>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, EVERY NIGHT -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EVERY NIGHT, WITHOUT FAIL, THIS IS OUR PROMISE -- LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, EVERY NIGHT I COME OUT HERE TO THE STAGE OF THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
OVER THERE, PROCESSING THE DAY'S STORIES IN MY NEWS LAB, TRYING
TO DEVELOP THEM INTO AN INEXPENSIVE MONOLOGUE-BASED
SUBSTITUTE FOR SYNTHETIC RUBBER.
BUT SOMETIMES, I MISTAKENLY MIX THE BORIC ACID WITH SILICONE
OIL, AND ACCIDENTALLY DISCOVER A RESULTANT PUTTY OF SILLINESS
THAT IS STRETCHY AND PLIABLE, YET BOUNCY WHEN ROLLED INTO A
BALL.
BEST OF ALL, IF YOU PRESS IT AGAINST A NEWSPAPER, IT PICKS UP
SMALLER STORIES WHICH I STORE IN THE LITTLE RED PLASTIC EGG OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT -- >> MEANWHILE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MEANWHILE,
MEANWHILE, IT'S THE ONLY THING STABLE LEFT IN THIS COUNTRY.
MEANWHILE -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- MATTEL HAS LAUNCHED A
GENDER-NEUTRAL BARBIE DOLL.
WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR REPRESENTATION, BUT NOT REALLY
NECESSARY.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BARBIE DOLL WITHOUT CLOTHES?
THEY'RE ALREADY AS GENDER-NEUTRAL AS IT GETS.
( LAUGHTER ) KEN IS CUT, THOUGH.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN EARLY CHRISTMAS
NEWS, "MEET THE WORLD'S FIRST KALE-FLAVORED CANDY CANES," BUT
THE MAKERS WARN, THEY "MIGHT NOT HAVE THE NUTRITIONAL VALUE OF
ACTUAL KALE."
SO IF YOU WANT NONE OF THE TASTE OF CANDY AND NONE OF THE
NUTRIENTS OF KALE, THIS IS THE CONFECTIONERY NIGHTMARE YOU'VE
BEEN WAITING FOR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, RENOWNED FRENCH CHEF MARC VEYRAT IS SUING THE
MICHELIN GUIDE AFTER THEY DEMOTED HIS RESTAURANT FROM
THREE STARS TO TWO, BECAUSE, HE SAYS, "MICHELIN'S REVIEWER
WRONGLY DETERMINED A CHEESE SOUFFLE AS HAVING CHEDDAR IN
IT," ADDING -- (AS INSULTED FRENCHMAN)
"THEY DARED TO SAY THAT WE PUT CHEDDAR IN OUR SOUFFLE OF
REBLOCHON, BEAUFORT, AND TOMME.
THEY HAVE INSULTED OUR REGION, MY EMPLOYEES WERE FURIOUS."
LISTEN, MONSIEUR, I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING FOR THIS TO BE MY
BIGGEST CONCERN RIGHT NOW.
WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR NEW SEGMENT: FRENCH PEOPLE PROBLEMS.
(AS FRENCHMAN) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
(AS FRENCHMAN) ZE LIFE OF A FRENCHMAN EEZ A
LIFE OF PAIN.
TODAY, MY BRIE EEZ TOO COLD TO SPREAD ON A CRACKEUR.
AND ZAT EEZ JUST ZE TIP OF MY ICEBERG OF ENNUI.
MY LOCAL MIME WEARS A SHIRT WITH STRIPES THAT ARE...
VERTICAL.
JOIN ME NEXT TIME, WHEN I TELL YOU HOW MY POOR WIFE CANNOT FIND
ENOUGH LOVERS.
ZIS HAS BEEN: "FRENCH PEOPLE PROBLEMS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY BRITTANY HOWARD!