Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I am the creator of teaching self-government.
I'm also the previous foster parent of many troubled teens many of them had oppositional
defiant disorder. In this video, we're going to talk about how to parent oppositional defiant disorder.
In this video, I'm going to share with you some of my experience working with teens with oppositional
defiant disorder. As well as share with you three things that you can do to help the person in your
life that has oppositional defiant disorder too. Oppositional defiant disorder is different than
just defiance. So, I was a kind of defiant child. I was always trying to circumvent the system. I would
talk back to my parents. I wouldn't always do what I was asked to do, that's just plain old defiance.
But when a person has oppositional defiant disorder they are defiant to everyone. They
don't just pick one person in particular. So, a person who truly has oppositional defiant disorder
will be oppositional to parents, grandparents, neighbors, teachers, everyone, not just one person.
But even if you are dealing with a child who is just oppositional to one person and may not have
full-blown oppositional defiant disorder. The tips that I'm going to be sharing in this video
will help. Years ago, I did foster care for troubled teens they were all between the ages of 12 and 18
years old. I've also raised four children of my own. All of the children that I've raised in my home
whether they were foster children or my own biological children were all strong-willed.
But many of the foster children that came to my home had oppositional defiant disorder. Which meant,
that it didn't matter who was giving them an instruction or telling them they needed to do
something or not to do something they would push against that person. In this video, we
are not going to be getting into why a person has oppositional defiant disorder that will
be a video for another day. But what I would like to share are key things that you can do
in order to help your child who has oppositional defiant disorder or just plain old defiance
decide to follow instructions, accept no answers, accept consequences, and disagree appropriately.
The first thing that a child needs to know whether they have oppositional defiant disorder or not
is they need to know who the leader is, who the teacher is, and they need to know that they're
the learner. In short, they need to know their role in the family or in that particular relationship,
maybe it's parent and child. If the parent does not maintain good parental authority then the child
will push even harder. In fact, it's vital that the parent maintains proper parental authority. But
don't misunderstand me, this does not mean being aggressive or mean. Your child with oppositional
defiant disorder is used to pushing back any time there's a power struggle. So a wise parent
maintains parental authority without ever having to power struggle. Now, I know that seems like it
might not be possible but I promise you it is. In fact, that is what my whole program that's called
teaching self-government is all about. The teaching self-government parenting course provides skills
and principles that parents and children can use in order to combat any processing problem or even
if they're just regular children. The principles are usually the same but the key thing is there is
no power struggling. Well, a self-governed parent knows that they need to teach themselves and
their children the skills that they will need for success. In the teaching self-government parenting
course there are multiple different skills for parents and children that I teach so that people
will learn how to master themselves and have self-government. Four of the basic skills that
we teach for parents and children are following instructions, accepting no answers, accepting
consequences, and disagreeing appropriately. If a person learns those four basic skills
that actually gives them the steps that they need to take care of 99% of their behavioral problems.
Now I know you're thinking yes but my child who has oppositional defiant disorder will
not accept no answers, they always argue back. They will not disagree appropriately. They will
not follow instructions. They refuse to, they will die on that wall. I know what you're talking about.
I lived with children just like that who want to die on that wall. But even if you think they won't
do those skills they have to be taught them anyway and you have to expect that a person
can learn them and choose to use them. If you do not think that the skills will help the person
then they absolutely will never give them the time of day. It is important that as parents we
tell our children the full truth that means they need all of the skills and principles taught to
them whether they want them or not and these four basic skills are gonna give the parents something
to refer back to when the child is starting to be oppositional. A self-governed parent also does
not negotiate with their children. So oftentimes, a child that has oppositional defiant disorder
wants to negotiate everything. In fact, they want to just tell you no that they're not going to do it
and why and many times parents fall into the trap of negotiating with their children. This undermines
your parental role and parental authority and it is not a good idea. So, if you teach them the
skill of disagreeing appropriately then they can negotiate with you in an appropriate way. They can
seek to understand you and to be understood by using that vital skill. The seven steps in the
disagree appropriately skill help them to maintain their calmness while being understood at the same
time and the last two steps in the skill are to accept what the parent says, so say okay to it,
and then drop the subject. Which means, not to think about it anymore. Oppositional defiant children
oftentimes have a hard time dropping the subject. They ruminate again and again and again on the
negativity of the situation or on what they need to control or on who isn't understanding them or
who doesn't care. They create a lot of drama in their mind which is why they push so hard.
