In this video, I'm going to focus in on the highest leverage point piece that can virtually
change your entire life.
It can change your relationships.
It can change the way that you date.
It can change the way that you experience happiness, the way that you bounce back from
situations that are unfortunate, your career, everything.
And I know that seems like a big promise and I'm gonna point in the direction of something
that I invite you to give more attention to that really can impact all these areas I just
talked about.
Now before I dive into this, I'm gonna talk about the mechanism at play here.
The mechanism that determines your quality of life.
It determines the results you get in your life.
It determines the type of people you bring into your life, and the type of experiences
that you have with them.
And this component is in the physical world something called the Reticular Activating
System (RAS).
And it is a component that lives within your brain and what it does is it's a filtering
system.
It's a filtering system that allows you to make sense of reality.
And when you're able to make sense of reality, you know where you stand in the world.
You can interact with the world in a way that is consistent with your identity that eliminates
uncertainty.
It eliminates unfamiliarity and allows you to go about your day and survive, that's what
the Reticular Activating System does.
So, if you think about it there's so much happening at once in this world right.
I mean if you were to try to take in everything at once and had no filter, you probably would
not be functional and not even probably, you wouldn't be functional.
You wouldn't be able to function in this world if you were taking in everything all at once.
So, this RAS, the Reticular Activating System allows you to function in life based on past
experiences.
It is essentially your belief system.
It's what creates beliefs for you that you can then filter and move through life with
and create once again certainty in your life where you have some type of predictable outcomes.
Now the RAS does not care about whether you're happy.
The RAS does not care about whether you are living a thriving life and getting what you
want.
The only thing it cares about is your survival and not just your physical survival, but the
survival of your self-concept, the survival of your self-image.
It doesn't care whether your self-image is negative.
It doesn't care whether your self-image is positive.
It only cares that you have a cohesive self-image that you can then confirm, find things in
life and confirm that self-image over and over again.
Alright.
Now just to give you an example of how the RAS shows up in your life in a really benign
way: imagine that you are about to buy a car okay and let's say that you want to get a
red Toyota rav4.
Alright.
Now once you've made a decision that you want to buy that car or perhaps you do go and buy
it, what ends up inevitably happening?
You probably start seeing that car everywhere on the road, in places where you didn't see
it before.
Suddenly it's down every street.
It's parked in every corner you see it in parking lots – that's your RAS at play because
your brain has begun to hone in on something and focus on it.
It's become part of your awareness and now you see it everywhere.
Alright.
Another way that the RAS begins to show up in your life and this is the one where it
can be a little bit more, let's say, it can drive your life down one road that has a lack
of quality to it versus one that actually has openness and love and vulnerability and
relationships that work is if you are holding on to a belief that men are shit or women
are just after money or people are not to be trusted or the world is a dangerous place.
Okay.
Now the thing is when you've got these beliefs, it's not necessarily that they are wrong or
that they're invalid.
In fact, they're just as valid as perhaps the opposite belief.
But what happens is when you have one of these beliefs, your brain looks out into the world
and what it does is it looks for confirmation that those beliefs are true because those
beliefs are tied intrinsically with your identity around who you think you are.
So, if you believe that for instance “men are only after one thing right sex,” “men
are only after sex,” what does that mean about you well you might have a belief about
you that the only thing that you have a value to a man is sex.
The only thing you have a value to a man is your body and then what happens if that is
part of your identity what is more important than you say breaking that belief to your
system to your unconscious mind is that you find ways to confirm that that is true about
you.
Because that certainty feels better than maybe suddenly believing that “maybe men actually
want me for my personality,” “maybe men want me because men actually do want to deeply
connect,” that actually feels more unfamiliar to you if you already – if you have a belief
that is embedded in you that men are only wanting sex it feels better to confirm that
to your system than it does to suddenly deal with this uncertainty.
So, this is the dilemma that we find ourselves in is when we have these beliefs, we look
out from this world view through this tinted lens that allows us to find confirmation of
those beliefs.
So, we in turn feel safe about who we are even though the results we get from those
beliefs might not actually serving our lives.
So, here's another brasstacks way that these things show up so if you think that men just
want sex then what you might find yourself doing in relationship is one, actually finding
and being attracted to men that are at a stage of development where they only want sex okay
because there are men out there that do just want sex, but we have these blanket statements
what we look for what we see just like the red car is we find guys and get in a relationship
with guys that are like that because it helps us confirm something about ourselves which
gives us a sense of certainty, allows us to feel right about who we are, and then we go
ahead and we have a miserable experience with them one that perhaps our conscious mind doesn't
want to have but at least it feels familiar.
