>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, I KNOW YOU TURN TO THIS SHOW FOR ONE THING AND ONE THING
ONLY AND THAT IS SPORTS NEWS!
WE GOT ALL THE HOTTEST SHAPES OF BALLS.
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT THE FASTEST, TALLEST, OR THICKEST PEOPLE, ALL
OF THEEM RUNNING THEIR DUNKS STRAIGHT TO TROPHY TOWN!
SO LET'S GET TO THE HIGHLIGHT REEL.
THE STAPLES CENTER, HOME OF THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS, THE
CLIPPERS, AND THE KINGS, IS CHANGING ITS NAME TO CRYPTO.COM
ARENA.
CRYPTO!
THE MOST CONFUSING THING A VENUE HAS BEEN NAMED SINCE HOUSTON'S
"THE PLOT OF INCEPTION" STADIUM.
( LAUGHTER )
UP WITH THE STAPLES CENTER.
FOR MY YOUNGER VIEWERS, THAT NAME REFERS TO THE STAPLES
OFFICE SUPPLY COMPANY.
AN OFFICE IS SOMETHING YOU USED TO GO TO FOR MEETINGS, WHICH ARE
LIKE VERY BORING IN-PERSON EMAILS.
OH, EMAILS ARE LONG TEXTS WITH MORE WORDS.
AND WORDS ARE FACELESS EMOJIIS THAT REMIND YOU YOU'RE
A RELIC OF THE PAST AND THE FUTURE NO LONGER BELONGS TO YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GO, CRYPTOS!
NOW, THE STAPLES CENTER HAD SO MANY GREAT SPORT MEMORIES: KOBE
BRYANT'S 81-POINT GAME, THE L.A. KINGS' STANLEY CUP VICTORY,
LOGAN PAUL GETTING PUNCHED IN THE HEAD.
( APPLAUSE )
CRYPTO.COM ARENA SHELLED OUT SOME LONG DUCKETTS FOR THIS ONE.
THEY PAID MORE THAN $700 MILLION FOR THE NAMING RIGHTS, WHICH I
BELIEVE CONVERTS TO FIVE BITCOIN.
NOPE, SORRY, 50,000-- NO, IT'S CHANGED AGAIN-- HALF A
BITCOIN AND THREE BAGS OF FLOUR.
IT'S A FAIRLY VOLATILE CURRENCY.
NOW, HERE'S THE THING THERE'S MORE VACCINE NEWS, AND
IT'S ABOUT MORE VACCINE.
THE F.D.A. PLANS TO AUTHORIZE PFIZER BOOSTERS FOR ALL ADULTS
THIS WEEK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
<!0> THAT'S GREAT.
QUIET YOUR THIRD.
THIRD TIME'S A CHARM, RIGHT.
THAT'S GREAT, BECAUSE MANY AMERICANS ARE EAGER FOR
ADDITIONAL PROTECTION AHEAD OF HOLIDAY GATHERINGS.
YOU NEED EXTRA PROTECTION FOR THE HOLIDAYS, ESPECIALLY FOR
YOUR FEELINGS.
THERE IS NO VACCINE FOR THAT MOMENT THE FRIDAY AFTER
THANKSGIVING, WHEN THE PARTY BUS SHOWS UP TO TAKE YOUR YOUNGER
BROTHER OUT WITH HIS HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS, AND YOU SPEND THE NIGHT
WATCHING "MANIFEST" WITH GRANDMA.
( LAUGHTER )
PROVIDERS HAVE BEEN TOLD TO GIVE BOOSTER SHOTS TO ALL ADULTS WHO
WANT THEM.
ANY CHANCE WE CAN EXPAND THAT TO ADULTS WHO DON'T WANT THEM
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JUST DEPUTIZE THE TIMES SQUARE ELMOS TO JAB ANYONE WHO COMES
WITHIN TICKLING DISTANCE.
( AS ELMO )
GUNH!" TAKE YOUR VACCINE!
SINCE THE PASSING OF HIS LANDMARK INFRASTRUCTURE PLAN,
BIDEN'S BEEN TAKING A VICTORY LAP.
LITERALLY.
HERE HE IS IN MICHIGAN, TESTING OUT A NEW ELECTRIC HUMMER.
( TIRES SCREECHING ) >> ANYBODY WANT TO JUMP IN THE
BACK?
ON THE ROOF?
>> YOU LOOK GOOD, MR. PRESIDENT.
>> THIS SUCKER'S SOMETHING ELSE!
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "YOU WANNA HOP IN THE BACK?
ON THE ROOF?
YOU CALL SHOTGUN?
IT'S LIKE MY MOM ALWAYS SAID TO ME: SHE SAID, 'JOEY, MY RULE IS
ASS, GAS, OR GRASS... NO-ONE RIDES FOR FREE.'
SHE WAS A LONG-HAUL TRUCKER, USED TO DOWN POPPERS LIKE THEY
WERE TIC TACS.
GET IN, LOSER.
