Alright so this is from Sean, it says,
“Got any best man speech ideas or stories?”
Best man speech ideas.
This is what I-
‘cause I got roasted at my wedding. So...
It was my dad. My dad did me the dirtiest.
They always say it’s like the ones who are closest to you
do you the worst.
But I would say,
just go over with your friend in advance,
“Where’s the line?”
Because it’s the first time
you’re gonna be kinda performing and roasting
your friend in front of their in-laws.
So just be like,
“Alright, what do you want them to know
and not know?”
You just gotta set boundaries.
Because you can’t be like,
“Remember that time we went to badadada?”
You gotta make sure
“badadada” is kosher.
So, I’ll just say that. Sean, just remember that.
Ok. “If you were able to host a music festival and curate your own lineup,
who would be your top three headliners?”
I would say
Vince Staples.
Uhhh,
Kanye— you gotta have Kanye.
And uh,
hologram Beethoven.
That’d be just cool because you have the hologram,
“ba ba ba buuum.”
I think it’d be cool.
Alright, “What do you think of AOC?”
Ok.
Alright so, I feel like with this question,
it would be
kind of inauthentic for me to answer...
let’s see what Desus & Mero have to say.
Give it up for Desus & Mero!
What’s up!
What’s up y’all?
Desus & Mero you guys!
I told you we had special guests!
My guy!
We had to switch up the comedy book report.
Look at this. Look at this, you guys.
Wow.
Oh shit. Yo, yo, yo. Please.
You alright? You good?
Carry me off the court!
We suing!
I know, man.
You can’t blow out an ACL.
You can’t do that shit.
Showtime will fuck me over man.
I just need potassium. Get me a banana.
You guys coming from work right now?
Yeah.
You guys don’t know this, they work across the street.
So we all just text each other.
We “work” across the street.
Um,
wait, we were just talking,
you got in trouble with Taylor Swift and their fans.
Yes.
Taylor Swift’s fans are the most foul people on the planet.
They’re tryna—
yo, they’re wild!
Like, yo, we were on
Jimmy Fallon and I made a very innocuous joke
about Taylor Swift,
and now they’re trying dox me and my kids and shit!
The best part, they was like, “Yo—”
He had the cops called on him, right? Was it the FBI or the cops?
The FBI was like, “What the fuck is this?”
Then they bumped it down to like the local cops.
Then the local cops came to our apartment and they were like,
“Yo, uh,
I guess Taylor Swift’s got money on your head bro, I don’t know.”
How serious are their fans, cause like, you’ve gone-
you go at a lot of people.
Yo, Taylor Swift fans have been by far the worst.
They’re like, “Yo, you should die!”
Yeah, but it’s like—
“You should be killed and skinned alive at the town square!”
It’s like beefin’ with fourth graders though,
because they’re like, “Go lick a toilet.” And I’m like...
Yeah!
And I’m like, “Alright, that’s cool.”
“Yeah! Eat poop!”
Yeah.
They’re like, “You’re mad. Oh, you’re probably like, twenty-five.”
“Yeah!”
I was like, “Thank you!”
The followers go up?
- Oh yeah. - Hell yeah.
Is anyone here a Taylor Swift fan?
Say no.
What’s up?
Why are people so crazy about Taylor Swift?
Like, what is it with the—
(Well, she’s inspirational.)
(She has great songs? I don’t know?)
So is Dipset. But I’m not out there-
Security! Security!
I’m not out there threatening people for Cam’ron.
- Security! - So is Dipset...
You always respond to people on Twitter.
I do, I do.
You guys gotta follow @thekidmero.
He’s like—
he fully engages.
- Yeah. Yeah. - I’m not built for Twitter warfare.
But that’s why he ended up in Twitter jail.
Several times. So.
I’m a predicate Twitter felon, bro. How many times you’ve been banned?
Like yo, I just let the draco off.
If you come into my mentions with some funny shit,
like I am going to eviscerate you and your entire family.
No, I’m just having nice conversations with Chris Hayes.
Like, I want no trouble.
Twice though, right?
Yeah,
twice. First time it was—
and it’s always the battle of the stans.
First, Eminem stans first, who are terrible.
Oh, you went at Eminem?
Listen,
I did not go at Eminem.
I just made the casual observation
that he has made nothing but guidance counselor music
for the past fifteen years.
Which is, I feel like that’s pretty accurate.
Wow. wow.
Am I lyin’?
Does he not make Navy Seal commercial music
for the past decade?
It’s very inspirational. It’s very-
You know what I’m sayin’?
That’s fair.
It’s physical rehab music.
