(ethereal Christmas music)
- Hello. - Hello.
- And welcome to an entire video of Shakespearian insults.
Don't worry, we're not mad at each other.
- Shakespearian slang? - Sure.
But they're all negative (laughs).
- Walter's very interested in the Shakespearean slang.
- Walter has a thing about paper.
- I thought you were going to say about Shakespeare.
- Sure.
I mean, I think that would stand.
Do you have a thing about Shakespeare?
Do you, do you?
I would believe it.
I would.
I would believe it.
Maybe in a past life he studied Shakespeare.
So how are we going to go this?
How are we going to go with this?
How are we going to do this? How are we going to (mumbling)?
- We're gonna guess-- - Can you tell it's late?
It's late at night.
- Are we going to guess what the, what the insults are?
- So we are going to pick from this bowl.
I did look for a festive bowl.
I was unable to find one, unfortunately,
and then Claudia was like no one cares!
So we have a white bowl. (Claudia laughing)
That's the stage we're at of Christmas, you know?
When it's like sure, and so, sure.
So one of us is going to pick out a thing.
We're going to read out the Shakespearian word,
and the other has to guess what it means.
- Or translate it into modern, I don't know,
we're gonna translate it into a modern day insult?
- Yes. - Okay.
- Basically the same thing. - Okay yes.
- Guess what it means.
All right, want to go first?
- Yeah.
- I mean Walter's being you, but he doesn't have hands.
- Gudeon. - Gudeon.
That sounds like some kind of glutton, is that right?
Or gudgeon, oh that could be to punch, like to smash?
Am I right in either of these directions?
- No. - Warm at all?
- I mean it's an insult. - It's an insult, sure.
A gudgeon is someone who, thickheaded, dumb?
- If I put it into context, like--
- Yeah.
(clock ticking)
That barman's, is a particular gudgeon.
- Someone's who's really miserable?
- No, no, it's not that. Okay, you're not gonna guess it.
Slimy or sneaky. - Oh!
That does not sound right, does it?
- You almost guessed it-- - That's very like, gudgeon.
Deep, like (growls).
- Slimy, sneaky, where you have like
S words like-- - Slimy, sneaky.
- Gudgeon's quite like boom, in your face.
- Exactly, that's what I was going for.
All right, dankish. - Smelly.
- No?
- Like dank, oh that's a bit dank.
- Oh, he's a bit dankish.
- Boring? - Sort of, yeah.
Along those lines. - Plain.
- Yeah, yeah, like he's just a bit, you know--
- Dull.
- Oh, he's a bit of a dankish type.
(groaning)
Yeah, I'll go with that, (groaning).
It means (groaning).
Feeble, week-willed,
the modern alternative would be wet wipe.
- Oh, I did say dank, yeah dank is like wet,
so that's why I thought of smelly,
like that damp-y sort of smell.
- I love how we're really just like critiquing Shakespeare.
Like no, no, no Shakespeare, your words are wrong.
- Frothy. - Frothy (laughs)?
- Frothy!
- Is that somebody who's got too much energy?
Yes?
- That woman is clearly frothy!
(both laughing) - Hysterical?
- Yeah, almost, yeah.
Pretty much, actually.
- Hysterical, nervous, neurotic.
- Mad, unstable, delusional.
- Sure.
- I know it's bad that I said that woman because you know--
- No, that is bad!
- No, but it's because--
- I thought you said it like it was
a particularly female word. - No, but it's just like,
I think like that's how I imagined
Shakespearian people would describe
a mad unstable, delusional-- - I mean, yeah.
That's a very fair critique of Shakespeare's work.
All right.
Elf-skinned. - Pale?
(laughs) Not seen the sun?
Unhealthy.
- A bit like, yeah.
- Underfed. - Yeah.
- Or like a, like a street like--
- An urchin. - An urchin, yeah.
- It's one of my favorite words, urchin.
Just such a good word to say.
- Like Golem. - Say it.
Urchin. - Golem-esque.
- Sounds nice, but that's 'cause I'm--
- Shakespeare's pretty Tolkien, but Golem-esque.
- A person of shriveled or shrunken form.
- See, Golem!
- Elf-skinned.
- I mean hobbits are also,
but he's a particularly shrunken hobbit.
- I mean I don't-- - Yes, he was a hobbit!
- Oh my God.
- That basically just lived in a cave
with possessive like-- - I'm so sorry.