Literally, in their minds they feel like they're in a battle zone. When I recognize that working with
these children who had actual oppositional defiant disorder I felt a lot of compassion for what they
were going through. Realizing that they felt that every single thing that was happening to them
was like a battle zone. In fact, that increased their anxiety and their stress to such a high
level that I felt like it must be detrimental for their health and so I tried my best to maintain my
calmness, teach them the skills that they needed, and make sure that I never talked back to them
when they were talking back to me. So what did I do instead? That's what we're going to talk about
next. Before I get to my next point subscribe to this channel. There are videos just like this
and even better that come out on this channel every single day and you're not gonna want to
miss them subscribe now. So what do I do when they still are being defiant and they're talking back
to me anyway and I'm not going to talk back to them. Well, I start describing, I describe, "Right now
you're talking back to me. Right now you're trying to tell me something. Right now you're yelling.'
A person who's oppositional defiant is trying to live a lie inside their head, we have to remember
that. They think everything is a battle but it doesn't need to be especially if we're being
calm and hopefully you do have your calmness under control. If not, there's a link in the description
below this to the calm parenting toolkit and it's completely free. So click on that link and get more
help with your calmness. So if you're being calm then it really isn't a battle zone. Everything is
happening inside. They are lying to themselves, that you don't care, that you don't understand.
That everybody's out to get them so we have to help them recognize the truth and one of the
best ways to do that is to appeal to the logical capabilities of the prefrontal cortex and the
best way to start out doing that is by describing. Just explaining the truth, not a lot of feelings
just the truth. The factual things that you can see. So, what I might do is say, "Right now you're pacing.
Right now you're wanting to tell me something but you're yelling. Which means that we can't have a
conversation." So I just describe what it is that they're doing. Then I finish out a correction by
describing what they should do, what they've earned, and practicing things the right way. Children who
have oppositional defiant disorder need to be corrected consistently. Just like any other child,
they all need that consistent correction so that they will choose to rein themselves in. If your
child truly has oppositional defiant disorder. I can promise you that the teaching self-government
parenting system will work. It was designed for children just like yours for the foster children
that came to my home who had oftentimes a very extreme oppositional defiant disorder,
bipolar disorder, even sometimes personality disorder. It was designed for people who have a
very hard time changing their behavioral patterns and their processing habits so it will work. But I
want to tell you something. When your child truly has oppositional defiant disorder they will push
harder anytime you decide to do something that might help them. They try to maintain that false
dialogue that's going on inside their head. It's a habit, don't take it personally and
just remember it's going to take them a while to overcome that habit. When you are helping a child
who has oppositional defiant disorder there are not quick fixes. There's only principles skills
and proven techniques and then patience and trust in the process as you move along. So don't forget
that get the help you need get the skills you need for yourself and for them and then consistently
follow through again and again and they will make progress. Even if it seems like it's small progress
at first. Don't forget, they have to reroute their brain entirely to overcome those oppositional
defiant tendencies. No matter what type of processing you're dealing with at your home
there are self-government skills and principles that can help and I would love to share more of
those with you. If you've enjoyed this video I know you're going to love the next one which is called,
the expectation trap versus the cycle for success. Did you know sometimes we sabotage ourselves
and our children do too? Well, I've got some answers for you for how you can solve that self-sabotage
and create happier days for you and your children. Click on the link now and I'll see you there.