- WELL, IT'S THE TIME OF YEAR WHEN PEOPLE GET NAKED
AND WANDER OFF WITH COMPLETE STRANGERS.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SPRING BREAK.
I'M TALKING ABOUT--THERE'S A NEW SEASON OF "NAKED AND AFRAID."
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SHOW?
[cheers and applause]
[laughter]
I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING THIS SHOW.
HAVE YOU HEARD-- WHO HAS HEARD OF THE SHOW?
[cheers and applause]
- OKAY.
THAT MANY PEOPLE HAVE HEARD, AND THAT MANY PEOPLE HAVE WATCHED.
IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,
IT'S A REALITY SHOW THAT'S ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.
IT'S A MAN AND A WOMAN. THEY'VE NEVER MET BEFORE.
THEY GET DROPPED OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
AND THEY HAVE TO SURVIVE ON THEIR OWN
FOR 21 DAYS TOTALLY NAKED.
[laughter]
WHY?
HOW COME?
AND THIRD, NO THANK YOU.
IF I WANT TO SEE "NAKED AND AFRAID,"
I'LL GO TO THE LOCKER ROOM AT THE YMCA.
SO I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY ANYBODY WOULD WANT TO--
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A CAMERAMAN ON THAT SHOW,
YOU KNOW?
IF YOU FILM NAKED PEOPLE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO INTO THE WILD.
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, STAY HERE IN THE VALLEY.
THERE'S A LOT GOING ON.
[laughter]
I'M SHOCKED THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT TOO.
IN THE SEASON PREMIERE,
THE TWO PEOPLE GET DROPPED OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AMAZON,
WHICH IS FILLED WITH DEADLY SNAKES,
INSECTS, PIRANHAS--
AND DID I MENTION THEY'RE NAKED?
THE PEOPLE, NOT THE PIRANHAS.
ALTHOUGH THE PIRANHAS, I'M SURE, ARE NAKED AS WELL.
SO HERE ARE THE TWO CONTESTANTS, A.K. AND TYLER,
MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME.
- GAME TIME.
- THIS IS CRAZY.
BEING NAKED IN FRONT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX--
IT'S GONNA TAKE SOME GETTING USED TO.
- HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? - GOOD.
- TYLER. NICE TO MEET YOU. - I'M A.K.
- AWESOME. - NICE TO MEET YOU.
I SEE YOU BROUGHT THE TWIG AND BERRIES.
- YEAH. YOU GOT THE LADIES ALONG, SO WE SHOULD BE GOOD.
- YES. - THIS IS AWKWARD.
- VERY, VERY AWKWARD.
[laughter]
- AWKWARD?
CALLING SOMEONE THE WRONG NAME IS AWKWARD.
THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.
THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.
A.K. AND TYLER GOT ATTACKED BY MOSQUITOES
THE SIZE OF CHIHUAHUAS,
AND THEY QUIT A FEW DAYS LATER,
SO THEN TWO NEW PEOPLE WERE BROUGHT IN.
THERE WERE PEOPLE BACK--
THERE WERE OTHER PEOPLE THAT WANTED TO DO THIS.
LAURA AND E.J. CAME IN,
AND THEY EVENTUALLY BUILT A RAFT
AND TRAVELED NINE MILES DOWN THE AMAZON RIVER.
AND--OH, IT WASN'T EASY.
- HEY, HEY, HEY. LOOK RIGHT THERE.
HOLY CRAP.
- HOLY [bleep]. WE'RE SITTING DUCKS.
- WHY? THAT'S MY QUESTION.
YES, WHY?
AND THE SHOW WAS PAINFUL UNTIL THE VERY END,
EVEN WHEN THEY FINALLY MADE IT.
- WE HAVE NOTHING LEFT IN US.
GO, GO!
COME ON, E.J.!
RIGHT HERE. GO, GO!
GO, GO, GO!
OH!
[groaning]
- [groaning]
- WE [bleep] DID IT!
- YEAH! - YEAH!
- OH, POOR E.J. POOR CAMERA GUY.
[laughter]
POOR US.
LAURA AND E.J. MIRACULOUSLY SURVIVED 21 DAYS,
AND GUESS WHAT THEY WON?
NOTHING.
NOTHING. THEY GO ON THERE--
THERE'S NO PRIZE MONEY. THERE'S NO PARTING GIFT.
IF YOU GO ON "WHEEL OF FORTUNE" AND YOU'RE GUESSING LETTERS,
YOU CAN WIN $90,000.
EVEN IF YOU LOSE, YOU GO HOME WITH PATIO FURNITURE.
THOSE PEOPLE-- THEY GO HOME WITH MALARIA.
THAT'S WHAT THEY GET.
IT'S CRAZY. IF YOU COME TO MY SHOW,
AT LEAST YOU'RE GUARANTEED TO COME HOME WITH A DANCE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.
AND I MEAN, LITERALLY, BUSINESS.
WE HAVE SOME GREAT NEW PRODUCTS IN THE ELLEN SHOP.
THERE IS THIS NEW PINK HOODIE.
NOBODY'S GONNA MISS YOU ON THE FREEWAY WITH THIS THING,
IF YOU'RE--
THIS IS BRIGHT AND SOFT AS CAN BE.
AND WE HAVE THIS T-SHIRT RIGHT HERE,
WHICH IS REALLY-- I LOVE HOW SOFT EVERYTHING IS.
CUTE, SOFT.
AND WE HAVE THIS TRUCKER HAT,
'CAUSE WHEN YOU THINK OF THE "ELLEN" SHOW,
YOU THINK TRUCKERS.
[laughter]
IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU.
[cheers and applause]
IT'S PERFECT FOR YOUR LOVED ONE.
ASHTON KUTCHER COULD WEAR IT.
[cheers and applause]
UH, CAN I HELP YOU?
- WE ARE LOST. DO YOU KNOW WHICH WAY THE AMAZON IS?
- OH, IT'S THIS-- IT'S THIS WAY.
- IT'S THAT WAY. - UH-HUH.
- OKAY. - YES.
YOU GO UP THROUGH THE AUDIENCE. - OH, IT'S NOT THAT WAY?
- NO, YOU GO THROUGH THE AUDIENCE.
AND, LOOK, HERE-- THERE'S A T-SHIRT.
NO, THIS IS--THIS IS FOR HIM.
AND THEN-- SIR, YOU MIGHT BE COLD ALSO.
YOU TAKE THAT ALSO.
SO, YEAH, IF YOU GO THAT WAY...
- THAT WAY. - YEAH.
- IT'S RIGHT THROUGH THE AUDIENCE.
- IT'S NOT THAT WAY? - NO, NO. IT'S THAT WAY, YEAH.
[cheers and applause]