EVERYBODY READY TO DO IT?
BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT BECAUSE THERE IS A LOT TO TALK ABOUT ON
THIS TSUNAMI OF A NEWS DAY!
SEEMED LIKE EVERY MINUTE THERE WAS A NEW DEVELOPMENT WITH
MASSIVE IMPLICATIONS FOR OUR UNCERTAIN FUTURE.
CASE IN POINT: I WENT TO cnn.com FIRST THING THIS MORNING AND
SAW THE BANNER HEADLINE WAS, "IT'S FRIDAY BEFORE ELECTION
DAY."
BOOM!
BOMBSHELL!
THAT STORY'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
CAN WE FACT-CHECK THAT?
IS THAT TRUE?
YES, I'M BEING TOLD IT IS FRIDAY.
THEY ARE CORRECT!
THANK YOU, CNN-- AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE SOURCE FOR DAYS OF
THE WEEK.
OF COURSE, IT BEING FRIDAY IS NOT THE REAL BIG STORY.
THE REAL BIG STORY, FRESH OFF THE STEAMING-HOT PRESSES: COSTCO
IS PULLING PRODUCTS FROM ITS SHELVES THAT ARE ALLEGEDLY MADE
WITH FORCED MONKEY LABOR.
FORCED MONKEY LABOR?
THAT'S TERRIBLE.
MONKEYS SHOULD NEVER BE USED AS FORCED LABOR, UNLESS YOU HAVE
1,000 MONKEYS, GIVE THEM TYPEWRITERS, LET 'EM TYPE FOR A
MILLION YEARS.
THEY WILL EVENTUALLY WRITE TONIGHT'S MONOLOGUE.
BUT BACK TO THE NON-UNIONIZED MONKEY LABOR: THE PRODUCT IN
QUESTION IS CHAOKOH BRAND COCONUT MILK, WHICH ALLEGEDLY IS
MADE WITH THE HELP OF CHAINED-UP MONKEYS, WHO PICK AROUND 400
COCONUTS A DAY AND ARE THEN STUFFED IN THEIR CAGES UNTIL
THEIR NEXT SHIFT.
SOMEWHERE, JEFF BEZOS JUST SAID, "HOW OFTEN DO THESE MONKEYS ASK
FOR BATHROOM BREAKS?
OH, THE FLOOR IS THEIR BATHROOM?
INTERESTING.
WOULD THESE MONKEYS BE WILLING TO RELOCATE TO QUEENS?"
NOW-- THAT'S MY BEZOS, BY THE WAY.
THAT'S MY BEZOS.
NOW, ON ITS SURFACE, THIS SOUNDS LIKE A SUREFIRE MONEY SAVER.
BUT I'M SURE A MONKEY WORKFORCE HAS ITS CHALLENGES.
IN FACT, WE HAVE FOOTAGE-- DO WE HAVE THIS?
WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF A RECENT UPRISING, WHERE THE MONKEYS
STARTED ROLLING COCONUTS AT THEIR MANAGER.
( VIDEO GAME NOISES)
HE HAS THREE EXTRA LIVES.
NOW, CHAOKOH DENIES USING MONKEY LABOR TO PRODUCE ITS COCONUT
MILK, EVEN COMMISSIONING A REPORT ENTITLED THE "MONKEY-FREE
COCONUT DUE-DILIGENCE ASSESSMENT" -- WHICH, OF COURSE,
IS ALSO THE NAME OF MY FAVORITE '60s PSYCHEDELIC BAND.
I WANT TO REITERATE MY POSITION THAT EXPLOITING MONKEYS IS
ABUSE.
IT'S WRONG.
IT'S NEVER ACCEPTABLE.
EVEN WHEN IT'S FUNNY, LIKE DRESSING THEM AS ASTRONAUTS,
TEAMING THEM UP WITH CLINT EASTWOOD TO FIGHT CRIME, OR
WASHING A CAT.
BUT I WILL SAY, IF YOU DO NEED TO WASH YOUR CAT, YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO DO BETTER THAN A MONKEY FOR GETTING IN THE NOOKS AND
THE CRANNIES.
BUT AS ELVIS PRESLEY ONCE SAID, "TOO MUCH MONKEY BUSINESS."
IT'S TIME NOW TO TURN TO THE STORY THAT HAS SET THE
PUNDIT-SPHERE A-BUZZ.
IN NEW YORK, A MAN WAS WAITING FOR THE BUS WHEN A HOLE SUDDENLY
OPENED ON THE SIDEWALK, AND HE DROPPED 15 FEET INTO AN
UNDERGROUND VAULT TEEMING WITH RATS.
OKAY, LET ME SEE.
LET ME SEE ( CLEARS THROAT )
YEP, THERE IT IS ON MY 2020 BINGO CARD: 15-FOOT RAT HOLE.
RIGHT NEXT TO "HUGS KILL GRANDMA NOW."
ALSO ON HERE, Q-TIP UP MY NOSE EVERY DAY.
