Today, we're talking about communicating effectively
with your teenager. There are 5 rules I want you to be aware of.
Please be patient as I share these with you. I've coached many families through this as a
Professional Psychologist and you don't get to even say anything until rule number 5.
Rule number 1: Don't be a bear. I know you're not a bear but do you show up as
a bear sometimes. Picture this, we're out in the countryside we're having a nice little
walk, we're enjoying the weather and the scenery and a big old bear comes out from behind a tree.
Wants to rip your face off, what happens? Your heart starts beating fast, you feel a little sweaty in
the palms. There's all kinds of chemistry that's flowing through your system which prepares your
body to do one of two things fight-or-flight. We call it the fight-or-flight response. This is a
natural defensive response that your body has to threat. Don't be a bear, if you show up all mean
and angry and yelling and screaming what effect is that going to have on your teenager. This isn't too
hard to figure out and if you see defensiveness, if you see them recoiling, and backing up from you, or
getting angry and coming at you with their fists. It's because they see you as a bear. Don't be a
bear, that's rule number 1. Rule number 2: Don't see a bear. This one might be a little harder to track.
But when I said don't be a bear obviously that's about your own behavior, right? Don't see a
bear is how you perceive your child. Your child is not a bear, your child is your offspring
whom you love so dearly. Remember this okay, it's not the enemy that we're dealing with here it's
your child. This changes how you show up and your communication will be profoundly affected by that.
Do whatever you need to calm yourself so that you're not in your own fight or flight response,
because you think you're dealing with a bear. Get back to this beloved child that you love
so dearly that's who you're interacting with. Keep that at the front of your mind and it'll
change all of your communications. What do you do to keep yourself calm, to get back out of
the fight or flight response. Share your ideas, go to the comments down below and share some
of the ideas you have about how to stay calm, It's extremely important. Rule number 3: Minimize the
noise. Noise shows up in a lot of ways when we're trying to communicate, it might be physical noise
in the room. If you've got the television blurring, guess what? not a good time to try to communicate.
Minimize the noise turn that television off, but there's other noise that pops up in our own head.
How many times are you talking to somebody and you've got a whole other conversation going on in
your head? Or you can see from the look in their eyes that maybe the lights are on but nobody's home
The noise in our own mind gets in the way more than anything. Minimize that noise, clear your
mind for a moment. This takes some self-discipline to tell yourself to put something on hold,
that you think it's important to think about right now, while you engage and connect in a very present
way with your teenager. Rule number 4: Listen to understand, let's talk about that briefly listen.
The letters in the word listen have the same letters as the word silent. That's a little
clue okay, zip it. Remember to quiet the noise that was our previous rule and understand is the goal.
So, we're not listening to gather information we're not listening to think up what we're going to say
in response, we are listening truly to understand. Most of the teenagers that I talk to
don't feel that their parents understand them. Now, would your teenager tell me the same thing?
What are you doing to really understand? Now, you don't have to agree, understanding and agreeing
are not the same thing, keep that in your mind and that will help. I remember interviewing a
kid in a correctional facility. He had killed two people that's why he was incarcerated
and as I was talking to him about this I heard myself say, "Oh, so you were just so frustrated
about that homework assignment that you felt the only way to get out of that would be to kill your
foster parents. Is that what you're telling me?" He's like "Yes, finally somebody understands." Do I
agree with him? No. I can think of a dozen better ways to handle a homework problem. But I did listen
to understand, I want to know where he's coming from. Don't get it confused with agreeing, listen
to understand. I promised you upfront that you'd have a chance to speak but not until rule number 5.
We're finally there, rule number 5: Express to be understood. Remember, back in rule 4 we're
listening to understand, that's a priority. You have to do that first, because if you try to express
first you get resistance. You want to be in a position were, they feel fully understood.
In fact, put your own idea the thing that you really want to communicate on a shelf.
Just stick it over here for safekeeping for a moment until it's safe to bring it out.
In rule number 5 we're going to take that off of the shelf now and express to be understood.
A couple of important things about the way that I phrased that. The goal is understanding, notice you
are not expressing to persuade or to rebut, or to debate. That's not our goal, is simply to be
understood. We want to make sure that whatever it is we are expressing is received and understood by
our teenager. That changes the way that we present it and you want to watch your tone of voice
your facial expressions. Remember, rule number 1: Don't be a bear, and the way you choose to express
is going to send a message about whether you are or you're not. Let's remove the threat there, watch
your tone of voice put it in a language that they understand, be very respectful and calm. If they're
not listening then, you don't want to even go to this step anyway. Because it won't be heard.
So, the other steps will prepare you for this one and then when we get to step 5.
We're going for the understanding we want to help them really truly understand what it is
that's on our heart and mind. Isn't it crazy that we don't get any formal training for the
most important job in the world parenting. Well, there's more resources available than you might think.
We've got courses, we've got discussion groups, we've even got my live office hours
at Live on Purpose Central. It's cheaper than therapy and more effective, come check it out!
Go.liveonpurposecentral.com, I'll see you there!