A ScrewAttack presentation...With subtitles
Wiz: Some of the greatest heroes of all time are SHUNNED by the very people they continue to protect...
Boomstick: Basically, the worst deal ever...
Wiz: ...like Beast, the Blue Genius of the X-Men...
Boomstick: and Goliath, the Gargoyle who gives new meaning to the phrase "tough as stone"!
He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick...
Wiz: ...and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE???
[Slam]
Wiz: Mutation, the key to evolution.
Wiz: The process is slow, normally taking thousands of years, but every few hundred millennia, evolution leaps forward.
Boomstick: If that means we're all eventually gonna transform into blue hairy monkey men, count me out.
Wiz: Feared by most normal people, mutants generally begin to show signs of their "uniqueness" around puberty.
Wiz: Not so for Hank McCoy.
Boomstick: Yeah... The instant he popped out, it was pretty clear that something was different about him.
Boomstick: Namely the giant monkey hands and feet! Woo! That must have been rough on the way out.
Boomstick: He better give dear old mom double the presents on Mother's Day.
Wiz: Though Hank successfully hid his mutation from the world throughout his adolescent life...
Wiz: ...he was eventually discovered and shunned.
Wiz: Constantly harassed and eventually kicked out of his own school, he was left to wallow in loneliness.
Boomstick: Until good old Wheels showed up and offered him a place on the mutant group known as the X-Men.
Boomstick: Hank took on the nickname that was previously used to degrade him, and transformed it into something new: His codename, "The Beast"!
[X-Men music]
Boomstick: As an X-Man, Beast became an integral member of this uncanny team.
Boomstick: His superhuman strength, speed, and durability let him go toe-to-toe with baddies like The "Immovable" Blob, and Kraven the Hunter.
Wiz: But Beast was a genius, like yours truly, and quickly completed his doctoral studies.
Wiz: Eventually leaving the X-Men, he became a leading researcher in mutant genetics.
Wiz: Desperate to "cure" the mutant phenomenon, Beast developed a serum which he theorized would temporarily counteract the mutated genes in his body.
Boomstick: Except it kind of did the opposite.
Boomstick: Poor guy, now he truly was a beast.
Boomstick: His transformation wasn't all bad though...
Boomstick: Fuzzy Beast could outlift over 10 tons, run over 40 miles per hour, and jump over 25 feet in the air!
Wiz: He also had a wicked healing factor, which made him essentially bullet proof.
Wiz: But this was nerfed dramatically from healing instantaneously, to over a couple of hours when Quasimodo's experiments turned him blue.
Boomstick: For a scientific genius, he never did quite figure out how to turn back to his old self.
Boomstick: I mean, he's been able to turn into a Cat-Man, a Horse-Man, Blue Kelsey Grammer, and even Sasquatch.
Boomstick: Somehow, he always ends up as his classic, blue ape self.
Wiz: Now unable to hide in plain site, The Beast had little choice but to return to the X-Men as a teacher, and a leader.
"As my research makes evident, it is possible to enhance the intelligence of Mullusca Cephalopoda."
"Such as the squid, to the same level as that of the average human."
"Even a little... above average."
"I'm afraid I must leave early, so I'll hand you over to my new teaching assistant, Mr. Cephalopod."
*Laughter*
"Calm down everyone!"
"Now, where were we?"
"Ah yes, the neurological aspects of cognitive intelligence."
"Were there any questions, hmm?"
Boomstick: Beast isn't just a genius. He's also a ridiculously strong fighter.
He has survived hits from the Juggernaut, smashed open a tank with his bare fists...
...and hit the ground with a punch so hard, he created an Earth shattering shockwave!
AND LIFTED A SOLID GOLD OAK TREE!
Wiz: A cubic foot of Gold weighs approximately 1 ton.
Comparing the diameter of the tree to Hank's height, it's reasonable to believe that this golden tree weighs at least 60 tons.
Boomstick: Or a "shitton" to be precise.
Wiz: Despite his athletic skill and enormous strength, Beast is a pacifist, preferring diplomacy over fisticuffs.