At least it feels because we know what the heck is going on so we might find ourselves
even if we begin to get into a relationship or start dating a guy for instance that does
not want just sex we might find ourselves somehow just not working properly with them
where we're trying to maneuver our way into the relationship and using sex as a way to
get into the relationship – which turns that guy off or perhaps communicates to him
that that's actually what you feel like you have a value and then the relationship gets
off kilter and the two of you end up not working out.
And what that confirms up well it's about sex the guy just wanted sex again and this
is why he's gone.
So, another one and the reason I'm making this video too is because when I make these
videos about men and about relationships there is a subset of women that comment and maybe
will not like the video or comment and they'll throw a blanket statement about men on there,
about men just want one thing men want women that are this age men are not to be trusted,
why are men babies, why are men XYZ, and it's really unfortunate because I know when I read
these comments I know for a fact that if someone has that belief they're having a really hard
time with relationships.
They're having a really hard time finding quality men that even men that'll stick around
long enough to change that belief for them because the guy doesn't want to do that it's
not his responsibility to change your world around it whether or not you believe that
all men are crap.
It's up to you to take responsibility for that and begin to examine your premises what
are the premises that you are operating from that are creating the results that you are
having in your life over and over again.
Now another belief that somebody might have that causes relationships to crumble underneath
them consistently is “I don't deserve love,” or “I don't actually think I'm good enough
for the person that I'm going after,” and that one might hurt to really think about
it might hurt to say out loud or even identify with that that's there I can be a really core
one of just “I don't actually feel like I deserve the love that I'm looking for.”
And you see often what ends up happening then is when if that the premise that you're operating
from when a man comes into your life and perhaps begins to show you that he is valuing you
and that you are deserving of what's happening, you see it as suspicious behavior.
You see it as something where it just doesn't feel congruent.
It feels off it feels like there's something wrong because what's happening is it's bumping
up against your belief system and you are having a hard time organizing whether or not
this is fact or fiction and what typically happens then is because it starts to feel
uncomfortable and it starts to stretch us and ways which in which we might not be ready
yet we contract our defenses go up, we maybe break the connection from the guy to protect
ourselves and what it looks like is sabotage – when in reality what's actually happening
is we are not wanting to give up a core belief we have about ourselves in service of creating
the type of love that our conscious mind wants.
So, one way and I'm gonna begin to wrap up this video here with a question or two that
you can begin to think about and ponder on your own that can begin to take your gaze
and move it towards the context that you are creating in which your experience is arising
is this – look at the experience you're currently having with men or with women.
Look at the results that you are getting in your life right whether it's perhaps a string
of breakups over and over again, whether it's women that are only after you for your money,
whether it's women that are dumping you consistently, whether it's men that are seem that like they're
only after sex, whether it's men that seem like they're not to be trusted they're not
trustworthy guys, ask yourself what might someone believe in order to consistently create
this experience over and over again?
What might someone believe in order to create this experience over and over again?
Now that question what it does is it puts the responsibility back on your lap and it
actually maneuvers you out of being a victim where life is happening just to you and you're
out effect of it.
And actually says “wait a second what if I am creating these experiences Oh and over
again?
What is it that I might maybe believing that is having me create this experience of not
finding any good guys over and over and over again?”
It might be a core belief about yourself.
It might be another core belief about life itself.
And when you begin to see these things as beliefs rather than reality there's a little
bit of choice and flexibility that begins to surface and arise within that.
Now that's a couple questions just to get you started and beginning to get you to see
that this is the highest leverage place that you can begin to look to quite literally change
your life is the beliefs in which your identity changes.
So, what I'm saying here is your life's results are a reflection of the narrative that you
have about yourself right.
So, who are you being that the way that the world is occurring to you is this result?
So, that begins to get the mirror you'd start to look at the mirror then you start to see
yourself a little bit more clearly as to that you are actually creating the results that
you're getting in your life and then you get to very perhaps scary part because now you
realize that maybe you are responsible for the results that you're getting and now it
is your responsibility to do something about this.
So, if you're looking for help, if you're looking for a way to begin to completely revamp
your self-concept the way that you see who you are, the way that you see yourself in
life and the results that you think you are deserving of, I want you to feel free to fill
out a coaching application below this video.
Because what I do with folks, as an NLP practitioner, is work on this identity belief, level, change,
work where we go in and we begin to craft and hone and really see what is the set of
premises that you have been operating under.
And based on what you're wanting, how do we begin to look at the premises and the identity
that you will need and want to embody in order to have that be a natural automatic possibility.
So, if this interests you in the slightest feel free to fill out an application below
– a little bit about what's going on your life, what you're wanting, and we will be
in touch.
Thanks.