(ding dong)
AAHH! NO!
These god damed kids!
They left me a flaming bag
of shit!!
The Crow: City of Angels
It was on PC, Playstation, and Sega Saturn
And all the same, the PC version was a piece of crap,
the PS version was a piece of shit,
and the Saturn version was a satanic turd more lethal than ten tons of donkey dookie dropping from a 60-story building!!
The Crow was a dark action film based on a comic series.
The film takes place the night before Halloween, Mischief Night or Devil's Night
which is associated with the more destructive version of Mischief Night which is not so much about petty pranks
but more about vandalism and arson.
It's also somewhat related to an older tradition
Guy "Fucks" Night
But that's another story.
Anyway, The Crow of course starred Brandon Lee, Bruce Lee's son.
You can't talk about The Crow without mentioning the fact that he was accidentally killed on-set by a defective gun blank.
Ya, I have nothing but tragedy to tell today.
The plot was about a rockstar named Eric Draven. He and his girlfriend are violently killed by a horrible gang.
But he's resurrected and seeks his revenge after a crow leads his soul back to the world of the living.
Yeah, it sounds weird when you say it fast, but it was a pretty good movie.
While not perfect, it was stylized with a gloomy and surreal comic book tone, similar to Tim Burton's Batman.
That would be a good time to make a video game, right?
No, there were no games based on The Crow. Nada! Diddly fuckin' squat!
Then came the shitty sequel, The Crow: "Shitty" of Angels!
HO HO! Now it's time to make a game!
Ugh!
Alright, let's pop this fuckin' turd in here!
Loading...
Yeah
My ass is loading!
Okaaaaay...
Great opening screen!
Take a guess which tiny pixely blob is me?
The one in the center that your eyes are immediately drawn to?
I'm pushing Left and Right and the dude is walking side to side.
That would have to be me, right?
No no no...
I'm the guy in the bottom-right turning in a circle!
Just wonderful!
Rather than just simply pressing which direction you wanna go
check this out, this is how it works:
Left and Right turns yourself around in a 360 motion, while Up makes you go forward.
No matter which direction you or the camera are facing, Up is always forward.
This isn't the only game like this. Even the first Resident Evil had the same shitty controls.
But for The Crow, I would say this is before they figured out how to program video game controls for three dimensions in a good way,
but Super Mario 64 was already out.
(birds chirping)
Alright, first enemy in the game and I can't even fi- oh, look! Look! He's punching through me.
His fist is coming right out my back!
If this is what it's going to be like for every enemy we encounter, then we're in for a real nightmare.
As the game explicitly warns you, this is your last chance.
The game, is so bad, that it's become self-aware!
Look at this ugly, murky mess!
I'm sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that
but don't you think it's a little too dark?
It's almost just a black screen, with yellow and red pools of light!
Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place.
After smearing the camera lens with their shit after taking a bunch of Pepto-Bismol.
Oh, he's badass! Look here he comes! He's badass!
Like a slasher villain.
That's actually pretty terrifying.
Look at his fuckin' face! Looks like a melted candle of one of the members of KISS!
And there probably do exist KISS candles.
But wouldn't that be great if we could hear "God of Thunder" or something awesome?
But instead, listen to this rockin' tune!
(weak bass music)
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun!
Yeah! You'll enjoy hearing that for hours!
Nah... you won't.
That's the perfect soundtrack to go along with walking around in circles in the most depressing bar in existence!
This is a place where people go to cut their wrists and drink gasoline!
It's hard to even walk a straight line.
On top of the clumsy controls that make you feel like you're driving a tank,
the camera angles keep changing at the most inconvenient times.
It's so disorienting!
Sometimes I deliberately walk around the same area just to see if I can figure out where the line is between one camera angle and the next.
It's like stepping into a separate reality.
Sometimes, the camera angle doesn't change at all.
You just step outside the boundaries of existence!
Where am I?
It's as if there's actually a person behind a mixer who has to switch the camera angles.
