- Look, this is marriage.
You wake up in the morning and she's there.
You come home at night and she's there.
You eat, she's there. (audience laughing)
You go to sleep, there.
And I know that sounds like a bad thing.
(audience laughing)
But it's not.
It's not.
Not if it's the right person.
Then it's good, it's good.
It's really, really good.
- I would like a minute for rebuttal.
(audience laughing)
I am gonna give you the secret to marital bliss.
- After you give it to him, why don't you let me in on it?
(audience laughing)
- You see, son, when your mother got pregnant with Robert,
the hormones turned her into a nutcase.
She cried for no reason;
two seconds later, she wanted to cuddle.
She was like demented.
(audience laughing)
- That's not true.
- Sure, it was.
You were always grabbing at me.
- (scoffing) I was pregnant with a 14-pound baby.
I needed help getting up. (audience laughing)
- Nonetheless. - So...
- Did it bother me?
No, because you cannot get upset with a crazy person.
I decided from that day on to never waste time
trying to understand your mother.
I just accept she's insane. (audience laughing)
- You're just a big phony and you know it!
- Oh, I wish Pamela could see you now!
(Debra shouting) - Okay, okay, okay.
- We'll go back, I'll tell her
about all the shaking! - All right, come on.
Stop it, you two.
- I gotta say, the counseling doesn't seem to be working.
(audience laughing)
- Now, I want you to sit down
and let's try to talk this out.
- Marie, I am not sitting down.
- Please, Debra.
I may not be a certified therapist,
but I've been told by many people that I could be.
(audience laughing)
- That's not what they mean
when they say you're certifiable.
(audience laughing)
- I happen to be very good at things relating to feelings.
(chuckling) I mean, I've been married for 45 years,
and if there's one thing I understand,
it's how awful a husband can be.
(audience laughing)
- Care for some advice?
- No. (audience laughing)
- I'll tell you what I found to be the key
to a happy marriage.
- Says the man who married a stripper,
then divorced a stripper, then married a regular person
and hung in there a whole three months.
(audience laughing)
- Want a happy marriage?
Hold hands.
- (laughing) Hold hands.
- Hold hands.
- (laughs) You are a stupid person.
(audience laughing)
- Debra wants time away from Raymond.
- It's an afternoon, Ma.
It's no big deal.
- Oh, but it is.
Raymond, dear, a marriage is about being together,
about closeness.
(Raymond scoffs) (audience laughing)
- She's right.
- What?
- It is about closeness.
About how much closeness you can take.
(audience laughing)
About how close you can get to killing her
before you kill yourself.
(audience laughing)
- You won't believe what I got in the kitchen.
- What?
- Marriage advice from Amy.
- Well, unless the advice was more sex, how dare she?
(audience laughing)
- She gave me this book because she thinks I need it.
- Who are these two idiots? (Debra scoffs)
- Can you believe Amy?
I mean, she's been married for three months.
She probably still shaves her legs.
(audience laughing)
- What do you want?
- She was crying?
- What?
Debra was crying? - Yeah.
- What did you do? (audience laughing)
- I didn't, nothing.
I just, I looked in the window
and she was sitting on the couch, crying.
- Well, I didn't tell you to go spy on her.
- Yeah, all right.
I already got that lecture from the mailman.
(audience laughing)
- Well, was she watching a sad movie or something?
- No, the TV wasn't even on.
What's she crying about?
- What are you asking me for?
Go talk to your wife.
- I can't talk to her.
Now, she'll know that I was looking in the window.
- Looking in the window.
(audience laughing)
All right, so don't ask her.
Just go back over there and see what's wrong.
You know, be a husband.
(audience laughing)
- Now, you listen to me.
Maybe you could all use some advice
from someone who's in a position to give it.
- See what you did, Amy?
(audience laughing)
- You think we have nothing to offer?
We've been married 46 years.
We've seen the lows, we've seen the highs.
- What day was the high?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)