I've got little tricks to see if I've been smoking too much.
Like, my favorite one is how long I'll hold my hands
under a faucet
before I realize it's not automatic.
You ever do this? I'm just like--
all right, here we go, washing up, there he is.
There he is, looking good, Case, huh?
Lookin' good.
Eyebrows in place.
Wonder what it would look like if I shaved my eyebrows off.
People are like, "He looks interesting, he probably reads.
Huh?"
Taking a while to heat up, I guess.
♪ Taking a while to heat up ♪
♪ We taking too long to heat up ♪
♪ We're taking, taking our time ♪
♪ And getting real sexy and taking our time ♪
♪ And getting hot-hot-hot ♪
♪ We're hot-blooded, check it and see ♪
♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪
♪ Come on-- ♪
Oh, it's a twisty, it's one of the twisties, I see.
It's-- oh, I see.
Pfft.
Come on, Sluggo, get it together, all right.
Now, let's get some soap.
I-- I realized recently I like smoking alone more
because I smoked with my friends,
everyone's like "Yeah..."
"All right," you know?
I'm more of, like, a "Hello?!"
Is there somebody there?
You have to tell me if you're there.
That's entrapment!
I get paranoid, I get paranoid is what I'm saying.
I get the kind of paranoid I can't hang out with people
wearing windbreakers because it sounds like
they're whispering secrets.
( laughter )
Have you ever heard it where they're just like...
( soft whooshing )
Say it to my face!
Um...
I've got one of those faces where people think they can just
tell me whatever they're thinking, you know?
Like, I had this girl come up to me at a bar recently,
she's like, "You got real little teeth, are you Irish?"
No, just-- just inbred.
That's tough-- that's the only reason
I'm doing comedy, I just wanna make enough money
I wanna get these little, tiny corn kernels pulled out.
I wanna get big, pearly sons of bitches put in.
Just the biggest teeth you've ever seen in your life.
So big I can't even close my mouth, that's what I want.
Just me walking around like...
You know? I'm gonna be so confident.
You'll never see a man so confident.
I'm gonna walk in people's houses at dinner time,
I'm gonna be like, "Daddy's home!"
I'll call myself Daddy, of course, you know?
I won't be able to talk because of the teeth, I'll be like,
( lisping ) "Daddy's home.
I see we got supper on the table.
I see we got a spot at the table for Mama.
We got a spot for Little Baby.
One quick question, where Daddy gonna sit?
I see we got the turkey. We got the stuffing.
We got all the fixings for a fine meal.
One quick question, still on everybody's mind.
Where Daddy gonna sit?
I see we got the silverware!
We got the oak table!
Everything for a fine meal
for a family of three!
One quick question, we're still wonderin'!"
- ( audience ) Where Daddy gonna sit? - Where Daddy gonna sit?
Thank you very much.
( cheers and applause )