Social media.
What started as a cute way to share your brunch photos
is now tearing the world apart.
From an epidemic of fake news to the Lincoln Memorial standoff
going viral before anyone knew the facts
to people killing off celebrities
with online death hoaxes.
It's terrible. Every single day people are tweeting R.I.P.
at celebrities who are just taking a nap.
So, what can we do to end the chaos
that social media is causing?
Well, here to help us figure it all out
is a man who still has a Myspace account,
Neal Brennan, everybody!
(cheering, applause)
Hey, buddy.
Thanks, buddy.
P.S., Tom says hi.
(laughter)
Trevor, the way I see it, the problem with social media
is the problem America always has, we overdo everything.
The Egyptians invented bread,
America invented unlimited bread sticks.
The Greeks invented drama,
we invented love in hip-hop Atlanta.
The French invented the ménage à trois,
we invented the bukkake 5,000.
Wait. Wait. Isn't bukkake Japanese?
Yes, but America added the 5,000.
(laughter)
Point is, we overdo everything.
And social media is our latest monstrosity
and it's kind of destroying us.
But good news, your old pal Neal knows just how to fix it.
I got my inspiration from another problem: guns.
There are a ton of great gun control ideas
that we're never gonna use.
That's when it hit me:
What America needs is common sense phone control.
Wait. I-I don't understand what that means.
Then allow me to continue.
Buddy, our phones are just like guns.
You think it's a good idea to have one, but statistically,
you're more likely to use it to hurt yourself.
Ask any of these people.
Because of a tweet, they all got into serious trouble,
which is why I'm stealing a page from gun control
and proposing a three-day waiting period on all tweets.
If Kevin Hart had a three-day waiting period,
he'd have been, like,
"I'm not gonna post this homophobic tweet.
"I'm gonna post a promotional tweet about one
of the 15 movies I've got coming out this weekend."
NOAH: What else?
How about another gun control idea
that's not being used:
Mental health checks.
Let's apply that to Facebook.
Before you can share something on your time line,
you have to pass a simple cognition test.
Question one:
Does the government release chemtrails from airplanes?
A) No.
Or B) Hellz, yeah, that's how the frogs got gay.
(laughter)
Question two: Did Beyoncé fake her pregnancy?
A) Of course not.
Or B) These Hollywood people out here acting crazy,
you don't know.
Question three: Do Jewish people control the weather?
A) Absolutely not.
Or B) I'm no anti-Semite, but, yes,
Jews do control the weather.
(laughter and applause)
If we constantly have to prove we're not robots,
we should also have to prove we're not stupid dumbasses.
Here's another regulation.
Before you can use Instagram,
you need to pass a background check.
Oh, I get it. I get it.
Like for people who might be criminals or stalkers.
No. I mean, if you're gonna do a selfie,
check your background first.
Make sure the stuff behind you isn't weird.
Like, sometimes I'll see pictures and be like,
"Why is there a microwave next to your toilet?"
And ladies, if you're gonna post a thirst trap,
try to crop out your husband and/or your baby.
(laughter)
But come to think of it, buddy,
your criminals idea sounds good, too.
We should have a rule for that on Instagram.
If you have a history of harassment, you're blocked.
You don't get to creep on the 'Gram.
No butt cheeks for you, dawg.
But on the upside, you don't get to look at pictures--
and this is real-- of idiots at an amusement park.
And... And by the way, Trevor,
I think it's wrong that you murdered that minion
-and used it as a hat. -No, Neal, what was wrong
is that that minion called me a racial slur, okay?
It looked me dead in the eye, and it was like,
(speaking minion)
-Not cool, buddy. -Not cool.
That's not his word to use.
My point is, buddy...
we need to be saved from ourselves.
We have speed limits,
we have regulations on medication,
we have calorie counts-- we ignore them, but we have them.
Now more than ever, America needs phone control.
You know what, Neal? I'm sold.
And I think what would set a great example
is if you let me take your phone away first.
Typical liberal.
Trevor, you'll get my phone
when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.
Neal Brennan, everyone!