Don't come for me, I have read the books,
it was just a while ago, okay,
a lot of stuff has happened since then.
I've memory loss.
- Clapper-clawed. - Clapper-clawed?
Is that you? - No?
- Oh, okay, just checking.
(laughs)
Clapper-clawed, someone who goes really, really quickly?
Someone who--
- Rather everyone would wish they would.
- Oh somebody who's super slow!
- No, everyone wished they would just go away quickly.
- A horrible person? - Yeah.
- Just a horrible person? - Clapper-clawed.
Vilified, a person no one likes.
- Oh.
- Doesn't necessarily mean they're a horrible person--
- That's true, they might be lovely.
- They might, they're just like, you know--
- Just misunderstood. - The outsider.
- Yeah.
- Oh look at that clapper-claw.
- Oh, that poor clapper-clawed.
- Are these words even real?
- Yes (laughs). - No, but I mean--
- But I mean Shakespeare made up a lot of words, darling,
and some of them we still use today.
And we call those real words, so these are too.
Goodness, are you ready?
This is a sentence.
You whoreson, obscene, greasy tallow-catch!
(laughs)
It literally just means you son of a prostitute,
obscene, greasy lump of lard.
- Wow.
- I particularly-- (both talking simultaneously)
Obscene did not get translated, it was just obscene.
- What's the bit that isn't...
- Yeah.
- You whoreson, oh yeah, son of a prostitute.
Obscene, yes. - Obscene.
- Greasy, yes, tallow-catch.
Lump of lard. - Lump of lard.
A tallow-catch. - Okay.
- I went to an online baby shower today
and we were discussing names for the baby,
and her husband quite likes Horatio.
- Yeah, you said.
- Which is quite close to whoreson, I would say.
Whoreson's actually quite, if you think about it--
- I mean I think that's very nice
to say Horatio is a bit like whoreson,
which we just said is son of a prostitute.
- But yeah the, I, sounding, sounds.
- Okay, I don't think Horatio sounds like whoreson.
- I'm there.
- Oh but then it's got whore in it.
(laughs)
Gorbellied. - Gorbellied?
- Gorbellied.
- That would be like, well I imagine
you've just been run through with a spear.
- No, it's not an action it's a,
to describe someone, isn't it, it's an insult.
- Gorbellied.
Maybe someone who's a warmonger,
'cause he wants gore, he like gore?
- No.
Actually opposite, opposite to that.
Gorbellied, it makes it sound like
they're full of stuff, doesn't it?
- It does.
- But actually it means that they're lacking in character
or tasteless. - Oh!
- Yeah, maybe gore means empty, empty-bellied or something.
- Oh, like if something has been gored open.
- Gorbellied like, yeah.
- We are learning so much today.
Just excellent (laughs).
Bat-fowling. (clock ticking)
Oh, this is just so much bat-fowling!
- Like superfluous activity?
- (gasps) Very good, yes!
It means evasive, unclear, beating around the bush.
- Oh, very good. - Well done!
Very clever of you.
- I think it was more from your example that I got it.
- Thank you.
- 'Cause otherwise I was about to go
on a weird tangent about nighttime like--
(laughs) Secretions or something.
Apple-John.
- An apple-John? - Yes.
That farmer is particularly apple-John.
- Drunk! - No.
Just that, yeah. - Oh, come on.
- Yeah, but what happens to like chronically drunk people?
- They get sick?
They fall over a lot?
They get gout?
- It means they're withered and wrinkled.
- Oh (laughs).
- Maybe apple-John means-- - Delightful!
- It's a bit like someone who's been pickled.
- Oh I see! - Withered and wrinkled.
- Oh, he's particularly apple-Johned this time of year.
- At this time of year? (laughs)
- I don't know why I said that!
Like you get old at Christmas and then like
back to spring, back to spritely.
- Yeah it's like our faces like plump out.
- I sometimes think that about Santas.
You know, people who are professional Santas,
like what do they look like the rest of the year?
They must go on some holidays.
Be like surfing. - Yeah.
- And then just at Christmas they kind of
grow the beard out and--
- Well a lot of them have fake beards, don't they?
- That is very sad.
We've decided with our future children
that anyone who is not real Santa
we're just gonna call Christmas man,
so the magic of Father Christmas is never lost
because often you realize Father Christmas,
you have doubts about him, because you've sit
on the lap of some man and you're like wait,
aren't you like the janitor in my school?
