- WELCOME-O. HAVE A SEAT-O.
[laughter]
SPANISH IS SO EASY.
I'M SPEAKING SPANISH 'CAUSE CINCO DE MAYO IS MONDAY,
AND I LOVE CINCO DE MAYO,
BECAUSE IT COMBINES TWO OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:
THE NUMBER FIVE AND MAYONNAISE.
[laughter]
HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THAT?
OBVIOUSLY, WHEN YOU THINK OF CINCO DE MAYO,
YOU THINK OF TEQUILA, AND WHEN YOU THINK OF TEQUILA,
AT LEAST ME, ANYWAY, WHEN I THINK OF TEQUILA,
I THINK OF MY WRITER LAUREN.
LAUREN CLAIMS TO BE AN EXPERT ON TEQUILA.
I'VE HEARD IT FROM SEVERAL RELIABLE SOURCES
THAT SHE OFTEN SENDS BACK THE TEQUILA AT RESTAURANTS
'CAUSE SHE THINKS THEY GAVE HER THE WRONG KIND.
AND THEN SHE EATS A LITTLE FOOD
AND FALLS ASLEEP BEFORE 9:00, SO...
SOUNDS LIKE GOING TO DINNER WITH MY MOTHER.
LAUREN DOES NOT KNOW THIS, BUT CINCO DE MAYO,
WE'RE GONNA PLAY A LITTLE-- IN HONOR OF THAT,
WE'RE GONNA PLAY A GAME.
LAUREN? IS--LAUREN, COME HERE.
COME HERE, LAUREN. HI.
[cheers and applause]
IT'S LIKE YOU WERE READY TO BE ON TV OR SOMETHING.
YOU DRESSED UP SO FANCY FOR WORK TODAY.
- [laughs]
I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
- YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO DO
SOMETHING DIFFERENT, YEAH.
SHE DID NOT SEE THE SCRIPT THAT WE SAW THIS MORNING.
YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE A PRIZE LADY.
YOU THOUGHT WE WERE PLAYING A GAME.
- YES, LIKE WE OFTEN DO.
- YEAH, WE'RE NOT. - NO.
- OKAY. [laughter]
WE'RE DOING DIFFERENT THINGS TODAY,
SO, UM--BECAUSE, LAUREN,
YOU SAY YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT TEQUILA, RIGHT?
- NO. - YEAH.
- NO. - ALL RIGHT.
SO... - [laughs]
I DID DO THAT ONE TIME, BUT THAT WAS IT.
- ALL RIGHT, NO.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON BACK BEHIND HERE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, ANDY.
COME BACK HERE, AND WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IS,
ONE AT A TIME, THERE ARE DIFFERENT SHOTS
OF DIFFERENT TYPES OF THINGS BACK HERE.
ALL RIGHT?
THIS FIRST ONE, I KNOW--
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT THIS IS WATER.
OR IT COULD BE A REALLY CHEAP GROCERY STORE TEQUILA
OR YOUR FAVORITE, DON JULIO.
- THAT IS MY FAVORITE. - ALL RIGHT.
SO YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL.
THAT'S WHY YOU SEND THINGS BACK, BECAUSE--
- [laughs] ONLY ONE TIME, THAT HAPPENED.
- NO, NO, IT HAPPENED MANY TIMES.
IT HAPPENED MANY, MANY TIMES.
SO YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS WATER.
YOU JUST TAKE THAT SHOT, AND YOU LET ME KNOW WHAT IT IS.
- MM-MM! [laughter]
- I THOUGHT FOR SURE-- THAT'S NOT WATER?
- THAT'S NOT WATER. - OKAY.
WHAT IS THAT? TASTE--
- I DON'T THINK IT'S DON JULIO.
- IT'S EITHER GONNA BE PATRON OR DON JULIO
OR A CHEAP TEQUILA CALLED UNCLE BUFORD'S...
[laughter]
WHICH IS TEQUILO; THEY CAN'T CALL IT TEQUILA.
WHICH ONE IS IT? - UNCLE BUFORD.
- NO. YOU'RE WRONG.
- WHAT IS IT?
LET ME--LET ME KEEP TASTING.
[laughter]
PATRON?
- YES. - [laughs]
- I LOVE THAT YOU'RE THE EXPERT.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, LET US KNOW.
I WISH WE HAD SOMETHING TO CLEANSE YOUR PALATE,
BUT WE DON'T.
- MM. - WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
- THAT'S DON JULIO. - OH.
YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT IS DON JULIO.
ALL RIGHT.
[cheers and applause]
ALL RIGHT. - I LIKE THIS GAME.
- YOU LIKE THIS GAME? - IT'S LIKE A GAME.