Where you learn how to walk again.
- Yeah! - That kind of thing.
Like, “Yo. I gotchu.”
They’re like, “Yo, take your steps. I gotchu.”
“I’m not afraid!”
You know what I’m saying?
His music is the type of shit when you go in your guidance counselor’s office,
he turns the chair backwards, sits on it-
“What’s up pal? Let’s rap.” “What’s up, dude?”
Yeah.
“Hey, mind if I play some tunes?”
Like, come on dog.
So, then Eminem fans came after you
and you just went-
They went hard and I was just like,
“Yo. Brrrahh!” You know what I’m sayin’?
And then Twitter was just like,
“No.
Stay off Twitter for two days.”
And then it was the Nicki Minaj stans.
And then it was like,
“Yo, you are staying off Twitter for seven days.”
The best part is this,
I wake up in the morning,
and find out he’s let off like fifty tweets,
and like, now, I’m involved in it.
And I was thinking like, “What are you doing?”
Yo, so when you found out that the president became the president right,
DJT,
and you found out like,
“Oh, this dude’s just popping off,”
Did you ever feel like there was a double standard?
There’s definitely a double standard.
Because it’s like yo, he says whatever the fuck he wants.
He could be like,
“Yo, we’re gonna bomb Australia tomorrow!
Fuck them motherfuckers.”
“I hate kangaroos!”
You know what I’m sayin’?
- Nothin’. - Nothin’.
But then I’m like, “Uhh-”
I didn’t like “Not Afraid” and they’re like-
“‘Not Afraid’ was kinda like ehh.”
And they’re like, “nigger monkey!”
- I’m like woah! Woah! - You kinda gotta respect
Trump’s tweet game though.
He’s a regular tweeter guy.
He’s getting these tweets off...
He don’t care. He just fires them off with typos and all.
Alright, Mero. Were you at Coachella?
He wasn’t.
You went?
He has four kids.
If he went to Coachella with four kids, I’m callin’ DYFS.
Did you have fun at Coachella?
Coachella was-
the whole thing-
You know if you have fun at Coachella if you don’t die.
And I didn’t die.
- Okay. - So.
The highlight of it,
I woke up and Nick from The Bachelor was
giving me an IV. So...
You just woke up and some dude from The Bachelor was-
I didn’t know who he was.
That’s hilarious.
I thought he owned the place.
I was like, “Okay.”
How many people—
be honest— how many black people go to Coachella?
It was me, Donald Glover, uhh.
Like- Was Kendrick Lamar there?
I think he was.
-I just feel like this is not a thing!
It’s not really...Listen,
standing in the desert for eight hours,
and then paying like $12 for water,
ahhhh that’s not really something I was raised to do.
I went to Governor’s Ball one year—
shoutout to Ezra Koenig—
and I was invited, and I was just like,
“Oh, this is- y'all enjoy walking through mud?
And listening to music from two miles away? Ok, cool, like-”
But the highlight of Coachella I paid $60 for a pizza.
And that was the best pizza I’ve ever had, because I was so drunk.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
I know my accountant was like,
“Yo, are you okay out there?”
I was like, “Yeaaah.”
I was like, “I’m moving out here.”
“Yeah.”
How were the acts? Were the acts good?
The acts were great.
I didn’t know I know every Ariana Grande song ever.
Are you serious?
I was like, “Aww Seven Rings! Oh oh oh oh oh.”
Like, it was very embarrassing.
It’s just like osmosis.
Like, if you walk past Forever 21,
you’re gonna learn every Ariana Grande song.
That’s hilarious.
I feel like-
I feel like you guys are the go-to dudes, you can ask them any topic.
Just off the top of the dome, you guys can talk about it.
What do you guys think about the royal baby named Archie?
- It’s named Archie? - Yeah.
Why’d they give him-?
With that name, he’s already thirty-seven.
- That’s a wild old name. - Come on, man.
They gonna name the brother Jughead, bro?
Isn’t one of the babies named George?
- It’s George, right? - (Yeah.)
One of the babies is named George.
George and Archie?
Yeah, they’re like perpetually forty-seven years old.
Damn!
Yeah. They’ve already got the receding hairline.
They’re the ones kicking us out of our seats at Yankee Stadium.
Like, “Hey, those are our seats pal, beat it.”
George...
They can never be king, right?
They’re like way down in the pecking order.
Where are they in line? They’re like the-
(Seventh. Sixth.)
Nobody even knows. He said seven, she said six.
(Archie’s seventh.)
Where are they?
(Archie’s seventh, and then what’s George?)
- (Sixth.) - Sixth?
