Well happy holidays everyone.
And also ugh, the holidays.
If you're heading home to family, there's a good chance politics is going to come up
at some point.
You might be dreading seeing relatives who voted for Trump, and feeling frustrated after
this election.
If only there was a way you could use the holidays to help your relatives see things from
your perspective.
Well there is!
Thanks to science.
Researchers have demonstrated some powerful ways to connect with people and understand
each other.
These techniques were proven effective with marriage equality, with the civil rights movement,
even in business negotiations.
One of the pioneers was Marshall Rosenberg who broke it down into four steps.
Marshall also tended to do a lot of demonstrations involving hand puppets, which is why we remember
him fondly in photos like these.
So: out of those four steps, step one is the hardest: listening.
You're going to have to listen to your family.
And then recap what you're hearing so they know you're listening.
When you hear your uncle say "Trump won't do anything to undermine gay marriage," don't
argue, just recap: "it sounds like you really trust Donald Trump."
Why are you listening so much?
Because the more they talk, the more open they'll be to what you have to say when you
get to step two:
Feelings.
That's all.
Just feelings.
Your feelings, their feelings, just talk about feelings.
"Feelings.
Nothing more than feelings."
Ask them, "are you feeling confident about Trump?" or "do you feel relieved the election's
over?"
And then tell them, "I'm feeling nervous about politics" and "I feel exhausted from all the
news."
You can talk about what's making you scared and angry.
And relatives might want to argue with you -- but resist the urge to argue back.
For now, you're just talking about your feelings.
Why do we care so much about feelings?
Because that's what gets us to step 3:
Talk about needs.
Not short term needs, like I need my family to denounce Trump; but big general life needs,
like I need to be safe.
Or I need to be connected to people.
Or I need to trust people.
The goal here is for everyone to see that what you need and what they need are pretty
similar.
It can be hard to get people to their fundamental needs.
But simple questions like "why" and "how" can do the trick.
Ask your family why they voted like they did, and how they think Trump will meet their needs.
It may take a couple whys and hows to get from "because he'll make America great again"
to "because I want security for my family."
But the goal here is to find your common ground.
Chances are you're in agreement about at least some fundamental needs.
So if they bring up security, then you can talk about how Trump's appointments make you
feel unsafe.
So once you've listened, talked about feelings, connected over needs, you're finally ready
for step four: The Ask.
Make it a question, because people are more likely to respond to requests than demands.
"Would you be willing to read an article about why I'm so worried?" or "Would you be willing
to meet my partner?" or "Would you put this bumper sticker on your car to support me?"
Make it specific.
And remember to go through those first three steps before you get to the ask -- they'll
be way more likely to say yes if you've been talking.
These requests might seem pretty small.
But they're the start of a process, a dialogue that will continue over time.
We know this works because we saw it with marriage equality.
The research there showed that listening to people and then finding common ground helped
them realize that same-sex couples want the same things out of marriage that they did.
And that changed the way they voted.
And maybe your relatives already support LGBT issues.
A lot of Trump voters do.
This is a perfect opportunity to let them know how their vote hurt you.
Now I'm getting these four steps from Marshall Rosenberg, but he didn't invent them.
These have been tried and true for decades, whether they come from a civil rights mediator.
Or Andrew Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People," which is all about getting
people to say "yes yes" throughout a conversation.
Or from David Fleischer, who led research on marriage equality.
These steps don't always work.
But they're your best bet for making positive change at the next election.
And there is one technique that definitely doesn't work: calling family names, accusing
them, and making demands.
By all means, save that for when you're dealing with the government.
But when it's family, telling them they're wrong probably won't get them to change their
mind.
Science shows that the best time to prime people for an election is when the election
isn't happening.
If you want to flip Congress in 2018, you can't wait til 2018.
And if you want to elect someone who respects your rights in 2020, you can't wait.
This holiday is your first, best chance to do something positive for your rights, so
let's get to work.
Also, it helps to bring pie, so give that a shot too.
Thanks for watching.
Subscribe for more videos and let me know your thoughts.
I'm @mattbaume on Twitter.
You can also subscribe to my podcast, Defining Marriage, for a weekly chat for what's happening
with LGBT rights, particularly marriage.
Now if you'll excuse me, it's turkey lurkey time.
Tom Turkey went away but he just came home.
What?