- Every year, suicide is among the top 20
leading causes of death in people of every age,
and in fact, every walk of life, globally.
800,000 people a year die from suicide.
That is one every 40 seconds.
And together we can do something about this.
So we're all scared of suicide,
and that make sense.
So many of us have lost someone to suicide
and we get into the,
"If only, you know, I didn't know,"
or, "I didn't know what to do."
And we get into that horrible,
"I could have, would have, should have."
I lost a very, very dear friend to suicide a few years ago.
And I work with so many clients who feel suicidal.
In fact, three years ago,
I was working abroad with 14 suicidal teenagers,
all very high risk.
And when I talked to them all individually, and as a group,
they all said the same thing.
They said, "I want to belong to someone.
"I want to feel I matter.
"I want to feel I am significant."
And that was a big clue to me.
So let me help you.
If you're dealing with someone who you feel is suicidal,
what are the signs to look out for?
Well, they're very common.
People who are suicidal disconnect.
They disconnect from you.
They disconnect from life.
They shut themselves away,
they find it very hard to engage.
Why do they do that?
Because they have a feeling of,
"I'm not worth anything,
"I'm just a burden.
"I've got nothing to offer,
"you would be better off without me."
Now I had a family member much older than me
who tried to kill herself many years ago.
And people would say, "But, that's so selfish.
"What about your children?
"How could you do that?"
When I spoke to her, she was like,
I've never, ever forgotten.
She was like, "I was in so much pain.
"Imagine the worst physical pain
"and you want the pain to end.
"Well that was the mental pain I was in.
"I walked into the sea because
"I just couldn't bear the pain."
In fact, she was brought out of the sea.
She went on to live a happier life.
And it's very important to note
that suicide is not selfish.
People who want to end their life,
feel their life isn't worth living.
They don't feel valued, appreciated, celebrated.
And even if they did, the pain they are in is so unbearable,
they want it to stop.
So first of all,
you need to recognize this.
You need to recognize if you have a friend,
a child, a family member who feels like
they want to end their life,
they feel useless,
they feel a burden and you need to talk to them
and make them know they are not a burden
that they are significant.
They are valued, that you need them.
You see, people who want to end it,
you have to help them feel they matter.
They're worth it.
The second thing is that
the mind finds it very hard to future pace.
When you say to someone,
"Next year, it'll all be different."
Try saying to a bullied kid,
"You know, bullying, when you're 14, it won't matter."
When you are in the moment and the moment is so painful,
it's hard to even imagine that moment won't be there.
That's why, when you're in intense physical pain,
you can't even imagine it will end.
But of course it does.
And your job is to help that person see that it will end.
There's a wonderful video on YouTube that I love.
And it's about a man who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge
in San Francisco, wanting to end his life.
As he jumped, he had a thought,
"Oh, this is a mistake.
"I want to live."
Luckily for him,
he was pulled out of the water.
He did live and he gives an amazing talk on YouTube
about what it was like to want to end his life
and how he is so glad he hasn't.
And for many people wanting to end their life,
hearing someone else who felt exactly the same helps.
Because if you try to talk,
they go, "You don't understand, how could you?
"You're happy,
"how could you understand?"
And there's a great sense of shame too,
in people who want to end it.
'Cause they'll hear about, well someone else, you know,
they'd love to live and they're dying of cancer.
And here's you wanting to throw your life away.
You can never guilt trip, or shame, or blame
anyone who wants to end it,
but you can show them
some great videos and books written by people
who felt just like them.
And that will often send them a glimmer of,
"Oh, there really is hope, someone else felt like me
"and they got better."
Cause you can never go,
"Hey, I know how you feel."
You don't know how someone feels.
In fact, you can't even imagine how it must feel
to want to end your life.
And I just worked this month with someone who said,
"You know, living doesn't interest me.
"I really want to end my life.
"I'm so peaceful about it.
"I'm not even upset.
"I just want to go."
And I worked with her
and now she doesn't feel like that at all.
So first of all,
understand why, it may not make sense to you,
but for someone else,
they are in severe emotional pain,
worse than the worst physical pain you could imagine.
It's agony.
They want it to end.
Understand that and recognize the symptoms.
Of course, as a classic, they're withdrawn,
but we know that many kids
spend their life shut in their room,
but it's withdrawing from everything.
They don't have any interest in eating.
They don't have any interest in doing things with you.
But there's another thing.
Some people who are thinking of killing themselves
actually get better, because you know what?
They can see an end in sight.
For the next week, they might seem happy, even joyful
because they are planning an end to the pain.
If you are with someone who has many suicidal signs,
withdrawn, opting out, not eating, sleeping all the time.
Not talking, not comminicating and they suddenly seem happy.
Be very aware that this can be the last thing
before they actually make a decision to end it.
So how can you help these people?
Talk to them,
tell them they matter.
Tell them they are significant.
Tell them there is a future.
Be there for them.
And sometimes you can do real practical things.
For instance, people who feel like they want to end it.
They don't eat healthy food. What's the point?
They're not worth anything.
They have a belief, "I'm not worthy of help.
"And even if you could help me, it wouldn't work.