WE'RE SAVING THE PLANET!" NOW, HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE
CELL-- OOPS.
IT'S VERY HARD TO DO THE REST OF THE MONOLOGUE WITH THESE ON.
NOW, HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE CELEBRATING THE BENEFITS OF THE
NEW PLAN.
TAKE ALABAMA REPRESENTATIVE AND SALESMAN AT THE MEDICAL SUPPLY
STORE WHO'S HERE IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, GARY PALMER.
PALMER RECENTLY TWEETED TO APPLAUD FUNDING FOR A NEW
HIGHWAY IN HIS DISTRICT: "COMPLETION OF BIRMINGHAM'S
NORTHERN BELTLINE HAS BEEN A PRIORITY OF MINE SINCE I WAS
ELECTED TO CONGRESS, AND NEW FUNDING FOR THE PROJECT HAS NOW
PASSED."
ONE SMALL PROBLEM: PALMER VOTED AGAINST THE
PACKAGE.
( LAUGHTER )
THING YOU OPPOSED.
THERE'S A REASON JAMIE SPEARS WAS NOT WELCOME AT THE "FREE
BRITNEY" RALLY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S NOT JUST...
( APPLAUSE )
NOT INVITED.
>> Jon: HE WASN'T THERE.
>> Stephen: WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE.
WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE!
IT'S NOT JUST THAT PALMER VOTED AGAINST THE BILL.
HE'S ALSO A MEMBER OF THE CONSERVATIVE HOUSE FREEDOM
CAUCUS, MEMBERS OF WHICH ARE SEEKING TO PUNISH THEIR 13
REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES WHO JOINED DEMOCRATS IN VOTING FOR THE
INFRASTRUCTURE BILL.
SO YOU FINALLY GOT THE THING YOU WNTED, AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO
PUNISH THE PEOPLE WHO GAVE IT TO YOU?
THAT'S LIKE A KID ON CHRISTMAS SAYING, "YAY, A BIKE!
I'M SO HAPPY!
OKAY, SANTA, NOW IT'S PAYBACK TIME!
GUH!
SPEAKING OF LYING BLOWHARDS, FORMER PRESIDENT BUTTERNUT
BERLUSCONI.
THANKS TO JONATHAN KARL'S NEW BOOK, WE'RE LEARNING NEW DETAILS
ABOUT THE RUN-UP TO JANUARY 6, ESPECIALLY THE BEHAVIOR OF
FORMER FIRST SON-IN-LAW AND NON-PLAYER CHARACTER IN A VIDEO
GAME ABOUT WALL STREET, JARED KUSHNER.
WHEN MIKE PENCE'S AIDE MARC SHORT CALLED KUSHNER DIRECTLY TO
ASK HIM TO MAYBE HELP KEEP THE VICE PRESIDENT FROM GETTING
HANGED, "KUSHNER TOLD SHORT HE HAD NEITHER THE TIME NOR THE
INTEREST, BECAUSE HE WAS WORKING ON MIDDLE EAST PEACE."
OH, SO THAT'S WHY THE MIDDLE EAST IS FINE NOW.
ACCORDING TO KARL, MARC SHORT WAS PERSISTENT, BEGGING,
"PLEASE, JARED, CAN YOU TALK TO YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW?
THIS IS GETTING DANGEROUS.
SOMEBODY'S GOT TO TELL HIM THAT MIKE PENCE CAN'T SINGLEHANDEDLY
OVERTURN THE ELECTION."
BUT "KUSHNER SIMPLY TOOK A STEP BACK AND DID NOTHING."
IT'S JUST LIKE JOHN STEWART MILL FAMOUSLY SAID, "ALL IT TAKES FOR
EVIL TO TRIUMPH IS FOR GOOD MEN TO DEPEND ON JARED KUSHNER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE SAID.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
HE WAS GOOD.
THAT GUY WAS GOOD.
LATELY, THE NEWS HAS BEEN KIND OF REPETITIVE AND SOMEWHAT
DEPRESSING, SO I'VE GOT TO SAY-- AND I HOPE THIS IS NEVER TAKEN
OUT OF CONTEXT-- THANK YOU, QANON.
( LAUGHTER )
UNHINGED WHACK-JOB HIJINX IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "THE Q
FILES: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.
WAY OUT THERE."
( LAUGHTER )
KNOW A FEW WEEKS AGO, I TOLD YOU THE TALE OF A GROUP OF QANON
FOLLOWERS WHO HAD GATHERED IN DALLAS, TEXAS, IN ANTICIPATION
OF A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FROM JOHN F. KENNEDY JR.
UNFORTUNATELY, JOHN F. KENNEDY, HE WAS, SHALL WE SAY, NOT ABLE
TO ATTEND.
BUT THE Q-FAITHFUL BELIEVE JOHN-JOHN FAKED HIS OWN DEATH,
AS DID HIS FATHER, AND THAT'S NOT THE CRAZY PART.
