- Trevor Noah here.
Right now, we don't know
when we're gonna go back to the studio.
We don't know if we're gonna go back to the studio.
And I don't think any of you know any different.
Coronavirus has changed everybody's lives.
And so, what we've decided
is to try and make The Daily Show from homes.
Not just my home, but everyone's home,
so the producers, the writers,
the directors, the graphic producers.
We're all just gonna chill at home
and use the technology we have to try and make a show.
So, I know a lot of people have said,
"Hey, we still wanna watch The Daily show,
"we still wanna be informed,
"we still wanna catch up on the news
"without having to watch 24 hours of CNN,"
and I don't blame you for that.
So, that's what we're gonna be doing.
So, let's get into it.
Today we're gonna be chatting about coronavirus, obviously.
It would be weird if was like,
"Today, we're gonna be chatting about
"infrastructural development in ... "
No.
So, we're gonna be chatting about coronavirus.
We're gonna be talking about
the U.S. border with Canada being shut down.
We're gonna talk about NBA players getting tested.
We're gonna chat about how people
need to stop going to the ER,
because you're actually hurting everybody who needs it.
So, let's get into that and more
in our very first Daily Show Social Distancing Sh--
No.
Daily Social Distancing Show.
That's it.
The Daily Social Distancing Show.
(dynamic music)
- [Announcer] From Trevor's couch in New York City
to your couch somewhere in the world,
this is The Daily Social Distancing Show with Trevor Noah.
- All right, y'all.
Let's kick it off with the big news of the day.
The coronavirus has officially surpassed 200,000
confirmed cases worldwide, which is pretty insane,
'cause right now, that means corona's
running around the world like those penguins
at the aquarium, doing whatever it wants.
It's actually funny when you think about it.
Like, you know when you watch that video of the penguins?
We always think that, if humans were off the planet,
then there would be no zoos.
But then, when I watch that video, it made me realize
animals would make zoos for other animals.
Like the penguins would be like,
"And this is the polar bear.
"He used to hunt us.
"How things have changed."
Anyway, I'm not telling you the news of corona
surpassing 200,000 to make you sad.
All right?
I'm just keeping you up-to-date with what's happening.
We all gotta be informed.
Now, just because coronavirus cases are going up
in the world, please, that shouldn't make you more sad,
because there is a lot of encouraging news
coming out from all over the world.
For instance, just today, just today
there was a story that came out of Italy,
where a small town of about 3,000 people
tested everyone in the town, and then they just
kept track of everyone who had coronavirus
and who was giving it to who,
and they got the cases of coronavirus down to zero.
So, it shows you that's basically what we need to do.
All right?
We need to test as many people as possible.
And I know, if you live in New York, you're probably like,
"Yeah, but, Trevor, that town only had 3,000 people in it.
"That's how many roommates I have."
But still, it shows that the key
to stopping coronavirus is testing.
What's scary about testing, though,
is that the cases are gonna go up,
'cause the more people we test,
we're gonna discover more people have coronavirus.
But at least we'll know how many people have coronavirus.
You know?
It's like today, we just found out
that four Brooklyn Nets players, NBA players,
have coronavirus, including Kevin Durant.
Yeah.
So, now the Nets have coronavirus,
the Jazz have coronavirus, the Pistons have coronavirus.
It's going around to all of the NBA teams,
except the Knicks, because not even corona
wants to be on the Knicks.
Now, the White House keeps trying to reassure people
that more tests are coming,
but every time Trump tries to calm the nation down,
I feel like he does the exact opposite.
- We are all in this together,
and we'll come through together.
It's the invisible enemy.
But we're going to defeat the invisible enemy.
- [Reporter] Your credibility ratings are very low.
There's a recent NPR poll--
- Who are you asking that question?
- I'm asking--
- 'Cause I see that they're very high.
- Why do you keep calling this the Chinese virus?
Why do you keep using this?
All of people say it's racist. - 'Cause it comes from China.
It's not racist at all.
No, not at all.
It comes from China.
That's why.