But you're wearing some kind of fake beard?
- Yeah.
It kind of stemmed because we were driving passed
some like Christmas decorations
like outside people's houses,
and I was like look a Christmas man!
And Jessica was like, a what?
I was like, you know, the men at Christmas!
- I was like, you mean Father Christmas?
- She was like, Santa?
I'm like yeah! - Yeah!
So now, everyone who is not real Santa is Christmas man.
- Christmas man, yeah.
- That's how we work now in our family.
- Well, to be fair, you don't know necessarily
if it is Santa.
Just because you're wearing an outfit
that's red and white and you have a white beard and a hat
doesn't mean you're Santa. - Sure.
- That just means you're Christmas man.
- It does (laughs). - Or woman.
- I would like that, that would be fun.
There's a new Santa emoji.
- Jessica did this like, the other morning like,
went through all of the new emojis on the phone,
on the iPhone, and I was just like not even,
I haven't even drank a half my cup of tea
and I was like, Jessica this is really boring.
It's like when we were 12 and people played
all the ringtones on their mobile phones.
- She could not care less.
- I wouldn't even know if it was a new one,
'cause I don't even know what emojis already exist.
I just like look for emojis,
sometimes I'm like oh, when it just suggests
an emoji to me I'm like okay.
But I don't go actively looking for one,
I've got better things to do
in my life than search for emojis.
- I don't, apparently (laughs).
- At least they've done a search function now.
- Yes, oh my God!
- So now you can just search Christmas man
if that's what you want. - Good luck.
All right, skainsmate.
Oh, no wait, that was meant to be more like
his skainsmate.
- Wing man?
Why is that an insult?
- I'm not sure why this is an insult, actually.
- His skains-man.
His lover? - His skainsmate.
- Skainsmate?
- Yeah, lover was actually quite close, to be fair.
No the, okay, this is weird,
because you can use it in two ways.
It is either a sycophantic companion,
or a prostitute depending on the situation.
- Okay.
Flap-dragon. - A flap-dragon?
- Oh (gasps), she, they've got, they've got flap-dragon.
- They've got flap-dragon?
- After that Friday night, you know,
went after that woman. - Oh okay, is it syphilis?
- It doesn't say specifically.
I mean-- - Implied, yeah?
- It implies that something has got
very red and angry down there.
- It does.
- You maggot pie.
You're not really, you're very cute.
(laughs)
- Okay, maggot pie.
Someone who is disgusting and gross
and loathsome and we don't like them.
- Yes, pretty much.
A horrible, disgusting human being.
- Goodness! - A bad character.
- So from now on, whenever you don't like someone
you can just say you're a maggot pie.
Everyone we don't like, maggot pie!
(both laughing) In just that voice.
- I would be a bit upset if like my,
if someone called me a maggot pie, to be fair.
- (laughs) Yeah you would. - It's pretty horrible.
- If your nurse was like
you're being a real maggot pie today!
- Yeah it's like, all right-- - Oh, gosh, okay.
- Rather they called me a modern day insult.
- Oh!
- 'Cause it doesn't have much meaning
other than just it's an insult.
Other than actually a descriptive term.
- You're not a maggot pie.
- Yeah it's like I had a shower.
- You're not a maggot pie, you're my little apple pie.
- You're my cherry pie. - Oh!
Claudia bought me a Kanzan cherry blossom tree
for my Christmas present,
even though she doesn't like cherries.
- I don't think it actually has cherry fruit on it,
it's just a blossom tree.
- Well I just really like the blossoms (laughs).
It's my favorite blossom tree,
and we'll see if it makes cherries.
Probably not.
Why is it called a cherry blossom tree?
- I don't know, maybe because of the cluster of blossom
is in like cherry-like form?
- Like to be together? - I don't know.
- I mean I'm not looking for cherries, it's fine.
I don't particularly like cherries either,
I just really like the tree.
It's very exciting.
- We also got an apple tree. - We did, we did.
And a man came today to dig some holes--
- To plant the trees. - To plant the trees in.
And we weren't really expecting him
to put the trees in the holes--
- No, 'cause I was gonna do that bit,
I just wanted someone to come and do the actual digging.
Anyway.
- But he did, and unfortunately also
got a bit confused.
- He planted our, a potted rose bush
that had already been potted in a ceramic pot on our patio.