So, see, unless
they do the wild Game of Thrones red wedding thing,
they ain’t never gonna be king.
Never.
You feel like the royal baby is overhyped?
- Hell yeah! - Super overhyped, bruh.
My wife’s super into the royal baby.
- Why? - I don’t understand.
I don’t know!
Like, you never see a baby on a subway and you’re like, But think about it.
“I am in love with this baby.”
But first of all if you say that, that’s a whole other problem.
Like, the royal baby is like the original,
like limited release sneaker.
It’s like the OG-
I don’t know about that.
-colonialism, like British.
Yo, these are the Imperial... yo, Colonizer One Lows!
You know what I’m sayin’?
If you think about it, the royal baby was like the original trustafarian.
Think about it: this baby came out, it’s gonna be good for life,
it never has to work, it has mad money, and it’s just gonna be an asshole.
- Okay. - That’s what I call a baby asshole.
He’s just chillin’ in a crib watching Peppa Pig all day.
“Want tea, mate?”
“Smoking that loud pipe , eh?”
Alright so, is it a waste of time—
because I have a very mixed opinion about this—
is it a waste of time to watch every season of Game of Thrones?
Or can you just watch the last one?
-No. - Because
you’re just watching the last one, right?
-I’m the one. - I binge.
You’re just diving right in.
I don’t know any of the characters’ names,
and I just watch it and call people during the show.
He’s that guy. He’s that guy. See, so-
I’m like, “Yo, who’s shorty with the blonde hair?”
- I’m like, “wait.” - How do you like it?
How do you like it?
It’s dark.
And not dark like, “Oh no, this is creepy.”
It’s dark like, “I cannot see anything.”
You gotta turn your brightness, like, all the way up.
And then like,
because I haven’t been there the whole time,
I’m like, “Yo, everyone’s been going crazy for this show,
it must be wild.” I’m like, “Oh, there’s dragons,
they’re gonna mess things up with these dragons.”
And they were like, “pew-pew”
and the dragons died.
And I was like, “Yo, y’all been waiting
- eight seasons for this?” -And that’s it?
But he’s been watching it from-
How is it?
I fuck with it.
But the thing is that this season,
I haven’t watched because I’m a binger.
Uh-huh.
So I like to watch like
five, six, seven episodes or something in a row.
How do you get time, bro? You have four kids.
Yeah, I just put them to sleep,
I eat mad edibles, and I’m just like, “Yo, word.”
I have no idea how Mero does anything.
It’s wild.
He’s got four fucking kids, man.
You know what I’m sayin’?
I have one, I’m dying bro.
You’re good!
I’m barely doing this show. I barely can do this show.
You’re chilling though!
It’s you and your wife, you know what I’m saying,
it’s a double team.
Every time your kid catches a ball in the post,
you’re both double teaming them, like, “Yo!”
He’s not scoring on you.
You know what I’m saying? He’s got no moves.
My favorite Mero moment.
We’re sitting next to each other at work.
And he’s on the phone he’s like, “What? Aight. Damn.”
So I was like, “Alright, what happened?”
And he was like, “Nah, she pregnant again.”
That’s how you found out?
Well, that was baby number three.
That was baby number three! That was baby number three!
I’m eating food and I was like, “Why am I more concerned than you?”
Eddie, was that what it was like when you have multiple?
Is that what the second one was like?
(No, no. Well, I mean, I only have two so I don’t know what it is for the third.)
The third, that’s when you fuck up!
‘cause it’s like now,
like I was telling him, he’s double teaming.
You were playing man-to-man defense.
I’m playing zone.
You feel me?
And my knees are shaky.
You know what I’m sayin’?
My third is mad agile bro.
He can just break the secondary and score easy touchdowns.
And he’s got—
you gotta have all hands on deck, right?
At all times, bro.
And you went the opposite direction. You’ve got no kids.
No kids. Mad sneakers.
I got sneakers too.
You know what time I wake up on Saturday?
Like 6 pm.
That’s crazy.
What time do you wake up on Saturday?
Bro, I wake up like the fuckin’ Rock.
But I don’t work out.
It’s just five o’clock, and the baby’s up.
You know when The Rock is like, “I’m up at 4:30 working out.”
Yeah, eating twenty chicken breasts.
I’m just like, “I’m up at 4:30, changing these diapers.”
Yeah.
It’s the same thing.
Yeah.
You know what’s crazy though,
you have all the kids, but you still have hobbies.
- Yeah. - Like, my hobbies just died.
They just ended.
You gotta make sure that your kids- You know what it is.
get them on a schedule, and put them in bed early.