- There are some, at least one, White House official
who use the term "kung flu," referring to the fact
that this virus started in China.
My question is,
do you think that's wrong? - Kung flu?
- Kung flu.
And do you think using the term Chinese virus,
that puts Asian Americans at risk,
that people might target them? - No, not at all.
No, not at all.
I think they probably ...
would agree with it 100%.
- You know Trump is the only person
who could hold a press conference about a pandemic
and then turn it into a fight about racism.
Who does that?
Like, who does that?
The guy comes out there like, "Let's stay calm, folks.
"So calm, everybody."
And then, five minutes later, he's like,
"Kung flu is a term of respect.
"Ask any Asian. (speaking in foreign language)
"Kung flu." (speaking in foreign language)
Focus.
This is where you need presidential.
This is one of those moments where I wish ...
I wish Obama could come back, you know?
I wish Barack Obama could--
Not as president.
I'm not trying to mess with the Constitution.
I'm just saying they should hire Obama
to handle press briefings.
You know?
'Cause whether you agree with his policies or not,
you have to admit Barack Obama did his thing.
He knew how to calm everybody down.
He'd just come out and be like,
"All right, everybody.
"This is what's gonna happen.
"We're gonna get the ...
"testing.
"All the kits.
"We're gonna isolate the virus.
"We're gonna beat this thing.
"We're gonna isolate the virus,
"and we're gonna beat this thing.
"In the meantime, if you want something comforting
"to binge at home.
"A lot of people are watching TV.
"If you want to watch something,
"you can watch the first eight years of my presidency.
"That's a rerun that never gets old.
"The best part is in season two,
"when I go after Bin Laden.
"Spoiler alert: he doesn't make it."
Actually, I feel like Obama
takes so long to finish a sentence,
it might make social distancing fly by.
Like, right now we're like,
"Oh, we're gonna be in here for months."
If Obama speaks, "We've gotta ...
"We gotta ...
"be safe."
And we're like, "Wow, it's August already.
"I guess we can go outside now.
"Thanks, Obama."
Now, Trump held another presser today,
where he said that America and Canada
are closing their border to non-essential travel.
Yeah.
And that actually made me kinda feel bad for Trump,
because he's finally getting the border shutdown
he always wanted.
It's just happening with the wrong country, you know?
Which sucks for him.
It's kinda like wishing for more vacation days,
but then get fired.
You sort of get what you want, but it's not the same.
And so, from now on, only essential travel,
only essential travel is allowed into Canada from the U.S.
So, stuff like government business, trade,
and your boy's bachelor party in Montreal,
but that's it, nothing else.
See you there, Brandon.
And like ...
You know, I just wonder if this is gonna work.
'Cause you know Canadians are so polite,
I bet if you showed up at the border,
they'd still let you in.
They'd be like, "Oh, gosh, I'm really not supposed to,
"eh, Trevor, but I can't say no to new friends.
"Come on in, eh?"
I don't even know if that was a Canadian accent,
to be honest.
I don't even think I remember a Canadian--
I feel like I ...
I haven't been around people for so long,
I don't know what any accent sounds like.
That could be Canadian.
For all I know, all the accents in my head are wrong.
Maybe it's been that long.
This corona self-distancing,
it's gonna be making up random accents that are incorrect.
"Yeah, so sorry about, about that.
"Yes, welcome to Toronto.
"Yes, I'm Canadian.
"Yes, yes.
"Sorry, yeah.
"But, but.
"Oh, you want maple syrup?"
Oh, one other thing I wanna mention.
Doctors need our help right now.
Yes, doctors need our help.
Because there are many stories coming out
that a lot of young people, especially in New York,
have been going to emergency rooms,
looking for a corona test when they don't have
serious symptoms, and the hospitals are overwhelmed.
They can't handle that.
Like, I know.
I know that they've shut down the bars,
so maybe you think the ER's the hot new hangout,
but it's not, people.
Yes, they have alcohol, but it's rubbing alcohol.
It's not the same thing.
When you go to an ER, and it's not an emergency,
you're overloading the system.
