Catching up with old friends is great...
RANDALL: I'm a mess; don't look at me! JUSTIN: Oh no!
...until it's not.
JUSTIN: I feel like this election
is so—like this is one of the most important elections of our lifetime, if not the most.
RANDALL: Absolutely. There's no question to it.
RANDALL: I know I'm going to be there, first thing in the morning, voting for my guy, [redacted].
What do you say when you strongly disagree with someone on an
issue that you care about, but you don't want to lose the friendship?
Hm.
I assume you're voting for [redacted] as well.
...right?
In another video, I talked about the power of asking questions
to change minds on difficult issues.
But not all questions are created equal.
If you're really passionate about an issue, it can be really tempting to ask questions like this:
Why?
H–How? How??
I mean, how can you support him?
Can you give me a reason? Because that makes no sense to me.
I'm gonna need some more of this.
Even without the argumentative tone, these are not great questions.
See, when you ask someone to explain why they believe something,
you're ultimately asking them to DEFEND their view.
You're literally putting them on defense.
And defensive people don't change their minds very easily.
So how do you ask about someone's views without putting them on defense?
Simple. Don't ask for an argument. Ask for a story.
I'll be honest, I don't fully understand your side of this.
And I don't want to get into an argument about it, because you're my friend.
But I am genuinely interested in understanding your journey on this.
Would you be open to telling me some of your story?
Like what it was that first attracted you to his campaign?
Was there a moment?
Notice how different that feels. It's not just the tone.
Instead of asking for an argument—"WHY do you believe this?"—
ask for a story—"WHEN did you start believing this?"
That may feel awkward at first, so word it however you want.
The key is to ask them to tell the story of their position.
When did they first become aware of this issue?
What first made them aware of it?
Has their position changed or evolved with time?
And if so, what happened to cause that?
Because often, the story of how someone came to a view tells you
more about what really matters to them than their arguments do.
For example, let's say you support the Circle Party and I support the Triangle Party.
If you ask me *WHY* I support the Triangle Party,
I might start talking about the Triangle position on gun control.
That’s my argument. But what’s my story?
Did I become a Triangle because this position on gun control was so important to me,
or is this position on gun control important to me
because it’s the Triangle position?
I might make the same argument either way, but my story will tell you the difference.
Maybe I grew up in a Triangle community, surrounded by Triangles,
reading Triangle literature, always seeing Circles as my enemy.
If so, maybe my support of Triangles is as much about my own
sense of identity and belonging as it is about any issue.
In that case, all this talk of gun control is really kinda beside the point. I would've been a Triangle anyway.
On the other hand, maybe I grew up without any strong political leanings, but a pivotal moment
in my life changed my view on gun control, and that view is what drove me to the Triangle Party.
In that case, it would be worth learning more about that pivotal moment in my life, and
why it has so shaped my view of the world.
And remember, you can affirm someone’s story without affirming their arguments.
You don’t have to agree with my position to affirm that whatever I’ve been
through or whatever I’ve heard was emotional and important to me, that it’s shaped me in some way.
You don’t have to rebut a story.
But simply by sharing our stories with each other, you can grow closer to me,
we can get to know each other, and you can
introduce me to new ideas without descending into arguments.
So instead of putting the other person on the defensive, ask them about their journey. And
pay attention to what their story tells you about what this is REALLY all about for them.
Because ultimately, if you want to convince me to become a Circle,
you’re going to have to show me how that’s a reasonable next step
for someone with MY journey, not just why it makes sense for someone with YOURS.