- Yep, it's a no makeup kinda rant.
I don't give an eff.
I love myself, and it's about to get freaky.
(sparkly music) (hoofbeats)
(whoosh)
What up everyone?
It's your girl, IISuperwomanII,
and sexual educa...
Scarborough. (dog toy squeaking)
Scarborough, Mommy's trying to record a video, okay?
Can you not squeak your toy?
And sexual edu...
(dog toy squeaking)
Motherhood.
And sexual education class
is really important for students, okay?
Especially for brown students.
Because let's be real,
your parents ain't talking to you about that crap.
Take Indians, for example.
What do you mean sex, huh?
Who teach you this bloody language?
What do you mean?
I don't know sex.
I never heard before.
Sexm huh, go to your room.
Yeah, uh-huh, yeah, you just got a population of what,
one billion people through cloning?
Get the eff outta here.
Mommy, all that cheesy Bollywood dancing
leads to something.
Eh, you know what I mean?
I vividly remember sex ed class,
mostly because of the characters that were in the class.
So allow me to introduce you to Types of Kids in Sex Ed.
You could read the title, you know what this is about.
Don't be dumb.
Number one: the kid who knows too much.
Now as a teacher, you're trying to teach your class
about this inevitably awkward subject.
I mean it shouldn't be awkward,
but let's be real, it's awkward.
And to make matters even more awkward,
there's a 13-year-old kid in your class
that seems to be a professional on the topic
and you can't help but be just a little concerned.
- Hello ladies, and welcome to sexual education.
Sex happens when--
- He gives you the D?
- I beg your pardon?
- The D.
His peen?
His member, the wang, the willy?
- Let's just call it...
- His schlong, the pecker, his ding-dong?
- Enough.
Penis is fine.
- That's what I said.
- You know, with sex, there are various ways that you...
- Missionary?
Doggy-style?
Oral?
- When a man gets aroused...
♪ I feel a little poke comin' though from you ♪
And women can have multiple...
- Partners.
- I was gonna say orgasms.
- That too.
- It's very important to avoid getting pregnant.
- Use a condom y'all.
Yeah, the pull-out method doesn't work.
Okay, that pre-cum will get you.
- Yes, that is correct.
There is a fluid call...
- The pre-cum, y'all.
The pre-cum will do it.
- Yes.
Thank you.
- This is what happens
when you pay too much attention to rap lyrics, okay?
You're not supposed to do that.
You're just supposed to bop, okay?
You're not supposed to listen to the words.
Even I don't listen to the words.
That itch nasty.
You know what I was doing when I was 13?
Yeah, I was pretending to be a Spice Girl
and trying to keep my Tamagotchi alive.
But today, the sex corrupt.
Number two: the kid who asks specific questions.
Now, a teacher's goal is simple, right?
Walk into this class.
Let the kids know what a vagina is.
Let them know what a penis is.
Let them know how those two interact, okay?
You've gotta let them know how sex works.
You have to let them know
that the vagina goes inside the penis, right?
Right?
But then you've got that one student
who's getting way too specific, personal,
and detailed in their questions,
and you just know, they're trying to get some.
- Can you get pregnant from anal?
How much oral sex can you have without getting cavities?
Ooh, ooh, how many erections can boys get in a day?
Asking for a friend.
How many orgasms can girls have?
Is it possible to have an orgasm that lasts five minutes?
Wait, can you get STDs from hickeys?
What if there's a boy and he has sex with a girl,
but they're on a bus?
Is the driver gonna contribute to child support?
What if the penis is just really small and just slips out?
- Then why would you take it?
- As a teacher,
if you have to reference porn
to answer these 13-year-old students' questions,
something is wrong, fam.
Number three...
Why am I so close to the camera, yo?
Back up. (snapping fingers)
Back it up.
Number three: the kid who knows nothing about anatomy.
Now for some students,
sex ed class is like trying to do advanced calculus
without knowing your two times tables.
They've got no idea what's going on, okay?
They have no idea how the human body works,
let alone how to have sex with it.
I love how this was my se...
(slapping hands)
Apparently this is sex for me.
This is... (slapping hands)
This is...
This is why I'm single.
- When does milk come out of a man's nipple?
Is it before or after an erection?
How do men reattach their penises after sex?
What if his scrotum doesn't fit?
Which ball is responsible for producing semen?
Is it the first one or the third one?
Will my vagina grow back?
How long will my nipples glow?
When should I get tested for orgasms?
- Like straight up, what the eff is you talkin' about?
Assignment number one.
Look at yourself in the mirror
and all that you is workin' with.
But honestly, don't even trip.
Don't feel bad, okay?
Because I also know nothing.
Like, I know nothing.
I haven't even touched a boy's uterus.
Number four: the kid who has strict parents.
You can spot this kid from a mile away.
What did you say?
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
From a kilometer away.
That's a good Canadian.
This kid clearly has parents that never has
and never will have the talk with them.
They've reinforced the idea that sex is a sin
and it should make you uncomfortable.
And to be honest, this is me.
It's not because of my parents, though.
They're super chill.
It's just mostly because I've just done this to myself.
I do this to myself.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm chill.
Like, I've made...
I've made out with people, okay?
(scoffing)
You know, provided they accept the calendar invite.
I'm chill.
- May I please go to the washroom?
I was wondering, can I just silent read?
Can you get STDs from being abstinent?
But sex is better when you're married, right?
How many times should you pray during sex?
Can you still have sex with all your clothes on?
Is it true you can get pregnant from holding hands?
My parents never had sex, so who did they have me?
This class is a sin.
- Is sex better when you're married?
(scoffing) Okay, lesson number one.
Nothing is better when you're married.
Just kidding.
AKA all you married people don't unsubscribe to me.
It's just a comedy.
Alright, get outta here.
Go to the end card, you nasties.
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(sparkly music) (popping)
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You know what to do.
Click that thumbs-up button.
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One love IISuperwomanII.
That is a wrap, and zoop.