Let's move now from a functioning democracy
-to the United States, where... -(laughter)
we've reached the end of week three
of President Trump's regime.
Yes. This week, El Trumpo has done so much.
You know, with the help of Goldman Sachs alumni,
he began the process of repealing Dodd-Frank,
the law that was put in place
to help prevent another global recession.
Yesterday, he was criticized by his own Supreme Court nominee,
Judge Gorsuch, who said Trump's comments
towards the judicial system were demoralizing and disheartening.
And I think Gorsuch better watch out.
Yeah, because if he calls Trump out one more time,
I wouldn't be shocked if Donald turns on him.
You know, Donald would be like, "This so-called judge,
who is very overrated, a total loser..."
They'd be like, "Mr. President, you appointed him."
-"Exactly. Exac... -(laughter)
"He was appointed by a president who lost the popular vote.
-Sad." -(laughter)
-(applause) -It might happen.
And...
and just hours ago,
the so-called Federal Court of Appeals
just upheld the suspension of Trump's immigration ban.
-(cheering, applause) -Yeah.
Which means...
which means... immigrants, come in! Come in quickly!
Come in quickly, everybody! Come in! Come in quickly!
(cheering)
(laughs)
You know, we joke, but people think that's real.
"They're all gonna come in now."
-(laughter) -They can't.
By the way, uh, just now, in reaction to that,
Trump tweeted, in all caps...
I love how he says "see you in court,"
like this wasn't decided in court.
Like the judges are like, "Who is this idiot?
Does he not know where we are?"
(like Trump): I'll see you in court!
"That's we are already." Well, then I'll...
I'll see you... Come out and then we go back in...
Aah!
All of this has happened in less than a month.
But there's one story, one story... that's been ongoing
from even before Donald Trump took office,
and that's how the Trump family wants to profit
off the Trump presidency.
It's the subject of our new and presumably ongoing series,
"The White House Hustle."
♪ ♪
(cheering, applause)
Now, it's not a surprise that Trump is looking to cash in.
I mean, we saw this coming when, during the inauguration,
he put his hand on the Bible and swore to, quote,
"Get rich or die trying."
What is surpri... though, what is surprising, though,
is that it has turned into such a family affair.
You know? First up is the First Lady, Melania Trump,
or, as Donald calls her, "Number three."
Things are actually going great for Melania Trump, you know?
She's got Trump Tower all to herself,
and
what her priorities will be as First Lady.
First lady Melania Trump has refiled her defamation lawsuit
against the company that publishes
the
The first lady is suing over an article
that suggested she once worked
as a "elite escort in the sex business."
RV REPORTER:
temporary positions as "one of the most photographed women
in the world," is a marketing opportunity worth millions,
and adds that the false article hurt Melania Trump's chances
to launch a product line including shoes, jewelry,
clothing, cosmetics, hair and skincare and perfume.
Now, if you're wondering what once in a lifetime opportunity
Melania was trying to profit from,
I'll give you one guess.
It rhymes with "schmers flavy."
No, not Slim Shady, "schmers flavy."
Come on.
I mean, everyone knows first ladies
are not supposed to profit off being the first lady.
That's not a thing you do.
I mean, obviously, except for Eleanor Roosevelt
and her line of 1940's lingerie, which was an exception.
Look at her. Do I have knees?
You'll have to find out.
But also, Melania wants to sue a newspaper
because her reputation is damaged?
(Bleep) the newspaper, sue your pussy-grabbing husband, yo.
Are you being serious right now?
(cheering and applause)
Now, now even though their lawsuit claimed
that Melania was going to try to use the office to make money,
she released a statement saying she has,
"no intention of profiting off her position as first lady."
Which actually is a shame,
because now she'll never get to introduce her signature line
of Melania Trump's Husband Repellant.
Love is blind, and now so is husband.
(laughter)
But, but Melania's hustles...
Melania's muscles, to be honest,
ain't (bleep) compared to President Donald's.
Because he knows the real money is in real estate.
Just look at what he's doing to the Department of Defense.
He's turning them into his tenants.
The U.S. military is now looking to rent space in Trump Tower.
The move is intended to allow military personnel
to work alongside the president
when he's back home in New York City.
Estimates are that it could run
over a million dollars a year for the rent.
Yes, the president
is now the landlord in chief.
Like, man, you know what I hate about my landlord?
He doesn't fix my pipes,
and he made me invade Iran.
Like, is it just me, or is Trump moving
his whole administration to Trump Tower?
It feels like that, right?
Think about it. Melania's there, first lady.
You got the Department of Defense is gonna be moving in,
and the secret service.
Yeah, Trump's gonna be spending so little time
at the White House, I wouldn't be surprised
if he listed it on Airbnb.
(laughter)
-Now... now... -(applause)
Not everything is going swimmingly in Trump land.
As you know by now,
Nordstrom stopped selling Ivanka's product line and, uh...
And after Trump attacked them online -- this is true --
Nordstrom's stock shot up four percent.
-It went up by four percent. -(cheers and applause)
It's the new Trump effect.
Yeah, everyone thought those stocks were gonna go down.
Right now, every company in the country's
gonna start claiming to stop selling Ivanka products,
even if they don't have them.
That's, like, the new thing.
You go against Trump, and then people--
Like, people will be in court, and they're just like,
the lawyer's like, I know my client killed four people
but he stopped selling Ivanka products,
so could he have a lighter sentence?
They'll be like, all right, it's approved, it's approved.
So that was all yesterday. That was all yesterday.
Then this morning,
Trump sends out the most overworked woman in America,
and truth scarecrow Kellyanne Conway,
to defend Ivanka's brand on TV.
You asked about Ivanka, I visited with her yesterday.
You know, this is a very successful businesswoman.
Go buy Ivanka's stuff, is what I would tell you.
-I'm gonna get, I'm gonna get-- -Well, and there's, there's...
I hate shopping, and I'm gonna go get some myself today.
This is just-- it's a wonderful line.
I own some of it. I fully-- I'm gonna just give a,
I'm gonna give a free commercial here.
Go buy it today, everybody. You can find it online.
Wow. I'm gonna give a free commercial, go buy it?
I love how, in less than three weeks,
we've gone from the presidency and Trump businesses
are totally separate to:
Come on down to the White House and buy, buy, buy!
Buy Trump or get dumped.
All-out dignity must go.