You're overloading the hospitals.
You're taking care away form the people
in really desperate situations.
So if you're feeling sick but it's not that serious,
just self-isolate for a few days.
This is not from me, by the way.
This is what the CDC has told us to do.
If you're feeling sick, stay at home,
self-isolate for a few days, and you see if you get better.
All right?
Emergency rooms are like flights on Spirit Airlines.
You should only go there as a last resort.
Spirit Airlines.
Thanks to corona, we're not the worst anymore.
All right.
I've been alone in this apartment for a few days.
I could use some human conversation,
so let's call up Roy Wood, Jr.
and see what he's up to with the magic of technology.
(ringing)
Yo, Roy!
What's goin' on?
- Yeah.
Yo.
How's it goin' over there, man?
- I've missed your face, man.
This is fun.
- I'm all right, man.
I'm doin' okay over here.
My three-year-old flushed a full bar of soap
down the toilet, so for about 14 hours
we didn't have nowhere to take a du--
Like, you ever had--
pray you don't have to take a dump,
'cause you know you can't ta--
Like, this is the worst time to need another bathroom.
Other than your-- - Wait.
Wait, so your son flushed soap down the toilet?
- Not soap, don't say soap.
It's a bar of soap.
A whole ass bar of soap, brand new,
and it got clogged in the corner.
So I went on Twitter asking questions
and somebody-- - But why didn't you just--
Yeah, so why didn't you just pull it out?
- 'Cause it's down under there.
You know, the toilet, the turd goes down, up, and down.
When a turd goes-- - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's that thing.
Okay, yeah, that thing.
- So the soap was there.
So I couldn't get ...
- Right.
- So I had to ...
Hanger, I tried-- (child yelling)
- Is that him?
- Yeah, man.
(laughing)
- You know, dude, the only thing worse than coronavirus
is having coronavirus shutdown and kids at the same time.
I have never been happier to not have a child in my life.
(laughing)
- He just yells for no reason.
(laughing)
- Does he even understand what the shutdown is?
Does he understand self-distancing.
- He think this is spring break.
He keeps waking up, he goes, "School?"
And I go, "No school."
And he goes, "Yeah, no school!"
And then I make grilled cheese sandwiches all morning.
Grilled cheese and apples every morning.
- Man.
I feel sorry for you.
I'm sorry.
- How you doin'?
- I'm good, I'm great.
I won't lie.
Like, I mean, I'm worried about people.
I don't know where the world is going.
I'll tell you, the biggest stress I have
is that I don't know if I have corona or not,
'cause you don't show symptoms,
so I don't know if I have it.
What if I already had it, and then like,
maybe I don't have it anymore.
Do you know what I mean?
And then like, I'm immune, I could be in the streets.
But now I don't know, because I haven't,
'cause I can't get tested.
You can't get tested unless you really show symptoms,
so I don't know.
So, yeah, that's the only frustrating thing for me.
- It's like a lot of famous people are getting tested.
That's what it seems like.
Seem like what you need to do,
you need to do what I'm gonna do.
I'm joining the NBA.
That's how I'm gonna get my test.
I already thought about this.
I already ordered a jersey and everything.
- That doesn't, I don't even know ...
What are you saying?
- If you want to get tested for corona, join the NBA.
NBA show symptom, they test 'em immediately.
They tested all of the Utah Jazz.
They tested all of the Oklahoma City Thunder.
When it first-- - Oh yeah.
Yeah, the Brooklyn Nets, I think,
what, four players got tested.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, four players were confirmed.
Yeah, they tested everybody.
- Yeah.
So, if you want to get a test ...
I've been lookin' on the TV,
all I see are these corona tests
and people lining up at 6:00 in the morning.
The testing doesn't start til 9:00.
You don't even up that early for Jordans.
You get to the mall a hour before it opened for Jordans.
And people are there four hours.
That's how dire this is.
- That's like the new ...
The way you just said it makes it sound
like corona testing is gonna be the new swag.
- Yeah.
- Like rappers are gonna be in their videos
like, "Yeah, got that corona test.