But that person was too busy smokin' pot.
Ugh, dude...
Sorry man.
How about this?
I'm behind the fucking bar!
I guess they completely forgot to even put a camera back there!
And there's times when your feet actually gets stuck. As if there's an invisible treadmill.
"Hey clownface!"
Let's talk about the fighting.
It's the worst part of the game, which is unfortunately the part you do the most of.
You have a few different variations of kicks and punches you can pull off. You can even throw people, but whether or not you hit your mark is all up to chance.
You mash buttons and hope for the best.
Half the time, your fists and feet go right through your opponents.
That is, if you can even face the right direction!
This is like Karate Champ, but taken to three dimensions.
The whole thing is a fucking clown show!
Ugh, my god!
And the fighting in the cutscene is there just to tease you.
Wow! Look! They're actually punching and kicking, even blocking!
And they're facing right at each other!
This is just a reminder of how much better the game could've been.
(clicking button)
(Laughs frustratingly)
Oh my god!
What is he doing?
He's pulling her tits!
"Ah!"
The awful camera angles add so much to the misery.
Don't you love it when you're fighting somebody and you end up in a corner somewhere?
Could you imagine if this was somebody's first video game?
Or if it was even the first video game ever made?
I think even then, it would've induced vomiting and irritable bowel syndrome.
I wonder if Guy "Fucks" woulda liked this game?
After all, it's based on a shitty sequel, so I don't know what I expected.
Guess I expected something a little less, vaginal.
Yeah, I'm running out of adjectives.
The controls, needless to say, are delayed.
When you have to turn around, get in position, and then pull off an attack, the response time for all that is way too much!
By the time that actually happens you don't even remember what you tried to do.
It's as if every time you try to press the button, that request gets processed in a queue of commands that's always behind.
Weapons, if you're even able to pick them up, you can never hit anybody with them.
Within those 360 degrees, you have to turn till you're facing in the precise direction, which you'll never have time to do.
(gunfire)
FUUUUCK!!
As soon as the enemies have guns, the game is all over with.
They always have ammunition and you never do.
In the time it takes to pick up the guns, pick up the ammo, and then try to shoot at them,
they already got you! And if you do manage to pull off a few shots, that's all you get
is a few shots, and then the ammo runs out!
But not them! They come at you with fuckin' machine guns and drain your life bar instantly!
Geeeez!
Strange that in the movie, the guns can't kill him.
But I suppose playing as an invincible, immortal character, wouldn't have made for a challenging game.
But this is WAY too challenging! And the challenge isn't about legit gameplay,
the challenge is all about trying to outsmart the broken-ass controls.
The only way I'm able to glimpse ahead in the game, is by using passwords.
Even then, as soon as the level starts, the enemies immediately gang up on you.
I tried every stage in the game and none of them I can last more than a minute.
I even turned the difficulty down and still, it's fucking insane!
This is the definition of frustrating.
Like "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" frustrating!
And it all leads up to a battle that looks like something out of Hellraiser.
Fuck!
Shit!
MMMMM!
UUUGH GOD FUCKIN' DAMMIT!!
This game is worse than a Mischief Night prank! Mischief Night is throwing toilet paper all over someone's yard.
This game is the equivalent of throwing toilet paper after you wiped your ass!
It's as refreshing as a horse's anus!
Fuck The Crow up its bird ass!
AND FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING CLOWN-FACED JOKER, KISS MAKEUP WEARIN' KING DIAMOND BEETLEJUICE ALICE COOPER MARILYN MANSON MOTHERFUCKER!!
Yo nerd...
I got a better game for us.
Board James,
go away. You don't get a Halloween special.
Fuck you you fuckin' asshole!!
Wha- I- I- I never get a Halloween special! Why does it always gotta be about you?!
-When's it gonna be my turn?! -Okay. Okay.
As soon as Halloween is over, we'll play some plastic and cardboard.
Better late than never.
(suspenseful music)