He is rarely eager to enter a fight.
In combat, he usually relies on his teammates to throw punches while he holds back to come up with game winning strategies using his brilliant mind.
Like the time he figured out how to use Juggernaut's own bulk against him.
"As Archimedes said when he discovered the principle of displacement..."
"Eureka!"
Boomstick: But when he gets angry, he'll enter a rage which makes him so uncontrollably fierce, he's a danger even to his closest friends.
Literally unleashing the beast within!
Wiz: Beast's monstrous appearance remained a permanent part of his life.
He was never truly accepted by society.
And even had to leave the woman he loved for fear she would become a target of mutant haters.
Boomstick: But if he could have his way, he would spend his days hanging from the ceiling with a nice cup of tea reading Shakespeare.
But we don't always get what we want, so he'll have to settle for kicking ass!
"Faint heart, perverted feet and many a tear in our opposed path to persevere."
"A minor poet for a minor obstacle."
[Wham]
Wiz: 1000 years ago, superstition had soared..
It was a time of darkness, it was a world of fear...
It was the age... of gargoyles.
AND badass cartoon intros!
Wiz: Stone by day, warriors by night...
...gargoyles used to be common throughout the world.
Like the stone statues they inspired, gargoyles were known as protectors.
Guarding their home and those inside were always their top priority!
Boomstick: It's not every day your garden statue is also your top bill bodyguard!
Then I would have a shitload more lawn gnomes!
Wiz: In the year 994 AD, a clan of gargoyles formed a symbiotic relationship with the humans of a Scottish castle.
Using their superhuman strength, keen senses & fierce spirit, the gargoyles defended the castle from invaders at night...
...in return, their human allies would watch over them during the day when they are most vulnerable.
As gargoyles turn to solid stone in daylight.
The Gargoyles were led by Goliath: an creature with an voice so sexy, it makes humans turn to stone!
If you know what I'm sayin'...
"YOU are trespassing."
Wiz: Unfortunately, due to their beastly appearance, Goliath's clan eventually faced unjust prejudice from the very humans under their protection.
"We are most seriously displeased to allow BEASTS in the dining hall."
"These are unnatural creatures. No good can come from associating with them."
Boomstick: If that wasn't bad enough, Goliath was betrayed by his closest human friend.
Causing nearly his ENTIRE clan to be smashed to bits!
Then the few that did survive were magically sealed in stone FOREVER by an misinformed wizard!
Talk about an shitty Monday!
Sealed in stone forever... or until one very specific, seemly impossible criteria was met!
"The terms of the spell depict that they would sleep... until the castle rises above the clouds."
Wiz: And when he says "above the clouds", he means it literally!
So... stone they remained for an thousand years until in 1994-
SOME billionaire with a name that sounds like a anti-depressant just happened to be crazy enough to try something!
Boomstick: Xanthos moved EVERY last stone of the ancient castle to the top of his New York skyscraper...
...which happens to poke above the clouds!
The cost of which must been astronomical...
"Don't disappoint me..."
(thunder cracks repeatedly)
(stone cracking)
(beastly growling)
Goliath: "RRROOOOAAAAHHH!!!!!"
Wiz: The curse was broken, the gargoyles awoke once again and Goliath was tasked with leading his clan into the modern world...
Despite being completely out of his element, Goliath adapted surprisedly fast!
Boomstick: You mean, he was texting and watching cat videos in no time?!
No, this was the 90's.
OHHH, so he wore crazy-colored clothing and used nonsensical description words like "Bodacious" "Radical!" or...
"AHH, haleopiyah."
"Haleopiyah..."
"Haleopiyah."
"Haleopiyah!"
"Haleopiyah..."
"Haleopiyah?"
"Haleopiyah!"
"HAL...HALEOPI....!"
Damnit!
Wiz: Turns out, Goliath was naturally suited to traverse the broad expanse of the city with his enormous wings.
Though to be clear, Goliath insists that he can't fly; only glide on a whim.
Boomstick: Which I insist is BULLshit! What else would you call what's happening right here other than friggin' flying!?