"There's no help for people like me."
And that isn't true.
You must make them know there is help.
They are absolutely worthy of it.
You must let them know,
"I'm always here for you,
"you can ring me anytime, day or night
"and I'll just listen."
And when people are telling you how bad they feel, don't go,
"Oh, I know, I know how you feel."
You don't know.
You need to go,
"I can't even imagine the pain you're in, but I'm here.
"I'm here to listen.
"Is there anything practical I can do?"
Often just turning up with a hot meal,
something nourishing that you have cooked could help.
Letting someone know that you care, could help.
We've all heard the story about the man
who decided to end his life
and he's on a walk along the street.
And if one person smiles at me, I won't do it.
And luckily for him, right at the end, one person smiled.
And then he felt maybe life is worth living.
Many people when a relationship ends say,
"I can't cope with the pain,"
or someone else has died,
a child or partner, they can't cope with the pain.
And you are there to show them that life can get better,
it may not seem it in that moment,
but sorrow ends, grief ends,
mental pain, physical pain ends, it will pass.
So be there and just be someone they can call day or night.
Just be someone who listens.
And remember, you don't have to say anything,
except, "I'm here for you.
"I will always be here for you.
"If there's anything you need tell me,
it is an honor for me to do that for you."
Do everything you can to make that person not
feel like a burden,
do everything you can to show them
there is hope.
One of the things I did for someone
who wanted to end their life was I found some books
instead of saying,
"Hey, read this book," because when you're suicidal,
you don't want to read a book.
I highlighted only the pages they needed to read.
I underlined only the chapters or the paragraphs
they needed to read and they said,
"That was so helpful.
"I could open the book at a page you had bookmarked
"and just read one thing, one phrase,
"and it gave me a glimmer of hope.
"And the next day I read just one more phrase.
"I couldn't concentrate on anything
"'cause I was so depressed.
"But every day I read one little paragraph and every day
"that glimmer became brighter and brighter
"but, you know what I could,
"one day write a paragraph or a book like this.
"I could help someone else."
And so that person went from feeling useless to useful.
And when I worked with those 14 kids
who all wanted to kill themselves
and they all said, "My parents don't understand me.
"My parents expect too much of me.
"My parents expect nothing of me."
You see?
It was interesting that in that group,
I had kids who were pushed
so much to be academic, to achieve,
and they couldn't cope with the pressure,
and others who said,
"My parents couldn't care less, they don't even notice
"if I'm here or not, they're not interested.
"My dad's got a new family.
"My mom's got a new boyfriend.
"I don't matter."
You know, we'll often hear that word.
"I felt so insignificant," and that's truly horrible.
Do anything and everything to make that person
feel significant, to make them feel they matter.
Help them join support groups,
where they can talk to other people
who've been where they were
and who really and truly understand.
Be there, listen, take them round nice food,
candles, if you like.
Anything that you think would help.
Go out in nature, listen to birdsong,
walk barefoot in the grass, if you can,
but do not expect much, expect very little,
the smile, squeeze of your hand.
The biggest thing is letting them know
they can call you day or night
and you'll be there and you'll listen,
and you'll get in your car and turn up
if they need you because they are worth it.
Our biggest need in life is to be connected.
When we we're put on the planet,
we must find connection and avoid rejection.
That is how we know we'll make it.
If I can find connection and avoid rejection,
I'm going to survive.
Imagine being depressed and feeling,
"Well I don't have any connection, all I feel is rejection."
If you can make someone feel connected and not rejected.
If you can let them connect with you
and show them what connection is
that you really are a true friend,
that nothing is too much,
that they are worthy and that they matter.
And they can connect with one human being
and then another and another,
you've done something amazing.
And we can all do that.
So remember, recognize the warning signs,
understand why,
take the steps that help,
be there.
Don't judge, just listen, don't patronize.
Just say, "That must be awful for you,"
not, "Oh, I know how you feel,
"I've actually felt like that before.
"You might be surprised, you know I felt like ending it."
No, "That must be unbearable.
"That must be horrible.
"I'm so sorry for you that you're suffering.
"That must be terrible.
"I'm here for you.
"Can I do anything?
"Can I turn up and give you an aromatherapy massage?
"Can I book a hair appointment?
"Can I bring you some food?
"Can we watch a movie together?
"Can I just sit with you for an hour?"
But don't overdo it.
Don't say, "I'm going to move into your house
"and be with you 24 hours a day,"
because that sometimes can be too much too.
You're going to babysit someone
and be on watch all the time
and they feel that you're not there because you want to
you're there because you have to.
Even with lovely Caroline Flack,
who had a whole team of people staying with her,
she couldn't see a future.
She wanted it to end
and she took the first opportunity to make that happen.
So be there.
But the biggest thing she needed was hope.
Someone to say, "Caroline,
"the worst thing can often be the best.
"The worst possible outcome, could be the best outcome."
Give people hope anyway you can.
We can all help.
We can all make a difference
just by being there, being present.
That's all people want, be present for someone else.
Offer real help if you can, and if you can't
be there, be present.
For many people
that is more than enough
and we can all do that.