- IT'S SO FUN.
- OH, GOD.
I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE WATER THAT TIME.
THAT'S WHY I DID THAT.
NOPE. - NOPE.
WE COULD TRICK YOU.
THERE COULD BE SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
IT COULD BE LIGHTER FLUID.
- [laughs]
- NO, WE WOULDN'T DO THAT. - PATRON?
- WOW, YOU KNOW, PATRON IS GONNA BE VERY MAD AT YOU.
- IS THIS THE UNCLE ONE?
- OH, I THOUGHT-- NO, I DID THINK THAT.
I DID THINK THAT. - NO, YOU DIDN'T.
AND YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT WAS--
- THAT WAS A JOKE, AND THEN THAT WAS A JOKE.
- ALL RIGHT. YOU JUST WANT FREE TEQUILA, DON'T YOU?
- YUP. - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
'CAUSE PATRON IS AN EXCELLENT TEQUILA.
- NO, I LOVE PATRON AS WELL.
- OKAY. - YEAH, I JUST THOUGHT THAT--
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
- HMM.
WATER.
- YEAH, THAT'S WATER. YOU DON'T LIKE THAT.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
I THOUGHT THAT'S NOT FAIR TO HAVE YOU DRINK SO MUCH,
ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU HAD A SHOT IN THE HALLWAY
BEFORE YOU CAME OUT HERE.
SHE WAS SO NERVOUS THAT SOMETHING WAS GONNA HAPPEN,
SHE WAS--I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
"SHE'S ALREADY DRINKING,
AND WE'RE NOT EVEN PLAYING THE GAME."
UM, SO I WANT YOU TO HAVE SOME SPICY NACHOS
SO THAT YOU CAN--
[laughter and applause]
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S--
THERE'S NOTHING ON THAT. THAT'S JUST A CHIP.
- THAT IS CORRECT. - YUP.
NO, THERE WOULD BE NOTHING BUT--
I JUST WANTED YOU TO HAVE FOOD ON YOUR STOMACH.
YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE CHIPS?
- OH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
DO YOU WANT-- - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
- DO YOU WANT THAT? - UH-UH.
NO, THANK YOU.
- JUST A BITE? - NO, THANK YOU.
NO, THANKS.
NO, UH-UH. NO.
I'LL TASTE IT.
[laughter]
- YOU WANT TO TASTE IT?
IS IT SPICY?
- YEAH. - OKAY.
THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE A SHOT OF THAT AND SEE WHAT--
WHAT'S THAT? WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
- MM-MM!
[laughter]
SPRITE?
- IT'S SPRITE. THAT'S RIGHT.
- LET'S GET BACK THAT WAY.
- OKAY, AND LET'S TAKE A LOOK WHAT'S IN HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
IT'S A MIRROR SO YOU CAN LOOK AT YOURSELF AND...
SEE THE CHOICES YOU'VE MADE.
[laughter]
SEE YOURSELF.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
- SADNESS. [laughs]
- WHAT DO YOU SEE? - SADNESS.
- OH, THAT'S SAD. [laughter]
ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
WELL, IF YOU PLAN ON EATING SPICY FOOD
AND DRINKING AS MUCH AS LAUREN DOES
ON CINCO DE MAYO,
THIS IS SOMETHING THAT WILL HELP RIGHT HERE.
THESE ARE CALLED URGENTRX FAST POWDERS, AND--
ARE YOU SEEING DOUBLE YET?
- A LITTLE BIT. - OKAY, GOOD.
YOU CAN READ THAT CARD AND TELL EVERYBODY--
- OH.
THESE ARE NEW URGENTRX FAST POWDERS.
[laughs]
THEY'RE FLAVORED POWDER MEDICATIONS
THAT PROVIDE FAST-ACTING RELIEF FOR HEARTBURN AND HEADACHES,
WHICH IS PERFECT FOR ME.
AND THEIR FAST POWDER DISSOLVING--
- WHAT? WHAT?
- THEY DISSOLVE. - WHAT? WHAT?
- THE FAST POWDERS DISSOLVE IN YOUR MOUTH
WITHOUT WATER.
- GREAT. THAT'S RIGHT, LAUREN, YEAH.
[applause]
THEY ALSO HAVE PACKETS FOR ACHES AND PAINS AND ALLERGIES,
AND, LAUREN, YOU CAN HAVE THESE PACKETS
FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD SPORT.
BUT BEFORE LAUREN DANCES THROUGH THE AUDIENCE
WITH ALL OF YOU, I WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO TRY URGENTRX,
SO YOU'RE ALL GONNA GO HOME WITH A $100 WALGREENS GIFT CARD.
[cheers and applause]
LET'S GO. LET'S DANCE.