BY THE WAY, WHO CAN FORGET WHEN "15-FOOT RAT HOLE" OPENED FOR
"MONKEY-FREE COCONUT DUE- DILIGENCE ASSESSMENT" AT FILMORE
EAST?
NOW-- LONG WALK, BUT WORTH IT.
NOW, DON'T WORRY, THE MAN'S OKAY, THANKS TO THE MANY, MANY
BUT THERE'S FOOTAGE OF THE INCIDENT.
THERE HE IS.
AND, BOOM-TOWN RATS!
AND HE'S GONE.
OF COURSE, IT WAS MORE WHIMSICAL IN SHEL SILVERSTEIN'S BOOK,
"WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS-- OH, DEAR GOD!
IT'S FULL OF RATS, HELP ME!" NOW, FOR ALL OF YOU NOT FROM NEW
YORK, THIS IS VERY COMMON.
THERE ARE MASSIVE RAT PITS ALL OVER THE CITY, WHERE THE RATS
JUST COLLECT AND THE PRESSURE BUILDS UP, EVENTUALLY ERUPTING
IN A RAT GEYSER.
WE CALL IT "OL' RATFUL."
AND YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING, STEPHEN, "FALLING INTO A 15-FOOT
HOLE FULL OF RATS SOUNDS LIKE A NIGHTMARE."
WELL, LIZ, YOU'RE WRONG.
IT'S MUCH WORSE THAN THAT.
HERE'S THE VICTIM'S BROTHER: >> IT WAS SO BAD.
HE DIDN'T WANT TO YELL, BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID IT WAS GONNA BE
RATS, YOU KNOW, WENT INSIDE HIS MOUTH AND STUFF.
>> Stephen: AWFUL, YES, BUT ANOTHER TIMELY REMINDER ABOUT
HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO WEAR A MASK.
ANYWAY, ALL I WANT TO SAY IS COMPARED TO THE GNAWING ANXIETY
OF THE NEXT FOUR DAYS, 15-FOOT RAT HOLE SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD--
ESPECIALLY IF THOSE RATS DON'T HAVE WiFi.
PLUS, RAT PITS: STILL LESS OF A DISEASE VECTOR THAN ATTENDING A
TRUMP RALLY.
NOW, IN ADDITION TO COCONUT MONKEY SLAVES AND NEW YORK RAT
GEYSERS, THE CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO SURGE.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF:
"CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."
>> I'M GONNA DISAPPEAR ANY MINUTE NOW!
HEH!
>> Stephen: GET OUT!
GET OUT!
JIMMY!
GET OUT!
YESTERDAY, THE U.S.
SURPASSED NINE MILLION TOTAL INFECTIONS-- ANOTHER SAD
MILESTONE TO ADD TO THE 2020 LIST, ALONGSIDE MOST SOURDOUGH
EATEN AND LONGEST DURATION BETWEEN SHOWERS.
IT'S ALL RECORDED IN "THE GRIMMEST BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS."
YESTERDAY, THE U.S. ALSO REPORTED 90,000 NEW DAILY CASES,
THE EQUIVALENT OF MORE THAN ONE PER SECOND.
ONE VIRAL EXPERT EXPLAINED HOW FAST THAT IS:
>> COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID,
COVID, COVID.
>> Stephen: IT'S PRETTY DEPRESSING, BUT RECENTLY, ONE
DOCTOR WITH THE OREGON HEALTH AUTHORITY CELEBRATED HALLOWEEN
BY PUTTING A HAPPY FACE ON THE PANDEMIC.
>> AS OF TODAY, THERE HAVE BEEN 38,160 CASES OF COVID-19 IN
OREGON, WITH 390 NEW CASES BEING REPORTED TODAY.
SADLY, WE ARE ALSO REPORTING THREE DEATHS TODAY.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS, PENNYWISE.
YOU ARE NOW AMERICA'S SECOND CREEPIEST CLOWN.
BUT SOME PEOPLE SAY THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, AS DON
JUNIOR EXPLAINED ON THE FOX NEWS.
>> I WENT THROUGH THE C.D.C.
DATA.
BECAUSE I KEPT HEARING ABOUT NEW INFECTIONS, BUT I WAS LIKE,
WELL, WHY AREN'T THEY TALKING ABOUT DEATHS?
OH, OH, BECAUSE THE NUMBER IS ALMOST NOTHING.
>> Stephen: IF YOU'RE CURIOUS ABOUT HOW MUCH DON JUNIOR THINKS
IS "ALMOST NOTHING," YESTERDAY, 1,004 AMERICANS DIED FROM
CORONAVIRUS.
I WOULDN'T ASK DON JUNIOR TO GIVE A EULOGY.
( AS DON JR. )
ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON.
I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU ALL CRYING ABOUT?
YOUR GRANDPA WAS JUST ONE GUY.
IT'S ALMOST NOTHING."
ARE YOU SINGLE?
WHAT!
HE JUNIORED ON: >> WE'VE GOTTEN CONTROL OF THIS
THING.
WE UNDERSTAND HOW IT WORKS.
