It's good to be in Utah.
I'm from North Carolina.
Thank you.
One guy is like, I've heard of it.
It's a state,
and it's a different ballgame,
like the South
and the Southwest and the West
Coast.
So it's a different ballgame.
I love being from the South,
but I do this all over the United States
for tons of money.
And-- that was a joke.
You guys really picked right up
on that one.
Good for you.
Please buy some merch.
(audience laughing)
I do this all over the United States
and people will just
straight up
come up to me after shows
and be like,
"Oh you're from the South.
"Wow, I feel like all Southerners are
"stupid."
And I'll be like, Wow you said that
out loud.
And I heard you.
You were supposed to think it
quietly to yourself
inside your mind.
(audience laughing)
People think that all Southerners
are stupid, and it makes me angry
because at least 20% of us are not.
You know what I mean?
I've read like 15 books.
It's frustrating.
And I get it.
I think people think Southerners are
stupid.
And a lot of that
is because of history and facts
and stuff like that.
But also-- like our voting record,
stuff like that.
But also I feel like a lot of it
is these television shows are
deliberately making--
these television networks
are deliberately making television
shows to make Southerners look bad.
And we don't need any help.
(audience laughing)
That's what the news is for.
(audience laughing)
When is the last time you saw
a smart southerner get
interviewed about a tornado?
Never.
(audience laughing)
There's never a dude on the news
like, "Well, I tell you what.
"That tornado come over the horizon,
"and it just really obliterated
"our view of the foliage
"and everything.
"A lot of debris was loosened up
"because the velocity of the winds
"is really uncommon for a storm
"structure of this nature.
"Now, I don't know how familiar you
"are with them, but the whole thing
"was really exacerbated by the level
"of precipitation that was coming
"down that evening.
"We just felt fortunate to have
"extricated ourselves
"from the structure when we did.
"I tell you, I do think the storm is
"going to be
"detrimental to the community.
"But in the long run,
"I think you'll see a lot of synergy
"as the citizens pull together
"to rebuild."
(audience applauding)
That never happens.
It's always this dude.
He's like, "Well, that twister came
"out of there
"and picked my washing machine up
"off the front porch, put it right
"there through my trampoline.
"About knocked me out.
"I woke next morning,
"and I was like Crystal,
"where's my Camaro?
"Ah!"
(audience laughing)
It's embarrassing.
(audience laughing)
Some of you have a Southern cousin,
and you're like, "Is that Darryl?
"How does he know Darryl?"
(audience laughing)
You're making these television shows
to make Southerners look bad,
and it's so frustrating because you
see the previews
and like, there's no other reason
for that to exist.
You see these previews on TV,
and they're like, "Tune in at 7:00
"to watch Ricky catch a catfish
"with his rat tail."
And you're like, "whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Rat tail catfishing is not a sport.
"It's a hobby."
It doesn't even exist.
I'm 70% sure.
(audience laughing)
There's all kinds of shows,
like these Southern shows
like the truck driving show.
You seen that?
Just dudes driving trucks.
(audience laughing)
Who gets off work at the end
of the day and is like,
you know what I want to do?
I want to go home, sit on the couch,
and relax, watch a show about a guy
with a crappier job than me,
really help me unwind.
I just picture a couple of redneck
brothers on the couch
like, "Hey, man, flip it back.
"Flip it back.
"You seen this?
"This is a trucking show.
"These dudes-- listen.
"They drive these trucks, OK?
"Big old trucks.
"They drive them on the road
"and everything.
"All the whole show.
(audience laughing)
"And then they get off.
"That's pretty much the show.
"But man, I can't even sleep
"on Wednesdays if I don't watch
"the trucking show.
"That's my jam right there.
"That's my jam.
"That's good stuff.
"Now, flip it back.
"Flip it back.
"This is good.
"This is gooder.
"You seen it?
"This is a tree cutting show.
"And what they do, the dudes--
"very similar dudes,
"they go into the woods.
"Listen, they go into the woods,
"and they cut down trees, all the way
"down onto the ground and everything.
"Big old trees.
"And then they get the trees,
"and they put them on these trucks,
"and they truck them.
"It might be the dudes
"from the trucking show actually.
"Come to think of it.
"Last week, I thought they was going
"to make Ricky go because he took
"the clipboard out of the bulldozer.
"But they didn't let him go, man.
"Ricky's a good tree cutter man.
"Ricky's a good tree cutter.
"That guy drinks more Mountain Dew
'than anybody I've ever seen
"in my life."
(audience laughing)
That's another thing I'm tired of.
I'm tired of Mountain Dew trying
to convince me that that's a sports
drink.
Have you seen their marketing?
It's all like,
do you like extreme sports?
I'm like, yeah.
They're like, Mountain Dew.
I'm like, what?
They're like, skydiving,
bungee jumping, Mountain Dew, rock
climbing, snowboarding, Mountain
Dew.
I'm like, Hey, Mountain Dew,
those people drink water.
(audience laughing)
That's why they got all those teeth.