£I am sick, by the £way, of pretending
£that the stuff that £I like is cool stuff.
£I don't like anything cool.
£I'm really excited for the day
£I can finally stop £pretending to hate Coldplay.
I love Coldplay. I love Co-- and occasionally,
£someone trying to be £sympathetic will be like,
£"Oh yeah, the early £stuff is good,"
£and I'm like, "NO! All of it!"
£(laughter)
£And, like, I was sitting in £a car, and Coldplay came on,
£and the driver of the car £went, "Ugh, Coldplay,"
£and I had to be like, £"Yeah, I hate music
that makes it feel like you can do anything."
£(laughter)
£And, you know, I £like uncool stuff,
£I went to see Josh Groban £a couple of weeks ago,
£and screw you for the £judgment on your face.
£I went-- I went to £see Josh Groban,
£not a girlfriend took me, £not an aunt who likes it,
£I went to see Josh £Groban. And I enjoyed it.
£He sang for two £hours, at twilight,
£outside Portland, £in an outdoor venue,
£it was magical, he sings in £four different languages,
£he did "Pure Imagination" £from Willy Wonka, I cried.
And, I got into the car, I got into an Uber,
£feeling fulfilled, and the £Uber driver ruined my bliss
£with three words. He said, £"Who's playing tonight?"
£I said, "Josh Groban,"
£and he just went, £"Ah, guilty pleasure."
£(laughter)
£And I said, "What?" £And I swear to God,
£he went, "Okay." (laughter)
And I said, "Why should I feel guilty, huh?"
And he went, "Okay," and I said,
£"WHY SHOULD I FEEL £GUILTY?! For seeing
£a once-in-a-generation talent £sing timeless classics?!"
And he didn't respond, and then,
£I said something that £I'm genuinely sure is
£the most embarrassing £thing I've ever said.
£I crossed my arms, £and after this,
£we were quiet for £the rest of the ride.
£I crossed my arms, £and I just went,
£"Ya can't help what £gives ya goosebumps."
£(laughter)
£The worst tattoo I've £ever seen is this:
£I worked with a girl £at KFC, long story,
£and everyone called £her 'Jennifer 9/11.'
Hold on, hold on, it's way worse than ya think.
£She had a tattoo £on her lower back,
£of the Twin Towers and £the words "Never forget."
£First of all, boner killer.
£Second of all, that means that £at some point in her life,
£she walked into a tattoo £pa-- presumably after 9/11,
£otherwise, it's £crazy. (laughter)
She walked into a tattoo parlor and was like,
£"I want a permanent reminder
£of the saddest day £in American history!"
£And they were £like, "Gettysburg?"
£And she's like, "Statist-- £no. More recent."
£And they're like, "9/11, all £right where do you want it?"
£And she's like, "It £should be a reminder!"
£And they're like, "Yeah,"
£she's like, "Should £remind me everyday!"
And they're like, "Yeah, where do you want it?"
£She's like, "Well, what's £the one part of my body,
£I could never see ever unless £I had a neck like an owl?"
But here's why it's really horrifying/great.
£Because time isn't always £kind to people's bodies,
£and eventually, her £skin is going to sag,
£and those Twin Towers are £going to collapse again.
£So, it's less of a reminder £and more of a reenactment.
£(laughter)