-You are here. It is a great day
to be in New York City. Well, unless you're one person.
[ Laughter ]
Today, history was made today in New York City
as former president Trump became the first U.S. president
to ever be arrested and face criminal charges.
[ Cheers and applause ]
When they heard, New Yorkers were like,
-♪ It's about damn time ♪
-Yeah. Uh... [ Laughter ]
Trump made history.
The only good news for Trump, in Florida,
all the history books have been thrown out.
So it's all right. [ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, on his way to court,
Trump posted on social media from the car.
He wrote, "Heading to Lower Manhattan,
the courthouse. Seems so surreal.
Wow, they are going to arrest me.
Can't believe this is happening in America.
MAGA!" [ Laughter ]
When Trump sits in the back
of a car, he's like a little kid.
You've got to give him a bag of Cheerios and an iPad.
It's like, "We'll be at court soon, honey."
[ Laughter ]
Trump eventually reached the courthouse.
Here he is walking in.
-...outside his vehicle,
once they have a handle of the security here.
And then you see the former president...
-Gave a little wave there. [ Laughter ]
Gave a little wa--
Can we -- who is -- Can we see who he's waving at?
-...once they have a handle of the security here.
And then you see the former president...
[ Laughter ] -Oh, wow.
[ Applause ]
That is biz-- That is --
[ Cheers and applause ] The odds --
The odds of that happening. The odds of that happening.
[ Laughter ]
Wow.
Well, once he was inside,
Trump was booked and fingerprinted.
If you want to know what his fingerprints look like,
just look at a "Don't walk" sign.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump was actually fingerprinted.
They didn't even use an ink pad.
They just used the McRib sauce that was already on his fingers.
[ Laughter ]
Once he got inside the courtroom,
Trump was formally charged with 34 counts
of falsifying business records in the first degree,
which are class E felonies.
Yep, Trump was like, "Of course, they were very classy felonies."
[ Laughter ]
"Some would say the classiest of felonies."
[ Laughter ]
If this goes to trial,
prosecutors plan to call Stormy Daniels as a witness.
-Stormy Daniels! -Stormy Daniels -- Yeah.
Stormy Daniels heard and was like,
"Haven't I witnessed enough?"
[ Laughter ]
Here's a picture of Trump inside the courtroom.
Ooh. [ Laughter ]
He looks like he's watching another table at Applebee's
get their food first.
[ Laughter ]
Could we see him again? That face?
Yeah. He looks... [ Laughter ]
Looks like he had to sit through two unskippable ads on YouTube.
[ Laughter ]
Let me just see it one more time.
[ Laughter ]
He looks like Ben Affleck at the Grammys.
You know what I'm saying?
[ Rimshot ]
Meanwhile, earlier today,
Marjorie Taylor Greene and George Santos
both showed up outside the courthouse,
and it was absolute chaos.
It was basically the craziest Thanksgiving Day Parade.
[ Laughter ]
Even Times Square Elmo was like,
"If they try to engage, just walk right past them.
Don't even -- Don't engage with the --"
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. But as soon as George Santos
showed up outside the courthouse,
he was swarmed by reporters. Take a look at this photo.
Yeah. Trump saw the media following Santos, was like,
"Hey, get your own arraignment!"
[ Laughter ]
Marjorie Taylor Greene was then interviewed
about Trump's indictment,
and she made an interesting comparison.
Listen to this. -I mean, think about --
Gosh, think about this.
President Trump is joining some of the most incredible people
in history, being arrested today.
Nelson Mandela was arrested, served time in prison.
Jesus. Jesus was arrested.
[ Laughter ]
-Jesus -- Jesus saw that and said, "Jesus..."
[ Laughter ]
[ Rimshot ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, it was a long day of media coverage,
with reporters starting early in the morning
and talking nonstop about the case.
I admire their dedication,
but I think some of them need to take a break.
Check out this clip I saw earlier today on CNN.
-[ Hoarsely ] After the search warrant at Mar-a-Lago,
he raised a million dollars.
After being indicted, he raised $7 million.
-[ Hoarsely ] We do know that there's a videographer
along with him right now.
-[ Hoarsely ] It's not that out of the ordinary
to ask for a change in venue.
Staten Island, I think, went majority for Trump,
so no wonder he's trying to get over there again.
-[ Laughs hoarsely ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Get a little water, something.
[ Applause ]
Need a little water.
Oh, and I saw that Senator Lindsey Graham
said Trump's indictment almost ensures
that he will be the 2024 Republican nominee.
But now several other members of Congress
are speaking out about the situation.
For example, Senator Mark Kelly said...
[ Laughter ]
Then Congressman Jack Bergman said...
[ Laughter ]
And Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene said...
[ Laughter ]
Then Congressman Raul Ruiz said...
Then Senator Tom Cotton said...
[ Laughter ]
Congressman Brad Sherman said...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Congressman George Santos said...
[ Laughter ]
Then Congresswoman Chellie Pingree said...
[ Laughter ]
Then Congressman Richard Neal said...
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Senator Mark Kelly said...
[ Laughter ] There you go.
Wow. [ Cheers and applause ]