Regardless of wind direction and speed, it seems Goliath has no trouble "gliding" wherever he wants to go.
He only has issues taking off from the ground, requiring an elevated point to start from...
Good thing he can scale giant skyscrapers from ground level without breaking an sweat!
Goliath is strong enough to lift a car, create a small earthquake and tear through steel with his bare claws like it was wet paper!
He's fast enough to keep pace with foes using rocket-powered flight...
...and he's tough enough to survive an fall over 100 feet!
He was even able to keep "gliding" after being shot by an Nazi plane machine gun while fighting in World War II.
He traveled through time.. it was weird...
Goliath may look like a brutal monster (and he certainly can be when he goes into a rage)...
...however, he's actually rather clever and wise.
He was able to outsmart Oberon who is practically an all-powerful, magical god.
And when Goliath's not leading his clan into battle or struggling to have a relationship with a human detective...
BOUNDARIES!!
...he is usually holed up in his castle's library reading.
Wise & powerful, Goliath is a true force of nature... for 12 hours a day.
Wiz: Right... the other 12, he is a motionless stone statue.
Making him an pretty easy target!
Even when he's awake, Goliath often puts himself in danger for the sake of others, regardless of the risk.
Boomstick: Hey, he's managed to survive for over a thousand years and believe me when I say...
...you do NOT want to be on this gargoyle's bad side!
"My name is Goliath. And I belong to no one!"
"STOP whining!"
"A Gargoyle doesn't whine."
"HE RROOAAARRRSSS!!!"
Alright, the combatants are set!
Let's end this debate once and for all!
It's time for a Death BBAAATTTTLLLLEEEE!!!
(stone crackling)
(BBBOOOMMM!!)
(Goliath roars)
Fight!!
RRYYAAARRR...!
(ROARING)
"COME ONNN!!"
GGrrr..
(Goliath roaring)
K.O!!
They never show ya that shit on 90's cartoons!
Wiz: Beast & Goliath were pretty even in terms of strength and speed, making this more so a battle of wits and experience.
Beast was always more of a team-player, preferring to not fight directly unless absolutely necessarily.
And since Goliath spent decades defending his ancient castle and New York from Vikings, thugs, magic beings and ghosts...
...his combat experience trumped Beast's!
Also, be careful not to misinterpret Beast's golden tree feat.
While it might sound far more impressive than anything Goliath has done...
...Beast did not actually lift the WHOLE 60+ ton tree off the ground!
It's nothing surpassing his usual feats.
Boomstick: And one time, Goliath got nailed in the back by an anti-aircraft round.
That's right... Goliath got SHOT by a gun designed to destroy airplanes...
...got back up and dropped a radio tower on the fools who tried it!
Wiz: And Beast didn't wait 'til sunrise for a advantage for two reasons: one, he didn't know what will happen because gargoyles in his universe...
...don't share the "stone by day" rule.
And second, Beast isn't tough enough to stand against Goliath for 12 hours straight.
Finally, Beast has fought somebody similar to Goliath named the Gremlin and only survived the fight due to his fellow X-Man, Angel, to help him.
In the end... Beast just didn't have the heart to keep up with the gargoyle.
The Winner... is Goliath!
Next time onn Death Battle...
"It's Showtime!"
Hey, guys! Thanks for watching! I'm Ben, I play Wiz.
And I'm Chad, I play Boomstick.
And uh... next time on Death Battle, Soild Snake!
We had Snake requested over and over and over again for YEARS!
And actually... we received different votes for matchups.
Wanna see, guys, who he's fighting? Make sure to go and follow our social media page wherever it's @screwattack on Twitter or Facebook.com/OfficalSA.
'Cause we're announcing his combatant... very soon.
But in the meantime, be sure to check out the latest Game Overthinker!
And... the latest Desk of Death Battle which is all about how Tony Stark's brain tumor once saved the world!
That one's SO ridiculous, you have to watch it...
So, you know, thanks for watching Death Battle! We hope you enjoyed the episode and if you do, be sure to like, subscribe and tell all your friends about it!
And we'll see you guys next time!
Later!!