"Got all corona tests."
- Yeah, with a (garbled speech)
mask on. - Bugattis and corona tests.
- With a N95 mask on they face.
(laughing)
Hey, hey, you ain't got my mask.
Bitch I got the mask. - Got that corona test.
Yo, yo, corona.
Wait, but now ...
But now, if you say celebrities get it,
then how come we haven't gotten the test?
- I think this is ...
If there's ever a time to confirm
whether or not you an A-list celebrity ...
- Wow.
- This is the time.
'Cause if you look at the celebrities that's got it,
top shelf.
Idris Elba.
- Tom Hanks. - Tom.
They're people that are bonafide stars.
- Wow.
- If you're doin' Hallmark movies, you might not get a test.
They might just not ...
I'm nervous.
I'm gonna be honest.
This is myself included.
(laughing)
You might be good.
- Oh, man.
I haven't gotten the test, though, so I mean ...
- I'm saying, if we was both in line to get the corona test,
and the swab lady came down the line,
she's be like, "Oh, Trevor Noah, come."
And I'd be like, "What about me?"
And she's be like, "No, Anthony Anderson.
"I don't watch Black-ish."
(laughing)
That's what would happen.
- Oh, man!
Oh, dude.
I hope you're wrong.
I heard too many people are trying to get the test,
so maybe that's a good thing.
I don't know.
Or maybe they should say every NBA player/movie star
that gets tested has to bring
a friend to get tested with them.
Maybe that's how we get the thing to everybody.
- I probably should wear--
I got more baseball gear in my house than basketball.
And I know that for sure I have enough
to make three-fourths of a Chicago Cubs uniform.
I have a hat, I have a glove,
I have a jersey, I have cleats.
I just need pants.
- And who are you gonna be on the team?
When they say, "Oh, you play for the Chicago Cubs?"
who are you gonna say you are?
- They probably won't believe I play baseball
'cause I'm black.
It ain't but eight of us left.
So, I probably gotta learn Spanish
and trick 'em in to thinking I'm Dominican.
I don't--
Look, I'm just hoping that we continue to remain
alone together and that I don't get any symptoms.
(child yelling)
- Is that ...
- Hey, let me go, man.
- Is everything okay?
- This boy, man.
I'm sorry.
- Roy, what's going on?
- I'm sorry.
Ay!
Stop eatin' the toilet tissue!
This boy's eatin' toilet tissue.
That's like eatin' money.
That's actually worse than eatin' money.
Ay, eat this $20 bill.
Don't do that.
- Roy, are you ...
All right, I'll chat to you later.
(Roy screams)
Uh, all right, cool.
Thanks, Roy.
I'll chat to you tomorrow.
If your kid's not eating more toilet paper.
Oh, speaking of kids eating toilet paper,
before we go, school, in America specifically,
is where millions of kids get their lunch every single day.
But with many schools closed down right now,
these kids could use our help.
So if you can help, please,
if you can donate anything right now.
I know it's hard, but if you can,
please go to nokidhungry.org and give what you can.
You can help children get a meal.
It might be their only meal of the day.
And if you want to help in New York City specifically,
please go to cityharvest.org.
In times like this, we all need to pull together
and help out however we can, because it's gonna be a ride,
and the only way we can make this journey
a little more tolerable is if we travel on it together.
Wow, that was deep.
I just made that up.
That was powerful.
So, yeah.
That's The Daily Social Distancing Show for today.
I'm Trevor Noah.
Stay out there, stay safe.
Please, distance yourself socially,
but connect with each other digitally.
And I'll catch up with everybody tomorrow.
But before we go, here it is, your moment of zen.
- [Reporter] This Los Angeles grocery store
also offering special hours for seniors.
- We have a package for you.
- [Reporter] And in Chicago, a non-profit putting together
and delivering care packages to seniors in need.
- This is something that's gonna affect everybody.
We just have to do a better job of recognizing
the humanness or the Americanness of each of us,
and if we're gonna rise outta this, we gotta do it together.