I don't know why he took it out of the ceramic pot
and planted it in the like, flowerbed.
- I mean I guess, to be fair,
we asked him to make three holes.
Cherry blossom tree you bought me,
for the apple tree that we bought together,
and for the apple tree that my parents
are buying us for Christmas.
- To be fair, I was at work
and I left Jessica in charge of this
and she's not very good at explaining things.
(gasps) You should have just said,
look, we need to dig three holes, one hole to be left empty
'cause the tree's not here yet.
- I can neither confirm nor deny what I said to this man.
- 'Cause I knew he was like, I've dug three holes,
there's two trees--
- Find something else to plant!
- They must want me to plant this rose bush.
- He must have like wandered around our garden
finding something else that he could plant.
- I think it's because the rose bush
was like on the patio where, next to where we had the trees
just like resting.
- There aren't a lot of things in our garden right now,
so I think it was literally-- - Maybe he was just like--
- The only other thing he could have planted.
- He could have, I wish he'd planted the camellia instead,
'cause that actually needs planting.
Well, anyway. - Sorry (laughs).
- Gleeking. - Gleeking.
To gleek.
- What are you two gleeking about over there?
- (gasps) To gossip! - Yeah, sort of.
Scheming, betraying, deceiving.
- Actually that really does feel like that, doesn't it?
- Gossiping-- - Gleeking.
- Gossiping about something-- - To gossip.
- Like (mumbling) benevolent.
- Malevolent. - Menevolent.
Benevolent? - Benevolent's the good one.
- Benevolent? - Yes.
- Is good? - Yes.
- Menevolent. (laughs)
I never knew there was two words.
Thought they were just one word.
Menevolent is bad and benevolent's good?
- No (laughs). - What?
- Benevolent is a word-- - Yeah.
- (laughs) That is a good word, right?
- Is it not Maleficent?
God, I'm having an English breakdown.
- Anyway. (laughs)
Next one! - It's late!
So, something we both are, beef-witted.
(clock ticking) I'm being unkind.
- Okay.
Not funny. - Stupid.
- Oh. - But we're not!
- Oh you mean in relation to our
lack of English language skills?
Benevolent and malevolent.
No wonder I got confused, my speech therapy issues.
(laughs)
I knew Maleficent.
- I love how we just call them speech therapy issues,
like that's so broad.
- Maleficent was just someone's name, darling.
(laughs) Look!
Mal-e-fi-cent. (laughs)
No, they spelled it differently!
What was the word?
Mal-if-a-- - Malevolent?
- Malevolent.
- We are learning so much today.
Welcome to our exhausted minds.
- Yes, malevolent, so her name, Maleficent,
is a play on malevolent.
- I believe so.
- Okay, anyway, well we're glad we tidied that up.
(laughs)
Don't get benevolent which means kind and lovely
and we're benevolent.
We're (mumbling) malevolent.
- We're a bit tired.
So our house was supposed to be finished,
by the way, by Christmas, but you know, it's not.
So we're a bit exhausted by the fact that just--
- We've only got one room upstairs--
- It's so dirty all the time.
Like you just brush off the plaster dust
and then it's there again in an hour.
- There's bigger things in life to worry about.
- There are far bigger things in life to worry about.
- It's quite a good distraction.
- This is true.
- If we didn't have the house work to worry about,
we'd be worried about much horrible-er things
that are going on in the world,
so it's a good distraction. - That's true.
It's actually really helped
with my anxiety about getting COVID.
- Yes, I know, I just watched the news
and I was like oh my God,
all they're talking about is COVID.
- I made a conscious decision to stop watching the news
and I've decided to not look at Twitter,
which is pretty good, so I just don't do Twitter anymore.
I just look at my mentions sometimes.
- I still look at headlines,
but I don't like watch the news,
which is just too much detail about everything.
Headlines kind of give you the round up, you know?
- Yeah. - Anyway.
(both laughing) - Anyway.
I hope that you're all safe, I hope you're all right.
- We'll let you know about the trees and the rose
and I'll, you know, maybe you could get like a little,
you can get something like a story of me
like digging up the rose-- - Follow us on Instagram.
@JessieandClaud.
- If you want to know more about--
- I'll make a reel of you digging up the rose
and putting a tree back in there.
- Good thing it's winter,
because roses don't like to be disturbed.
They can get shock.
Bye! - Good bye.
(gentle Christmas music)