THE CRAZY PART IS TWO WEEKS LATER, HUNDREDS OF QANON
BELIEVERS ARE STILL IN DALLAS WAITING FOR J.F.K. TO SHOW UP.
OH, YEAH, BECAUSE IF J.F.K. EVER CAME BACK, HE'D WANT TO GO
STRAIGHT TO DALLAS.
JUST LIKE--
THAT'S WHAT-- YOU KNOW...
JUST LIKE WHEN LINCOLN COMES BACK ALIVE, HE'S GOING STRAIGHT
TO BROADWAY!
( LAUGHTER )
CONFUSION AS TO WHICH J.F.K.
THEY'RE ACTUALLY EXPECTING.
LET ME CLEAR THAT UP FOR YOU RIGHT NOW:
I DON'T KNOW.
DEPENDING UPON WHO YOU ASK, EVERYONE FROM PRINCESS DIANA TO
J.F.K. JR. WERE RUMORED TO BE APPEARING.
YOU CAN READ ALL ABOUT IT IN SAMUEL BECKETT'S CLASSIC PLAY:
"WAITING FOR WHO YA GOT?" SO WHY ARE THEY STILL WAITING?
UNTREATED MENTAL ILLNESS.
BUT ALSO, THEY'RE FOLLOWING MICHAEL BRIAN PROTZMAN, A FORMER
DEMOLITION EXPERT.
I DON'T KNOW WHY "FORMER."
DID HE ACCIDENTALLY LEFT SOMETHING UN-BLOWED-UP?
PROTZMAN MAKES WILD PREDICTIONS USING A BASTARDIZED VERSION OF
THE HEBREW NUMEROLOGY SYSTEM KNOWN AS GEMATRIA.
AND I WOULD DESCRIBE PROTZMAN USING A BASTARDIZED VERSION OF
YIDDISH: SCHMUCK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ORIGINALLY--
SCHMUCK!
YOU PUTZ.
ORIGINALLY, PROTZMAN CRUNCHED THE NUMBERS AND PREDICTED J.F.K.
WAS GOING TO BE RESURRECTED ON NOVEMBER 2nd.
WHEN NEITHER OF THE JOHNS F.
KENNEDY SHOWED UP THAT DAY, PROTZMAN CHANGED HIS PREDICTION,
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE JULIAN CALENDAR, MONDAY WAS NOV. 1, AND
SO J.F.K. WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO REAPPEAR AT MIDNIGHT.
DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU AND YOUR FRIEND ARE SUPPOSED TO
MEET, BUT HE'S ON THE GREGORIAN CALENDAR AND YOU'RE ON THE
JULIAN CALENDAR?
THAT'S WHY I REMEMBER THIS SIMPLE RHYME: "30 DAYS HAS
SEPTEMBER.
YOU'RE AN INSANE QANON MEMBER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE REST HAVE 31.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THE REST HAVE 31, EXCEPT FEBRUARY.
THE REASON THE Q-FOLKS MIGHT BE OUT OF WHACK IS THEY'RE MISSING
THE ADVICE OF ONE OF THEIR SPIRITUAL LEADERS: Q-SHAMAN AND
WINNER OF AMERICA'S NEXT TOP FRED FLINTSTONE, JACOB CHANSLEY.
NOT ONLY DID CHANSLEY COMMIT THE CRIME OF LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT.
HE IS ONE.
( LAUGHTER )
IN THE CAPITOL, HE SCRAWLED A NOTE AT THE VICE PRESIDENT'S
DAIS THAT READ: "IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME.
JUSTICE IS COMING!" WHICH, TURNS OUT, WAS A "NOTE TO
SELF," BECAUSE EARLIER TODAY, Q-SHAMAN JACOB CHANSLEY WAS
SENTENCED TO 41 MONTHS IN PRISON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEARS.
SO, WITH GOOD BEHAVIOR, HE COULD BE OUT IN TIME TO STORM THE
CAPITOL IN 2024.
NOW, THE Q-SHAMAN'S LAWYER HAS BLAMED THE FORMER PRESIDENT FOR
HIS CLIENT'S CRIMES.
AND AFTER SENTENCING, HE TOLD THE PRESS JUST WHAT HE WOULD SAY
TO THE EX-POTUS: >> I'D TELL HIM, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU GOT A FEW (BLEEP) THINGS TO DO, INCLUDING CLEARING THIS
(BLEEP) MESS UP AND TAKING CARE OF A LOT OF THE JACKASSES
THAT YOU (BLEEP) UP BECAUSE OF JANUARY 6th.
BUT MY OPINION DOESN'T MEAN (BLEEP).
>> Stephen: WOW, I-- I LIKE THAT GUY.
THEY SHOULD PUT HIM ON TV, MAYBE AS A TOUGH-TALKIN' PUBLIC
DEFENDER ON "LAW & ORDER S.V.F.U."
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT!
MY GUESTS ARE ADAM DRIVER AND AMERICA FERRERA.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE SUPERSTARS OF W.W.E. ANSWER JUST
ONE QUESTION.