Like I told my kids like, “Yo. Listen.”
4 pm. In.
I don’t give a fuck...
Sunlight. Go down.
Yo, I don’t give a fuck if the sun is still out.
You going to bed dog.
Like, because you need to sleep.
I gas them up. I’m like,
“Yo, if you sleep a lot, you grow mad tall.
You know what I mean?
You can play basketball.
You know what I mean? You can be like Aaron Judge.”
And they’re like “Really?!”
And I’m like “Yeahhh.”
“So let me just read you this little book real quick,
you know what I’m sayin’?
Take this melatonin.
Night, night.”
You gotta- be real, you have a favorite right?
you have a favorite right?
I’m not gonna lie, yeah, I do.
Yeah! Thank you!
Eddie, you’re such-
every parent that I talk to is like,
“There’s no favorites.
We all love the kids equally.”
I’m like, “that’s bullshit.”
- That’s bullshit. - Wow.
My parents have told me
who the favorites are. We know this.
You know what’s crazy?
It’s one thing if your parents have a favorite,
it’s another thing if your parent has a TV show and has a favorite.
Those kids gonna be in therapy bro.
I mean, like, I have three boys, and the last
chapter was my daughter.
So it’s like, it was very special for me.
You know what I’m sayin’?
It’s like, “Oh, I have a daughter, you know like so...”
Maybe if she gets older and she’s like, “Fuck you, Dad!”
then she’ll move down in the power rankings.
But for now she’s at the top.
You know what I mean? Like ESPN does it every year.
You’re open and available to be convinced?
Oh yeah!
Free agency is always open.
You don’t gotta wait ‘til July bro.
If you wanna move up in the rankings, just holler.
For you, when you watch him,
is it one of those things like, you know how if you have a sibling,
and like, you have a brother or sister
that like has a bunch of kids,
you see what their life is like and you’re like, “I go the exact opposite.”
You know what it’s like - do you ever watch Intervention?
I mean, I know what an intervention is
but I haven’t seen it.
I watch that, and I’m like, “yo, I gotta make better life choices bro.”
Nah, but he makes being a father look lit.
I didn’t even know you could lie to your kids.
- That changes everything. - Yeah!
Yo, kids are mad gullible bro.
I didn’t know that.
They’re mad gullible.
They believe you?
- They believe everything yo. - Even the– Don't you have like a nine-year-old?
The eight-year-old will come up to me and be like,
“Yo, Santa Claus is bullshit. I know.”
I’m like, “Good, I’m glad you know.
Because I’m Santa Claus, motherfucker. I work for this shit.”
They have that-
We’re gonna do the last one?
(Yeah.)
This is my favorite question of them all.
(Perfect.)
- And I have to ask Desus & Mero. - (You got it.)
This is the question.
“What’s the one thing you would do if you woke up white?”
Yo, that’s a good question.
That’s the question.
Good question.
That is the question.
Yo, listen.
Remember that song?
“24 Hours to Live.” With The Lox?
With DMX and The Lox?
“You’ve got 24 hours to live.”
“You’ve got 24 hours to live...but you’re white.”
Like, what happens in that scenario?
My first— what I would love to do—
I’d walk up to a cop,
and poke him in the badge and be like,
“My taxes pay your salary, buster.”
Yeah! Yeah!
How ‘bout that.
Listen,
Bronx born and bred, I was like yo,
I’d just move to Jersey.
I would talk wild spicy to police.
There’s like on Route 80, there’s a highway.
And there’s an express lane and there’s a local lane,
and then there’s like a gap in between where you’re not supposed to cross
over in if there’s traffic.
I’d be like, “Fuck this shit.” I would cross over.
If the state trooper stops me, I’d be like,
“What the fuck you gonna do?”
You can’t do that right now.
“You can’t do it to me.
I’m Joe Prosciutto. Alright?”
Yeah. Yeah.
“Take it easy, pal.
My name rings bells in Oradell.”
You know what I’d do.
What would you do?
I would run in the airport.
Ohhhhhh.
I’ve never been able to run in the airport.
Yo, I feel you bro.
- Facts, facts, facts! -I’ve never been able to run.
‘Cause I’ll be with like my wife,
and we’ll just be power walking and I can’t run.
“Like, yo, I’m missing my flight, but...”
Me neither, though!
I’ve always wanted to run in the airport.
Airports make me so nervous.
After 9/11, I can’t either dog.
When they come at me I gotta be like,
“Aye papi, no! I’m Dominican. Yo speak Spanish!”
Desus and Mero, you guys. Give it up!
Thank you guys.