THEY HAVE THE THERAPEUTICS TO BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THIS.
IF YOU LOOK AT THAT, LOOK AT MY INSTAGRAM.
>> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S LOOK AT HIS INSTAGRAM.
>> HEY, GUYS.
HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL.
JUST WATCHING MY ALGORITHMS GET CRUSHED.
>> Stephen: FROM THE LOOKS OF THINGS, "INSTANT GRAM" MIGHT BE
THE NAME OF DON JUNIOR'S COCAINE DELIVERY SERVICE.
BECAUSE IT SURE SEEMS LIKE HE'S CRUSHING MORE THAN HIS
ALGORITHM.
BOTH CANDIDATES WERE ON THE ROAD TODAY.
BIDEN TRAVELED TO MINNESOTA, WISCONSIN, AND IOWA, WHILE TRUMP
CAMPAIGNED IN MICHIGAN, MINNESOTA, AND WISCONSIN.
TRUMP'S HITTING AMERICA'S HEARTLAND, HOPING THEY'LL FORGET
WHAT HE'S DONE TO AMERICA'S LUNG-LAND.
SO FAR, THE POLLS HAVE BEEN GOOD FOR BIDEN, AND NOT JUST IN THE
BLUE STATES.
HE'S CURRENTLY SLIGHTLY AHEAD IN GEORGIA, AND TEXAS IS A TOSSUP!
TEXAS-- A STATE SO CONSERVATIVE, THEIR LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR IS AN
OIL DERRICK WITH A PISTOL.
DESPITE THE GOOD NEWS ALL AROUND THE ELECTORAL MAP, PREPARE TO
PANIC.
I'LL GIVE YOU A MOMENT, OKAY, READY?
TWO POLLSTERS WHO CORRECTLY PREDICTED THAT TRUMP WOULD WIN
IN 2016, ARE SAYING THEY SEE POLLS AGAIN UNDERESTIMATING HIS
SUPPORT.
THEIR THEORY IS THAT TRUMP HAS A LOT OF SUPPORTERS WHO DON'T SHOW
UP IN THE POLLS BECAUSE THEY ARE RELUCTANT TO SHARE THEIR
OPINIONS FOR FEAR OF BEING JUDGED.
THEY CALL THEM "SHY TRUMP VOTERS."
REALLY?
"SHY TRUMP VOTERS"?
HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR RALLIES?
WHAT WOULD "SHY TRUMP VOTERS" EVEN LOOK LIKE?
"UM... EXCUSE ME, MAYBE WE COULD LOCK HER UP JUST A LITTLE OR
JUST KEEP HER IN A LITTLE ROOM, OR SOMETHING?
SHE'LL BE FINE.
MAYBE BUILD A LITTLE BIT OF THE WALL?
I'M SORRY.
STUPID, STUPID.
I HATE MYSELF.
AND IMMIGRANTS."
THE BIDEN CAMPAIGN HAS GOTTEN SOME INTERESTING HELP ONLINE,
WHERE "DOMINATRIXES HAVE BEEN GETTING THEIR SUBMISSIVES TO
VOTE BLUE."
IT MAKES SENSE.
WHO BETTER THAN A WOMAN WITH A WHIP TO WHIP THE VOTE?
ONE DOMINATRIX DOING THIS IS GODDESS GIA, A FOOT AND
FINANCIAL DOMINATRIX.
OKAY, FOOT AND FINANCIAL, SHE'S A DOUBLE MAJOR.
GOOD FOR YOU.
IN EXCHANGE FOR PROOF THAT HER SUBMISSIVES HAD VOTED FOR BIDEN,
SHE GAVE FREE CONTENT FOR A WEEK.
SHE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE GIVING OUT FREE SEXY CONTENT.
IF YOU CAN PROVE TO ME THAT YOU VOTED, I'LL GIVE YOU A WEEK'S
MEMBERSHIP TO "CBS: SERIOUSLY, WE MEAN ALL ACCESS."
YAY, PRETTY RACY.
YOU KNOW "BOB HEARTS ABISHOLA?" YOU GO VOTE, YOU GET TO SEE
BOB EGGPLANT ABISHOLA.
I'D WATCH THAT.
AND THERE'S MORE AT STAKE THAN THE SATISFACTION OF DOING YOUR
CIVIC DUTY.
YOU SEE, SUBMISSIVES HAVE TO OBEY THEIR DOMINATRIXES
AND MANY OF THESE DOMS ARE SAYING, "IF YOU DON'T
REGISTER TO VOTE, YOU DON'T GET TO FINISH."
AND UNTIL WE KNOW WHO WON, THEY'RE ALL GOING TO BE STUCK
WITH RAGING ELECTIONS.
WARNING: IF YOUR TRUMP LASTS MORE THAN FOUR YEARS, CALL YOUR
DOCTOR.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
NEIL deGRASSE TYSON IS HERE.
BU WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL BE JOINED BY A SURPRISE GUEST.
IT'S JON STEWART.
STICK AROUND.