'RE DOOMED IN THEIR NEXT
PRIMARY IF THEY SAY SO PUBLICLY.
AS LONG AS THAT IS TRUE, WE'RE HEADED FOR A WORLD WITH ZERO
ACCOUNTABILITY THAT IS ADORABLE.
BUT HE THINKS WE'RE HEADED FOR ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY.
WHAT OTHER HOT PREDICTIONS YOU GOT.
YOU THINK THE SMARTPHONES ARE TBING TO CATCH ON?
BUT ONE-- (LAUGHTER)
I'M HEARING GREAT THINGS ABOUT PENCIL INBUT-- THANK YOU.
PENICILLIN FANS HERE TONIGHT.
BUT ONE REPUBLICAN DID QUESTION TRUMP'S RELATIONSHIP WITH PUTIN.
ILLINOIS CONGRESSMAN AND THE NEXT BACHELOR ADAM KINZINGER.
>> IT'S ONE THING TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH VLADIMIR
PUTIN, THAT IS OKAY AS TWO LEADERS OF BIG COUNTRY.
BUT TO HAVE A FRIENDSHIP, IS DIFFERENT, I QUAIT THE
RELATIONSHIP TO LIKE A PRISON GUARD FOR JEFFREY DAHMER, YOU
CAN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH JEFF YEE DAHMER AS HIS PRISON
GUARD BUT DON'T BE HIS FRIEND BECAUSE HE'S A REALLY BAD GUY.
>> OKAY.
TRUE, BUT IN THIS ANALOGY, TRUMP DOESN'T WANT TO BE JEFFREY
DAHMER'S PRISON GUARD.
HE HAD A PRESS CONFERENCE WITH DAHMER AND SAID HE BELIEVED HIM
OVER THE POLICE.
>> THE COPS ARE LIARS, MY BUDDY JEFF MADE ME A FANTASTIC
MEATLOAF AND I'M HAVING SECONDS.
I'M HAVING SECONDS RIGHT NOW, I DON'T KNOW-- OH WAIT, I'M SORRY,
I JUST CHECKED THE TRANSCRYPT, I GOT ONE WORD WRONG, I MEANT
MANLOAF AND I'M HAVING SECONDS.
>> I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR SECRET INGREDIENT IS, IT'S SO
GOOD.
HMMMM, HMMMM, HMMMM.
BUT EVEN TRUMP'S BEST FRIENDS AT FOX, THE FOX & FRIENDS HAVE BEEN
FLAILING A BIT TO DEFEND TRUMP'S COMMENTS IN HELSINKI.
>> WELL, LOOK, THERE'S A DIFF-- YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE
GET CONFUSED.
>> I'M NOT SAYING THE PRESIDENT IS CONFUSED.
>> WELL, LOOK, IF THERE IS A DIFF-- AND THE PRETION-- NOT A
LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE LYING-- NOT THE PRESIDENT IS
LYING AND BLAH LaLaLaLa, IS IT OVER YET?
(APPLAUSE) WELL, FOX NEWS MIGHT BE
STRUGGLING TO COME UP WITH POSITIVE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THE
PRESIDENT'S PERFORMANCE IN HELSINKI.
BUT YOU KNOW WHO CAN ALWAYS MUSTER PRAISE FOR THE PRESIDENT,
IS THE FOLKS AT OUR IN-HOUSE NEWS TEAM, REAL NEWS TONIGHT.
JIM?
WELCOME TO REAL NEWS TONIGHTS, I'M JILL NEWS LADY.
>> AND I'M JIM ANCHORTON.
>> OUR TOP STORY, PRESIDENT TRUMP MET WITH A PUTIN IN
HELSINKI.
>> THAT CERTAINLY HAPPENED.
>> AND WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THAT, JIM?
>> WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING FIRST, JILL?
>> OKAY.
YEAH.
MY MOM ALWAYS SAID IF YOU CAN'T SAY SOMETHING NICE, JUST LET THE
MAN TALK.
>> WELL, MY MOM ALWAYS SAID IT'S NOT POLITE TO TALK WITH YOUR
MOUTH FULL AND IT'S TIME FOR MY PILLS.
>> THOSE LOOK GOOD.
THOSE LOOK GOOD, DID YOU BRING ENOUGH FOR MAMA.
>> NO.
>> OKAY.
I KNOW, LET'S CHECK IN WITH OUR NUMBER ONE TRUMP FAN, WEATHERMAN
SUNNY SHOWERS, SUNNY.
>> WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOUR TONIGHT.
ANDERSON KEERP AND ANDY COHEN ARE HERE.
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?