When you're growing up as a child, I don't know,
but you know your relationship with your parents and things and your friends and you hear someone say, oh
such a person has killed himself
how selfish of them, how could they do that and you know
that kind of sticks with you. I can't control these thoughts that are in
my head, and I don't want to be having these thoughts. This is like someone who's
torturing me in my mind but, they keep popping in.
I can't get rid of them and you know because there isn't that understanding you don't - you
feel really ashamed to show and you feel really weak.
If you feel like you're selfish not gonna
talk to anyone about it, then you just gonna keep spiraling down
and then you almost... if you hear someone actually say
like, oh that's so selfish to think that way then
that's sort of like pushing you toward the metaphorical cliff
I didn't want to do it. I knew I didn't want to do it, but
...you can't - can't think of anything else - you can't think of any other way, when you're like that.
When I go in that dark... the darkness in that place
I couldn't give you - I couldn't tell you what I'm gonna do in the next few
seconds
cause it's gone. The gloom's dropped, the
shadows are there, there's no reason to carry on. It - you -
people say to you that oh it's selfish, you know, don't you think of everyone - you know I'm not even
thinking about myself.
It is just so difficult to kind of articulate how you feel at that moment
because you don't - you're not thinking logically so to try and think
back to when you were not thinking -
when you were thinking about killing yourself - for those thoughts, I'm thinking quite
logically now.
To think back to that time, I can't relate to that, it's almost like a different
well it's not a different me, but a completely different mindset.
It almost is a different person to what you are right now
because I think oh, that won't happen again but it probably will.
It's almost like you feel things a lot more than other people do.
Yeah - and you do, again, you can get people saying
you shouldn't be so sensitive, stop being an old woman, something like that, and you think, well
do you know what, I'm not taking this all on board because I want to take it
I'm not in control of these thoughts.
And actually it's real, it's happening for you, it's in your head.
Six months ago was when I had my
first real intent of suicide
because I felt like there was no
reason to live anymore, I felt like I'd lost everything in life
I felt that I was worthless, there was no point
um, on that day I was rushed to the GP
who then sent me straight to A&E and said I should be
admitted. I had to wait six hours in A&E
and I'd already self-harmed and
then about ten o' clock at night I got someone come through and say...
so what's wrong? And I couldn't...
couldn't really explain, and then I was told I'd
have to wait about six months for treatment and I think we can all agree
when you're in that crisis, cause that is when you're in crisis,
you can't wait another minute let alone another six months - just makes you worse.
So... because when you're like that you cannot see
any other way, there is no other option.
My personal experience came after I had failed business venture about 12
11-12 years ago, lost a lot money,
been drinking quite a lot, was
just buying a new house, had just had family so mortgage, children,
money worries, &c&c and first of all it came out as
really, really severe panic and anxiety, and
I got that under control, and then what
I was left with after that was this... really kind of
worn-out, reflecting
individual, who was starting to probably feel a bit calmer but was left with this
kind of,
say, washing machine on spin of information and worry and concern that was
left in my head.
It's like you lose all hope that, you know
two weeks after my what happened to me
when I was still in a very bad place I
got a job interview for where I work now
and I never in a million years - at that point I was
convinced I was a failure, so, to see where I am now
I'm not glad that it that happened but it's uh...
something I will always be able to look back on and think look where I got to.
One of the ways that
I've steered myself away from the suicidal thoughts
and getting into that, sort of, suicidal mindset is by teaching myself
a more positive use of words
so, I mean my grammer is awful, but by using words rather than,
you know, 'I've always been bad at that' or 'that's not something I'm brilliant at'
find another way of doing it, and try and retrain the...
my mind to stop saying, 'you're worthless, you're useless'.
Yeah - and I cannot begin to tell you just how something like today
helps in terms of, you know, when you get those low points, you're sat talking to people
you're helping others, you're sharing your own stories and that
is a positive that we all should build on.
What I found is art and writing
really helped me, like I'll just
because I have to see things, if I can't see it
then it's almost like, oh it's alright you don't have to accept it, sort of thing
and um... but if I can see it out in front of me in words
or images then I can sort of start making sense of it.
It's about doing as much as possible that makes me happy
and having things to always look forward to because that was what
probably why I ended up down in that place, I had -
I thought I had nothing to look forward to so now I will
plan to do things which I wouldn't normally do
like I try and
like, do runs and, um, I want to do
a marathon, and I want to go volunteering
and because if you have those things, I mean
everyone says you can't help others until you've helped yourself
which is true but at the same time
I want to focus on helping others cause that keeps me on this planet.
I think by helping others, that does help you and it's that... it's payback isn't it.
I think part of the problems is we do listen to what other people are saying,
what their opinions are, and if someone says you know you're being selfish or
pull yourself together, or you can't help others til you've helped yourself, we take all this on board.
I feel like I'm not afraid to have that conversation with people anymore
because, you can see in some people's... just in their mannerisms, how they are
and, whereas I used to be, now from experiencing
it myself I wish... I wish so much that I'd had that person
just to say like, I just to ask me
how I was.